Roommates (Book 1) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warnings: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: They are so different.  Will they ever be good friends?

From the Back of the Book: Dana Morrison - spirited independent city girl.  Faith Thompson - determined, talented and practical.  Shelley Hyde - naive, small-town girl.  Dana, Faith and Shelley, all new to Canby Hall in their sophomore year, end up as roommates - and get off to their worst possible start.  They're so different they practically hate each other!  But slowly they grow to understand and care about one another and to help each other - through Dana's disastrous first love, Faith's trouble with the headmistress, and Shelley's desperate homesickness.

I love how the blurb says fairly good things about Dana and Faith at the top there but Shelley just gets "naive".  Really sets the tone, doesn't it?

So it's come to this. The beginning of the dark times. I can't even believe I agreed to do this and I think you guys are going to regret it. Shelley is literally the worst, y'all. We might not survive this.

This book was published back in 1983 and I definitely owned a copy. I got it at a Scholastic Book Fair and if I had only known the horrors I would endure with this series, I never would have picked it up. Of course, I must have loved them back then because I kept buying them. What was wrong with me??????? The ghostie for this book is Carol White. She's also the person who wrote that train wreck Something Old, Something New, so at least you all know where to set your expectations for this one.

The only thing that really stands out to me about this cover is how very awful their hair is. Also, Dana is supposed to be the resident fashionista and that outfit is just horrific. Is she wearing an ascot???? I don't feel like I can trust anything anymore.  Also, what is that weird shadow behind Shelley's right shoulder?  ((Note from future me: I bet it's Gale.  You'll find out who Gale is soon enough.))

We begin with Dana who technically hasn't ruined any of our lives yet (BUT SHE WILL). She's sitting in the back of the shuttle waiting to be whisked away from the train station to Canby Hall to begin her sophomore year of high school. She feels like a pioneer because.....well, I don't really know why. Everyone else in the van is a returning student and they're all chatting about things Dana knows nothing about. Including an entree from the cafeteria that they call Slime and Slide. #yummy Dana feels lonely and a little lost.

She tells us that she changed her mind about going to Canby that very morning. She's a city girl and she doesn't think she's cut out for the wilderness that is Massachusetts. Her mom convinced her it was just a case of last-minute nerves and here she is. We also learn that her parents are divorced and it was't amicable and she has one sister named Maggie (who we will later keep one eye on at All times).

Now we're with Faith who technically hasn't been sanctimonious yet (BUT SHE WILL BE). She's already in 407 and she finds it a dismal place. The walls are painted a hideous green color and her brown and orange print bedspread is totally going to clash with it. There are three beds, three dressers, three desks and an old armchair in the corner. These rooms sound huge. I had a dorm room that was barely big enough for two of each of those things and there definitely wasn't room left over for an armchair.

Faith is concerned because she's never shared a room with a “white girl” before. Now's the time that I need to remind you all that this series is ever-so-slightly-racially-uncomfortable. It was the early 80's after all and political correctness wasn't a thing yet. Race comes up in these early books more than it did in the later ones, so just be prepared for that.  I'm going to use the terms "black" and "white" because that's what the book uses.

Faith, unlike Dana, had been excited to come to Canby Hall. She may only be 15 but she has her entire life planned already and Canby is one of the stepping stones to getting into a good college and becoming a professional photographer. We also learn that she has older sister named Sarah and a younger brother named Richard. Their father was a police officer who was killed in the line of duty two years ago.

Just as Faith finishes unpacking, Dana arrives in the room. She greets Faith like any human would – pleasantly but a little nervously because a new roommate is a very big deal. Faith snidely comments that she probably wasn't what Dana was expecting, insinuating that Dana didn't think she'd be living with a black girl and it's totally unfair to the life ruiner who actually didn't do anything wrong. Dana rather graciously refuses to rise to the bait and remains pleasant. She invites Faith to go explore campus with her but Faith doesn't want to get too chummy with the preppy, designer-clothes-wearing white girl and says she's going to take a nap instead.

Well then.

Now we're with Shelley who technically hasn't done anything dramatic yet (BUT SHE WILL). She's on the bus from Boston with a girl named Maureen who is also a sophomore but not a transfer student. What do you want to bet poor Maureen is under the tulips by book 2? Maureen is busy telling Shelley how wonderful every single thing is at Canby but Shelley's mind is on what – that is, who – she left behind in Pine Bluff Iowa.

Shelley tells us that her parents are sending her to Canby to get her away from her boyfriend Paul. They're worried she'll be knocked up by graduation if she stays in town. Shelley can't believe a dreamboat like Paul even gives her the light of day. She's FIFTEEN whole pounds overweight and that makes her completely undatable.

Buckle up, y'all, because this is going to be a HUGE theme in the series. Shelley's extra 15 pounds are going to be their own character they're mentioned so often. I feel like we should give them a name. I'm going to consult my manager and get back to you.

(((((((Time passes in real life.......)))))))

My manager has named the 15 pounds Gale. So from here on, when I say 'Gale' y'all will know what I'm talking about.

We learn that Shelley lives on a farm and has two brothers named Jeff and Larry. That's pretty much it.  She's the only one of our girls who still lives with both parents.  When she finally arrives at Canby, she's stunned to find out that one of her roommates is black. See, this is the one that deserved Faith's little asshole comment and not Dana. She's never had any contact with an actual black person and she's nervous that they won't actually have anything to talk about. Because black girls and white girls don't actually talk about the same things I guess???

#ohthe80s

Shelley makes some lame comment about never really talking to a black person before but she's sure “they could be as nice as anyone else”. Faith, understandably, takes offense to this and stomps out of the room.

We're back in Dana's head and she has no idea that some serious ish just went down in 407. She wanders around for awhile and spots a farm near campus that she assumes belongs to some bigwig related to Canby somehow. (((Hi, Randy. I 💖 you!! Stay away from the life ruiner!!!))) Eventually she heads back to the room and she finds Shelley. She comments on Gale, of course, and tells us that Shelley looks like a 50's teen. Oooookay.

#whyisthisseriessoobsessedwiththe60's?

Before they can have actual conversation, Faith slams back into the room and Dana can tell there's major tension between her and Shelley. She tries to engage them all in small talk but Shelley's an idiot and Faith is sarcastically mocking her at every opportunity (which turns out to be a lot because Shelley's as dumb as a mud fence). Finally Dana suggests they all get dinner in the cafeteria and, for some reason, they agree.

Dana tries to get some conversation going over the awful stew but neither of her companions are interested. She has a feeling it's all just a misunderstanding but since neither of them will talk about it, she has no idea how to fix. As the meal goes on, she starts to get mad and by the time it's over, she's decided she doesn't like either one of them very much.

#jointheclub

We hop into Shelley's head the next morning. She's in the cafeteria and she tells us that at least the food is so bad she'll finally be able to get rid of that bitch Gale.

Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 4. Shelley's mentioned it twice and Dana and Faith have each mentioned it once.

Shelley ends up sharing a table with some older girls and they listen to her cry over her oatmeal. They suggest she get her roommates interested in a group project so they can come together as a team. Shelley decides they should decorate the room together and she gets busy making plans and drawing diagrams.

Shelley presents her plans to Dana and Faith when they wake up. It involves chintz dust ruffles and pillow shams and eyelet lace curtains. Urban Faith and Glamorous Dana don't take to the idea at all and Shelley gets very butthurt about it. She runs from the room in tears and decides she hates them both forever.

After Shelley leaves, Dana asks Faith what Shelley did to her the previous day. Faith rather imperiously declares that Shelley is the grand dragon of the KKK and Dana tells her she probably overreacted. As much as it galls me to agree with Dana twice in one recap, she's right here. Faith came to Canby expecting people to have a problem with her skin color. What Shelley said was stupid and careless but it wasn't coming from a racist place at all. Just an unfamiliar one. Faith needs to get over herself a little here.

As Faith heads to the orientation, she more or less comes to the same conclusion. She feels bad for being so rigid and regrets ruining her chances at being friends with her roommates. She feels like things are too far gone at this point to fix them so now we know Faith is fatalistic and a quitter.

During orientation, Faith ends up sitting next to an impish girl named Casey who keeps up a hilarious running commentary during PA's (head bitch in charge) history of Canby speech and her recitation of the rules and regulations. Faith takes an instant liking to Casey. I can't remember if I liked her or not. Guess I'll be reminded.

After the orientation, Casey tells Faith that she's here by the skin of her teeth. This is her fourth boarding school and she keeps getting kicked out because she can't stay out of trouble. She was almost evicted from Canby too but PA decided to give her one last break. Faith hangs out with Casey and Casey's friends for the rest of the day and has a great time.

When she gets back to the room later she finds that it's been rearranged. There's a bed and desk in each corner and living spaces are delineated with tape on the walls and floor. Neither of her roommates say a word to her and she resigns herself to the fact that this is how it's going to be.

A week passes and the stand-off continues. The room remains completely silent and they only communicate through passive-aggressive notes. On Friday the housemother-extraordinaire Alison comes to check in on things and she's alarmed by what she sees. She orders them to report to her penthouse room in half an hour and she's not taking no for an answer. She has a reputation to protect and she won't stand for trouble spots in her dorm.

They gather in Alison's hippy-dippy room and sit around with tea and cookies. Alison asks them what's going on and no one will answer. Finally she orders Dana to go first. Dana says she really has no idea what happened. It's Shelley and Faith's argument and she wishes they'd just settle it because she's miserable. So Alison turns to Shelley next.

Like a petulant five-year-old, Shelley says that Faith is mean to her. She says she accidentally offended Faith on the first day and that she didn't care that Faith was black she was just trying to say she'd never had the opportunity to be friends with a black person before. She thinks that Dana and Faith both think they're better than her and that they're secretly laughing at her all the time for being a hick. She doesn't want to be there – she never wanted to be there in the first place – and she just wants to go home.

Dana hands her a napkin to soak up her drama-llama tears and tells her that she's not laughing at her. She thinks it's “neat” that Shelley comes from such a different place than New York and meeting people from different places is one of the reasons Dana came to Canby in the first place. Shelley gives her a tentative smile.

Now it's Faith's turn. She tells Shelley that she knows she's overreacted and she knows that Shelley didn't mean to be so insulting but by the time she figured it out, they were too far into it and she couldn't figure her way out. I've actually gotten myself into a place like this a few times myself so I have some sympathy for the sanctimonious one here.

#whatishappeningtome

The girls all resolve to try to be friends and Alison declares herself the best housemother ever in existence.

The next chapter is just a letter from Shelley to Paul catching him up on EVERYTHING WE JUST READ. Seriously, ghostie, we didn't need a review here. By the way, Shelley calls Paul “Honeybear” and she signed her letter “Honeybunch”.

#gag

Oh! And she mentioned Gale AGAIN in the letter.

Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 5.

We take a hop to the end of the second week. The girls have all been busy with school and their activities (campus newspaper for photographer Faith, choir for musician Dana and.......I guess letter writing for homesick Shelley?). There's a “record-hop” that night at Oakley Prep. I guess that's some kind of dance??? The mention of Oakley Prep makes me super sad because Cary doesn't exist yet. I 💖 Cary.

#sigh

Faith isn't interested in the dance. She's too exhausted from her week to “boogie”. Shelley doesn't want to go either. She's planning to call Paul that night. Faith secretly thinks Shelley is a “drip” when it comes to Paul and that Paul sounds like the most boring person on earth. She's a bundle of non-judgmental acceptance, our Faith. Only Dana seems anxious to go.

Faith decides to head to town to get an ice cream cone and she invites Casey to go with her. Casey acts like your run-of-the-mill student but Faith has heard that her parents are mega-super wealthy (remember this because it will be important in book 2) art dealers. Casey never talks about them or about her life away from school which Faith finds intriguing.

It's also a fucking lie because Casey does nothing but talk about her parents and her sad life for most of the book.  Holy fuck, ghostie, keep it together.

Over sundaes at the Tutti Frutti, Faith moans a little about being black first and Faith second. Casey basically shuts her right the fuck down and tells her that she's not the only one with that problem. There are plenty of other minority students who have to deal with it too, plus it happens to other people too. People always see her as rich first and Casey second.

#TeamCasey

We're in Shelley's head now and she's worked herself into a right good drama-vortex. She starts by looking at pictures from home and playing sad songs. Then she wallows around in her failures at school and wonders why her teachers can't see that's she's a great tragic heroine. She's clearly “a girl desperate in the agony of being so cruelly separated from the ones she loved; driven away from her home; forced to live away at a boarding school like Jane Eyre.” That's a direct quote, y'all.

Shelley has arranged to call Paul at 11:00 when the rates are cheaper. I bet none of you reading this even remembers a time when the long distance rates changed based on what time it was. It's like reading about ancient times for you lot, isn't it? Unless Kit's drunk again and reading this. He'd remember. He's an old-timer like me.

ANYWAY.....she's arranged to call at 11:00 but she falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 11:30. When she gets down to the payphones, they are both occupied. There are two other dorms but she's in her pajamas and she has to run up to the fourth floor to get dressed and then she leaves her change purse on her bed and has to go up again. By the time she gets to Addison House it's almost midnight and she's sure Paul is sitting on top of the phone absolutely frantic waiting for her call.

BUT when she finally reaches a very sleepy Mama Paul, she finds out that Paul isn't even home. He went on a hayride and then camped out in the woods with some friends. Shelley is devastated. She starts sobbing and tells us that only death would have made her miss this phone call but clearly Paul has fallen completely out of love with her and moved on to greener pastures.

#calmthefuckdownShelley

I have a feeling I'll be busting out that particular hashtag A LOT.

We now slide into Dana's head and also go back a few hours into the past. We're time travelers now, y'all. Do you feel younger yet?

Dana ended up walking to the dance with Mary Lou and Sally June. Why do they both have two first names? Mary Lou and Sally June speak in baby-talk which I vehemently REFUSE to copy down into this recap because it makes me want to slap the fucking teeth right out of their faces to even read it and I'll be impaled on a pike in the middle of Main Street before I actually type it. The first part of the dance is pretty much a dud but then Dana meets Bret who is gorgeous, has a cleft in his chin and smells amazing. I feel Dana here. I'm a sucker for the right cologne too.  Don't even ask about that time I followed some poor guy around the gas station just so I could smell him again.

Dana and Bret spend the rest of the night talking and then he walks her home. On the steps of Baker House he asks her for a second date and gives her the perfect goodnight kiss. She falls madly in love.

We do another time hop but I have no idea how much time has passed this time. Dana goes up to talk to Alison and Alison mentions that the gossip mill says that Dana is dating Bret. She gives Dana a friendly warning. Bret gets around a lot. He's dated half the girls at Canby and he's always wildly romantic at first – flowers, love notes, lots of attention – and then he just ghosts and never talks to the girl again. She tells Dana that some of his exes actually formed a club called the Tear Drops for all the former love interests of Bret. Dana appreciates the warning but thinks she's the girl that's going to change things for Bret.

#theyallsaythat

Alison asks her about Faith and Shelley. Dana says that Faith spends a lot of time with Casey. Alison has a warning about this too. She likes Casey but the girl tends to take her friends down with her and Alison doesn't want that to happen to Faith. She says PA already has an eye on Faith which is solely based on her friendship with Casey. Sounds fair. Dana gives her the run-down on Shelley too, saying that her homesickness is getting worse. All Shelley does is talk about how much she misses her boyfriend and how she wishes she was home. Paul hasn't been as attentive and Shelley's feeling forgotten. Alison doesn't really have any words of wisdom about that. They'll just hope things improve.

We time hop a few days into the future. Dana and Bret are taking a walk in the woods. The leaves are beginning to change color and the weather is pleasantly cool. Bret tells her that winter comes without warning in this area and soon they'll be knee-deep in snow so they have to enjoy the fall while it lasts. Dana's snagged (#stolen) some extra toast from the cafeteria and Bret's brought a jar of peanut butter and they're all set to have a picnic when they realize that neither of them brought a knife. They end up tearing off pieces of toast and dipping it into the peanut butter like chips. He's being all poetic and romantic and she's basically making a joke of it. He gets hurt and asks her why she's putting up barriers between them. She tells him she knows about his reputation and he smoothly tells her he just hasn't found the right girl until now.

#theyallsaythat

Meanwhile Faith and Casey are at the movie theater. They watch some movie about an alcoholic or something and afterwards Faith comments that she's never had a drink. Of course, she's ONLY 15 so this should not have been a shocking thing but Casey treats it as if Faith is an alien being. She says that Faith needs to at least have one beer or she'll have to turn in her “swinging black chick” card. I have no idea what that even is, but Faith seems to think it's important. Casey ducks into the bathroom of the theater and puts on heavy make-up and then the two of them walk down to Smyth's Food and Liquors.

Seriously? Smyth's Food and Liquors? That's the dumbest name for a place I've ever heard. C'mon, ghostie, you can do better than this.

Casey goes in first so the clerks don't think she and Faith are together. Casey's at the counter when Faith gets there. She's buying bologna, bread, pork 'n beans and milk. As the cashier rings up her purchases, she makes a huge show of being irritated that she forgot her husband's beer. The cashier doesn't even bat an eye. He asks her how many she wants and what kind. A minute later Casey is walking out with two cans of Bud.

The girls go back to Casey's room to drink beer and eat bologna sandwiches.

#revolting

Now we're treated to Shelley's portion of the afternoon. She's been alone in 407. First she tries to do homework but can't concentrate. Then she goes through all Paul's letters and underlines the romantic parts with red pen (WTF???). Then she eats half a pan of brownies and bitches about Gale getting bigger.

Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 6

After this riveting schedule she writes a letter to Paul and takes a nap.

We skip to Monday afternoon now. Dana is in choir practice and she shares sheet music with a truly terrible person named Dorothy. Dorothy has greasy hair which clearly makes her some kind of psychopath or something. She asks Dana who she's taking to the Harvest Holiday dance and Dana realizes that Bret hasn't asked her yet. She casually mentions that she doesn't know if she and Bret will be going. She makes up some story about Bret thinking dances are stupid to save face with Dorothy but the reality is that he hasn't mentioned it once and she doesn't know why. It's a pretty big deal. Kind of like Homecoming I guess. That's when Dorothy drops the bomb that Bret's taking some girl named Polly to the dance.

Dana is crushed but determined not to let Dorothy know. She makes up some story about Bret's parents and Polly's parents being friends and Bret taking Polly out as a favor to them, but Dorothy clearly knows she's lying. As soon as choir is over, Dana heads for Alison's room. Alison does the mature adult thing and encourages Dana to exact some revenge.

#howdidthiswomangetthisjob

Dana comes up with “Plan Booga-Booga” (I can't make this ish up, y'all) and recruits Faith, Shelley and Casey to help her. They put on gorilla costumes and lie in wait by Polly's dorm. When he comes out with Polly, they surround them and start shouting booga-booga at them. Polly and Bret try to ignore them, but the gorilla's follow them as they walk across campus. Bret finally gets annoyed and threatens to deck one of them but Shelley giggles and he realizes that they're girls and he can't hit them. They dog the couple all the way to the door of the gym and then take off. Dana's pretty sure Bret has figured it out by this point and she's thrilled to show him that she's not just going to sit in her room crying over a loser like him.

That had to be the stupidest plans I've EVER read in one of these books.

Bret meets Dana outside of choir practice the next day. I guess either the dance was on a school night or they have choir practice on the weekends. Or maybe the ghostie lost track of her own damn story.

#evenodds

Bret apologizes and claims that he felt something deep for her and it scared him and he ran but now he knows he's truly in love with her and he's going to change his ways.

#sameoldstorysameoldsong

Dana wisely tells him that she'll never be able to trust him again and she can't be in a relationship with someone she doesn't trust. She tells him she doesn't want to see him again and she takes off running.

Ghostie tells us a few weeks have passed. It's some random Tuesday and all three girls are down in the dumps. Dana is still heartbroken over Bret, Shelley is still homesick and Faith had a whole reel of film ruined because someone mislabeled chemicals in the dark room. This sounds super dangerous and she's lucky the film is the only thing that got ruined. They all decide to go to bed early. At eleven o'clock, some random girl sticks her head in their door to tell them that Faith has a phone call.

It turns out to be Casey. She's at the all-night diner by the highway and she's getting ready to hitchhike somewhere far away from Canby. She doesn't want Faith to stop her (yeah, right) but she didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. Faith convinces her to wait there so they can say goodbye in person. She plans to convince Casey to come back and then to sneak both of them back into the dorm so no one gets in trouble.

Dana and Shelley sensibly try to talk her out of it. Faith won't be deterred.  Then they sensibly beg her to tell Alison instead but Faith refuses.  One of the girls on the first floor owes her a favor and she plans to use that window to get in and out. Clearly an excellent plan like this could never go wrong.

She makes it to the diner without being caught. Casey is a mess when she gets there. Casey says that she's had a letter from her parents and they're not going to be around for Christmas this year AND they'll be in Europe all next summer so they're shipping her off to some wilderness camp that's supposed to build her character. I have no idea why they're telling her about next summer now. It doesn't make much sense. Anyway, she's upset about that and because she got called in before PA and the disciplinary board that day. They've put her on probation. She can't go out on weekdays and she has a 10pm curfew on weekends. So she's decided to cut and run instead.

Faith tells her to stop acting like an idiot. Casey deserves to be on probation so she just needs to do her time and suck it up. Running away is dangerous at her age and it's not going to be as easy as Casey thinks. There's a very real possibility that Casey could end up in a ditch somewhere. Casey finally agrees to go back to Canby. When they get there, the girl who let Faith out has locked her window and fallen asleep.

#dundundun

Also, #predictable

Faith and Casey throw rocks at the window of 407 (impressive arms they have there) until Shelley opens the window. Faith tells her to get down to rando girl's room and open the damn window. It takes her forever. Probably because of Gale. Eventually the window opens and Casey dives through. Before Faith can get through, though, security catches her. PA is there too and asks Faith what the hell she's doing. Faith tells her that she was on a date and stayed out too late. She just happened to see the open window and was trying to get in.

No one should be buying this story. Everyone keeps going on and on about how cold it is. No one would be sleeping with their window open in this weather. PA lets it go and tells Faith to be in her office right after breakfast the next day.

Dana and Shelley are furious with Casey. Apparently she just ran to her room after she got through the window and never even paused to see what happened to Faith. They encourage Faith to tell the truth but if she does, Casey will be kicked out of the school. Shelley tells her that Casey wasn't thinking about her so she shouldn't think about Casey.

Casey apologizes the next day but says she can't come forward. She's been kicked out of so many schools and if she messes up again she's going to be sent somewhere truly awful. Dana accuses her of being a terrible person and an awful friend but Casey just bursts into tears and runs off. Faith tells them to lay off. Casey's all alone in the world and scared. Dana says maybe there's a reason she's all alone.

The next day, Faith is put on restrictions for a month. She isn't allowed to leave Baker House except for meals and classes. She's okay with that but then PA says her mother will have to be called and Faith freaks out. For two days she mopes around while the entire dorm fawns over her and buys her cards and flowers.

Um.

Why exactly would the entire dorm even care about this?

#room407worshipbegins

Two days later, Faith is called back into PA's office. Casey is there and she's confessed everything. Faith is let off on time served and told not to do it again. Luckily for her, PA hadn't called her mom yet. I think PA knew something else was up and she was waiting a bit to see if she could figure it out. Casey is offered counseling in addition to her confinement and all's well that ends well.

We're winding down in the book so Faith decides to do a little interfering in Dana's love life. She encourages Dana to forgive Bret because we all know that unfaithful serial-daters make the very best boyfriends. Dana decides to call him and she bursts into tears as soon as she hears his voice. He begs her not to cry, tells her he loves her and asks her if she'll go out for pizza with him so he can apologize again for hurting her. She agrees.

Since she had so much success interfering with Dana, Faith turns her attention on Shelley for the last few pages. She decides that Shelley needs a make-over to get rid of her “bubble-do” and to get her some jeans that aren't a “dumb color”. Wow, Faith is just....awful. Dana points out that Shelley likes the way she looks and telling her that she needs a make-over is really insulting. Why the actual fuck am I agreeing with the life ruiner so damn much in this book? It's killing me slowly. Anyway, Faith suggests that they tell Shelley that Faith needs a model for a photo shoot and maybe she'll agree to be “styled”.

Shelley goes for it instantly, although she's a little nervous about having her hair cut. I would be terrified since Dana's the one cutting it but she eventually gives in. They take her shopping where they buy her a pair of baggy pleated jeans to hide Gale.

First........ Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 7 (or is it 8??)

Second.....baggy, pleated jeans would make Gale look worse I think.

They pair these awful jeans with a dusty-rose crew neck and a navy blue button-down. This outfit sounds awful even by 80's standards. They take her to get her ears pierced and then take her back to the dorm for her haircut. Dana cuts it all one length and then puts it on tiny hot rollers to give Shelley a fro. I don't understand this makeover at all. Shelley seems pleased with the results, though. Afterwards, Shelley announces that she's not coming back after Christmas. Her parents have finally relented because she's been so very unhappy.

Suddenly it's time for Christmas vacation. Wow this year is flying by. Dana and Faith are sad that Shelley won't be coming back but they've tried everything to get her to stay and she's not interested. They tearfully part and all go their separate ways until January. Ghostie only gives us a few paragraphs about their Christmas breaks and it completely centers around what presents they got. A short page-and-a-half later, they're back at Canby.

To their surprise (but not ours because....I mean.....it's a series after all) Shelley comes back after all. She tells them that going home just emphasized to her how much she's changed. She's not the same and that life isn't her life anymore. So she's back to give Canby a fair shake. They're all overjoyed and the book finally, mercifully, ends.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I'm totally going to pretend this never happened. If you mention it to me, I'm going to pretend that I have NO idea what you're talking about. I have to give this to Dana, y'all. She was the most reasonable and mature of them all and didn't do one damn thing to ruin anyone's life. (BUT SHE WILL!!!)

The Bitch of Baker House: This has to go to Casey. She was hell-bent on dragging Faith down with her this book and didn't really care about anyone but herself. It's sad because I actually like the girl. Mostly.

Coming up next: The dumbest book in the ENTIRE series. Someone gets kidnapped and held for ransom. Seriously.  

Six Roommates and a Baby (Book 33) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: They're brand new godmothers!

From the Back of the Book: There's nothing the 407 girls can't handle.  Is there?  All the girls of 407, old and new, converge on Boston to be godmothers at the christening of their former housemother Alison's new twins.  And not everyone is happy about it.  Then Alison sprains her ankle and her wrist, and her husband has to go on a business trip.  Who will take care of the twins?  The girls of 407 volunteer.  But a romantic rivalry is brewing between Shelley and Jane, Toby is avoiding the babies, and the older girls are acting so superior.  Before they can become the perfect godmothers, Andy, Jane and Toby, and Faith, Dana and Shelley have a lot to learn about babies - and themselves!

I find the title of this book to be totally misleading.  My guess is that they were trying to ride the tails of 3 Men and a Baby but the fact is that it was Six Roommates and TWO Babies.

This book was published in 1989 and it's my first time reading through it. It's the last one of the series. I don't know if they knew it was the last one when they wrote it or if that came as a bad surprise later but maybe we'll be able to tell at the end. All I can say is they better tell us what that tea bag means or I recapped this bloody series for nothing. I won't be happy if that's the case. The ghostie for this book is Lynn Zednick again. She gave us But She's So Cute, The Roommate and the Cowboy and Surprise!. I 100% cannot remember if I like her or hate her and I'm not about to reread those recaps to find out.

Hey, y'all, TOBY GOT A COVER!!!! It took a hundred books but she's finally the most important one!!! Do you think that's what ended the series? Is it kind of like hell freezing over? When Toby gets a cover, everything ends? PS That baby is huge and Andy looks like a 30-year-old.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: You guys know the basics. We have three protagonists (Jane – high society princess, Andy – urban ballerina and Toby – small town ranch girl). Jane is dating Cary-the-rock-god from the nearby boys' school Oakley Prep. Andy is dating a boy named Matt who is sometimes said to be from the public school in town and sometimes said to be from Oakley Prep. Well, I should say she's dating Matt when she's not dating Steve who works in her family's rib shack. It mostly depends on her geographic location at the time. Toby is dating the ultra-proper Neal from Boston (who happens to be Jane's ex), and crushing on local rancher Randy who has magical aging powers that allow him to be a different age in every book. In the last book, Andy was completely self-absorbed and bitchy because she was heart-broken over losing her one true love Ramad (or whatever his name was). #fuckMatt #fuckSteve She volunteered the other girls for some committee they didn't want to be on and then threw epic fits when she thought they weren't working hard enough on it. There was a lame secret admirer named Todd that I didn't care about at all. In the B plot, Toby thought her dad was dying but it turned out he was only engaged. #samediff Oh, and Neal and Cary were absolutely amazing during Toby's crises and I fell in love with them all over again.

Where was Randy during said crises you ask??? Good fucking question. #digupRandy

Oh. On second thought, DON'T dig up Randy. Dana-the-life-ruiner is in this book and I don't want her to get her disgusting hands on him again. Poor Randy.

Those Who Shall Not Be Unnamed: Former 407 residents Dana-the-life-ruiner, Shelley-the-drama-llama and Faith-the-sanctimonious and former housemother-extraordinaire-Alison. Hey, just because they've all moved on doesn't mean we can't worship them at least once every book.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Um.....So our six roommates, Neal and Alison were the only recurring characters in this book.  Randy was mentioned twice and Cary was mentioned a few times but NO ONE else was even brought up.  Not even Maggie whose sister was in town for an entire week.  They are all, missing, presumed dead.  #amomentofsilencefortheentiretownofGreenleafMassachusetts

I didn't get to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes.  Sigh.  Rest in peace, Maggie.  I'll miss you.  Kind of.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: THEY'RE ALL BURIED FOR ETERNITY!!!!!!

Here we go. Our last rodeo, y'all.

We begin with our protagonist Toby. She's a little melancholy as she often is in the winter. She's trying to work on a paper but her mind keeps wandering. She's happy to be at Canby Hall – a fact that surprises her a little given her rocky start there a year ago – but she still misses home. Home is changing now that her father is getting married and she has very real concerns about her place in his new life. I think everyone goes through this when their parent remarries.

Jane and Andy eventually join her. Jane is excited because Alison (former housemother-extraordinaire) is going to christen her babies that weekend in Boston and she's invited the girls to attend. The babies (Nicole and Jennifer) are six months old now and Alison wants them to be honorary godmothers.

God, please help those poor babies.

I cannot imagine worse godmothers for a child.

Jane and Andy are pretty thrilled at the honor of being asked. Toby is slightly terrified. She thinks it involves a little more than the occasional birthday card that the other girls are imagining. Godparents mean different things to different people and I have a feeling Alison intends them to serve in name only but I guess we'll see.

We skip ahead to the weekend. The girls are going to stay with Jane's parents and Toby is super excited to see Neal. I can't blame her. He was a total asshole for one book but then he morphed into this marvelous person that I adore. They eat lunch at Jane's house and then head over to Alison's apartment. They're surprised when Faith-the-sanctimonious answers the door.

Here we go.

Sigh.

Dana-the-life-ruiner and Shelley-the-drama-llama are both present as well. There are some tense moments as the girls realize they've all been asked to be godmothers but then they relax and start to chat. Finally someone asks to see the babies and Alison leads them to the nursery. Nicole has blonde hair and Jennifer has brown hair. That's all I really get from these pages.

Naturally the younger girls bumble about and wake the babies up in the most clownish ways possible and the older girls are annoyed because they just got them to sleep. Any chance for those original girls to be superior and condescending.......

Eventually the babies wake up from their naps and everyone but Toby fights over them like they're toys or something. I guess Alison just lets it happen. I bet she's exhausted. One baby is hard enough, I can't imagine two. Finally the younger set leaves to have dinner at Jane's house.

The next day they go over early to help get the babies ready. From the very beginning there's a lot of static with the older girls. They're all acting smug and superior and telling the younger girls that they're doing everything wrong. While everyone else is fighting over baby duty, Toby slips out to the living room. She wants no part of any of this.

The doorbell rings and it's some handsome 18-year-old godfather named Ryan that I'm sure everyone but Toby will fight to the death over. Who will be the first to succumb to cheater fever?  Please.  We all know the answer.  Ryan is David's (Mr Alison) nephew and godfather to Jennifer. David's brother Ted is going to be Nicole's godfather. All the girls (except Toby) seem pretty hot for Ryan.

Shelley goes full-on flirt and Jane is PISSED. She saw him before Shelley and that means he belongs to her.

Sigh.

Poor Cary.

The christening goes as most christenings do. The babies cry the entire time. During the reception we take a turn in Alison's head. She's warm and the crowd feels a little suffocating to her. She decides to step outside and get a breath of fresh air. The stairs are slick with snow and she ends up falling down them, feeling a horrible pain in her ankle and wrist.

We flash into Jane's head for a bit. She's furious that Shelley is flirting so shamelessly with Ryan. Ryan is a year younger than Shelley and Jane finds that disgusting. She thinks Shelley should find someone her own age. #fuckCary

We spend about eight pages reading descriptions of various people searching for Alison and of Alison feeling stupid for going outside and getting hurt. There's a lot of shuffling twins around and Jane glaring at Shelley and then Alison is finally located and rescued. She's taken to the hospital where it's discovered that she has a severe sprain to her ankle and a regular sprain to her wrist. They put her foot in a cast and she's not able to use crutches because of her wrist. Naturally, David is set to go on some business trip for five days so she's in a hopeless situation until the 407 girls (old and new) volunteer to stay with her to help. Then we get this....

“How could anything possibly go wrong with six of the best girls Canby Hall ever had coming to her rescue?”

Are these girls seriously the best Canby Hall ever had?

That school must SUCK, y'all.

I wouldn't send my kids there if that's the best they can turn out.

Also.

So we settle into a comfortable routine of the older girls being condescending and the younger girls being butthurt and the innocent lives of two babies hanging precariously between them. Seriously, Alison should have hired a home health aide for five days. I get the feeling she doesn't love her children much.

During all the bumbling, the phone rings at Alison's house. Jane answers and is pleased to find it's Ryan. He's called to ask one of the godmothers for a personal tour of Boston and Jane pounces on that fast. She tells him to meet her at her house, though, to make sure Shelley doesn't get a chance. Then she tells everyone else that she has to go home and meet her sister for awhile but she'll be back later. Cheater Fever always comes with a side effect of lying-out-of-your-ass.

Shelley's on to her though. She heard Jane give her address to whoever she was talking to on the phone (that was EXCEPTIONALLY stupid of Jane – she needed a better lie) and she suspects it was Ryan and Jane is bogarting her hunk. I guess this must be our B Plot. Sigh.

Dana is having a life crises right there in the middle of  a Boston condo. She's been living with her dad for a couple of years now at his request but now she's really missing being in school and meeting new people and doing things with friends. Andy suggests it might be time to consider college and Dana bites her head off and basically tells her it's nunya.

A little simple, free advice, Dana. If you want something to be none of someone's business, then DON'T TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. #commonsenseisn'tsocommon

We briefly join Jane and Ryan during their tour of Boston. They eat and walk and she buys a scarf because he tells her it matches her eyes. It's riveting. She tells us that she's well on her way to being in love with Ryan already.

Someone go hug poor Cary for me. This guy really needs a new girlfriend. One that doesn't go to Canby Hall.

Baby care is exhausting and it doesn't take long for the girls to get tired of doing it. They spend a very sleepless night all getting up every time the babies cry and then one of the geniuses finally realizes they should be doing it on a schedule so some of them can get some sleep. #worksmartnothard Toby is petrified but can't see a graceful way to get out of baby care.

Neal calls to ask Toby on a date and she's grateful for the time away. It takes her awhile to actually get away though. First he and Jane spend forever catching up and then she can't get him away from the babies. Neal loves babies and that's the last nail in my coffin.  💖#swoon💖

When they finally get away, he says he can tell she needs a little TLC. She hasn't been complaining but it's pretty evident that she's really stressed out. He takes good care of her for the rest of the evening. When she keeps falling asleep in the movie theater, he puts his arm around her and offers his shoulder as a pillow (💖) and just cuddles her as she sleeps instead of getting mad or taking it personally. He's pretty much perfect and I'm so glad he got away from Jane.  #saveCary

The next day Ryan calls again. This time Dana answers the phone so Shelley actually gets a chance to talk to him. He warns her not to let Jane know it's him or she'll barge in on their date. So apparently Ryan is playing both of them. Ordinarily this would piss me off but I HATE both Jane and Shelley and they're both cheating on boyfriends (remember Paul, Shelley???) so they kind of deserve what they get at this point. I hope he takes them both down, yanks out their cheating hearts and stomps them into oblivion.

Andy is pissed because the older girls are doing all the baby care while the younger girls keep getting stuck with the menial jobs. She stages a coup – without talking to Jane and Toby – and forces the older girls to turn over the babies. The only problem is that Jane and Toby were both happier doing the other tasks. Neither of them knows anything about baby care. Jane is clueless but willing while Toby is petrified. She ends up ducking out to tackle the laundry.

Dana is still struggling with all her life choices. She decides to seek Alison's counsel. She tells Alison that she really wants to go to college but she's afraid she won't fit in because she's a couple of years behind. Alison reminds her that people of all ages go to college and she'll be just fine. Is this our C Plot? If it is, it's almost wrapped up. Dana decides to check out some colleges in Boston and she goes off on her merry way.

The next day Neal calls to ask Toby to have lunch with him and then Ryan calls and asks Jane to go to a little restaurant he discovered with his “aunt” the day before. Stupid, Ryan. You never go to the same place with both girls you're seeing. You could get busted by the staff. Dana is pissed to hear they're both leaving and makes a comment about how the younger girls are irresponsible. Dana, Shelley and Andy get into a huge fight with the older two saying the younger ones are no help and Andy saying the older ones don't let them do anything. Faith finally steps in and calls a truce, saying they'll divide up the work more fairly from now on.

Jane and Ryan end up at the same restaurant as Neal and Toby. Toby helpfully gives us all a rundown of all the times Jane has cheated on a boyfriend and that takes awhile. Later, Jane catches up with Toby and gives her the same story about Ryan that Shelley gave Dana.  He's clearly told each girl that he's hiding from the other one.  He needs to work on his originality. Jane tells Toby that this is 💫it💫. True love. She and Ryan are going to be together forever. Toby manages not to roll her eyes and thinks that Jane and Ryan will last until Jane gets back to Canby and sees Cary again. She also thinks about how sorry she feels for poor Cary sometimes.  #truth

That night it's Toby's turn for baby duty. She's scared but Andy gets up with her and kind of talks her through it. Everything goes fine and Toby gets a huge confidence boost from it. She thinks she might even be able to have kids someday.

The next day, Dana decides to go apply to some college or other and she asks Andy and Faith to go with her since they've been encouraging her to get her life together. Andy hesitates because that will leave Jane, Toby and Shelley alone with the babies. What Andy doesn't know is that Shelley has plans to sneak out and see Ryan.

Jane and Toby decide to do laundry while the babies nap. Jane has no idea what she's doing so Toby talks her through it. A baby cries before they get the load started so Toby goes to attend the baby while Jane finishes up getting the washer going. Naturally Jane adds three cups of detergent because she's just that inept.

Again, these are the best Canby Hall has to offer, people. Girls who can't even read the directions on a bottle of laundry detergent and follow them correctly.

Meanwhile Ryan and Shelley are going to all the places he went to with Jane a few days ago. She even buys the exact same scarf that Jane bought because he tells her that it matches her eyes.

Apparently Ryan has a thing for blue-eyed blondes.

How very Aryan of him.

Back with Jane and Toby.....the twins are super fussy so they decide to feed them. For some reason they choose beets which is a huge mess. Then the twins have to be bathed and redressed. They're still fussy so the girls give them bottles. Then one of them spits up and they both panic because it looks like blood. Eventually they figure out it was because of the beets and all is well.

Shelley comes back with the scarf and Jane is hella suspicious. Alison is bummed because David will be back the next day and all the girls will leave. Dana offers to stay a few more days to help out and Alison pounces on the idea.

You know, it just occurred to me that Toby, Jane and Andy are missing ANOTHER week of school.  Do their parents even know where they are?  Does no one care about their education.  I mean, they're the best Canby Hall has to offer.  They have standards to uphold.

The twins begin teething and the girls all have a very restless night trying to calm them. Everyone is exhausted and irritable the next morning. Jane and Shelley discover they've both been dating Ryan and it leads to a screaming match between all six girls. Alison hobbles out of bed to mediate it.

Eventually everyone calms down. Jane sobs that now she knows how Cary feels when she cheats on him and vows to be a one-man woman from now on. #I'llbelievethatwhenIseeit

PS Right after I typed that hashtag, I went back to the book and Andy said the exact same thing out loud to Jane.

David comes home and the younger girls get on a train to head back to school. The book ends with the girls dreaming of getting a good night's sleep in room 407.

So I don't think they knew this was going to be the last book, y'all. I think they would have had some kind of send-off or super cheesy line to end it all and they just didn't.

Also.

WE NEVER FOUND OUT WHAT THE FUCKING TEA BAG MEANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We didn't get to say goodbye to ANYONE.  We haven't even seen Randy for ages and I need my Cary fix, y'all.  This is so unfair.

I have NEVER been so pissed off at a book in my life.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: This is going to be a triple.  Clearly Toby and Neal get it because they're awesome always.  But....and I can't believe I'm even typing this....they have to share it with Faith.  I know, I know.  It shocked me too but out of all of them, she was the most kind and the least condescending.

The Bitch of Baker House Award:  It's a two-fer for Jane and Shelley.  They were both awful through the entire book.

I can't believe it's over.  In some weird way I'm going to miss some of these people.  Not most of them, but some of them.

Who's Got a Crush on Andy? (Book 32) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: Andy has a secret admirer!

From the Back of the Book: How do you mend a broken heart?  Andy found her prince at the royal wedding, but it didn't work.  So she's never going to fall in love again.  And she's keeping very, very busy to make sure she doesn't.  The new, too-busy-for-love Andy is making her roommates, Toby and Jane, crazy.  But how can they get her to slow down and act like her old, warm, caring self?  Nothing works!  Then a secret admirer starts sending Andy terrible love poems and beautiful flowers.  Andy says she's not interested.  But if her roommates have anything to do with it, she will be.  Jane and Toby know that the best cure for Andy's broken heart is a new love - and a little help from her friends.

It's amazing how many people subscribe to the theory that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  I'd just like to say that the best way to get over someone is to allow yourself time to heal before you rush into the next relationship.  Okay, Agony Aunt out.

This book was published in 1989 and I've never read this one before. We are two from the end, y'all. Just this one and one more and this ride will be all over. (I'm refusing to acknowledge that I have to recap the old girls.) The ghostie for this book is Carol Ellis. She's done two book so far in this series (Princess Who and Help Wanted). We know her well from the PH books I've done on my other recap blog so I won't bore you with details. I mostly like her. Usually.

The cover seems pretty typical. Andy and Jane are front and center while poor Toby is pushed to the background again. I'm trying decide if Toby is wearing a dress or a nightgown. If it's a dress, that seems pretty out of character for her. If it's a nightgown, it looks super uncomfortable. Also, Jane and Andy look like they're about to start making out.....which I could get behind. It would set Cary free.

Also, Andy is never given roses at any time in this book.  Just sayin'. 

Canby Hall Catch-Up: You guys know the basics. We have three protagonists (Jane – high society princess, Andy – urban ballerina and Toby – small town ranch girl). Jane is dating Cary-the-rock-god from the nearby boys' school Oakley Prep. Andy is dating a boy named Matt who is sometimes said to be from the public school in town and sometimes said to be from Oakley Prep. Well, I should say she's dating Matt when she's not dating Steve who works in her family's rib shack. It mostly depends on her geographic location at the time. Toby is dating the ultra-proper Neal from Boston (who happens to be Jane's ex), and crushing on local rancher Randy who has magical aging powers that allow him to be a different age in every book. In the last book, Andy was invited to be a bridesmaid in Princess Allegra's wedding so the girls left school and flew off to Montavia. These three American teenagers who can barely function as human beings were asked to give Allegra lessons on how to be a queen which caused me to call #bullshit an unprecedented amount of times. They were assigned escorts for all the wedding events. Toby's turned out to be a decent guy and they became friends. Jane's was annoying and almost ruined the reception. Andy's was a sexist prince who was determined to make her his sheltered and controlled princess. And she almost turned her entire life over to a guy she met FOUR TIMES. But the most remarkable thing of all was that JANE DIDN'T CHEAT ON CARY!!!!!!!

Those Who Shall Not Be Unnamed: Former 407 residents Dana-the-life-ruiner, Shelley-the-drama-llama and Faith-the-sanctimonious and former housemother-extraordinaire-Alison. Hey, just because they've all moved on doesn't mean we can't worship them at least once every book.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Laura Lee is just bones and dust now, y'all.  #amomentofsilenceforLauraLee  Yolanda is definitely buried under the tulips again and poor Randy wasn't mentioned even once so I fear he's fertilizer as well.  But I 💖Randy.  {{{Pouty Face}}}

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Gigi is topside again but most surprising of all, PENNY is back!!!! After four books with no mention, I thought we were going to have to have a moment of silence for her as well.  Nice to see you on the ground instead of under it, Penny.  We've missed you.

We begin with two of our protagonists (Jane and Toby) hanging out in their room on a Saturday. It's snowy and cold outside and there isn't much to do inside, so they're waiting on the mail to come. I actually get this. When I was living in the dorms at college, sometimes the best part of the day was when the mail came. Then again, I was always hoping for a letter from the love of my life, so..........

Anyway, it's cold in the room. The heaters aren't working properly and, again, I call #bullshit. I've said it before and I'll say it again – this is an expensive private school. Parents would not be standing for this nonsense when they pay so much for their kids to be fed well and kept warm.

They give us a review of the last book and then settle in to start talking about Andy. She's so morose over leaving her one true love (#fuckMatt #fuckSteve) that she hasn't been herself lately. She's been trying to keep herself very busy and they barely see her. She's putting on a fake front of cheerfulness that's giving her roommates the creeps.

With that, we hop on over to Andy's head. She's mooning over Ramad (the prince from the previous book) and generally moping around. She doesn't want to talk to anyone because her heart is just too raw and broken right now, so she's thinking of everything she can to stay away from the dorms and her roommates. I can't really blame her there. She's leaving the studio and trying to figure out what to do next when she runs into Gigi. It's nice to see her above the soil.

The only thing of note that comes from the Gigi encounter is that she reminds Andy of some paper they have due and Andy decides to go to the library in town so she doesn't run into any fellow students.

We time hop to Monday. Andy's weekly care package had arrived back on Friday but she hasn't picked it up yet. The entire dorm is waiting on tenterhooks for her to open it. They want that food! Maggie, Dee and Penny circle the thing like vultures. PENNY STILL EXISTS, Y'ALL!!! She's looking a little mossy and there's earthworms in her hair but she's above ground for the first time in four books!

Andy comes in and announces that she's decided Canby Hall should have a winter carnival and PA (head bitch in charge) agreed because she knows she's just a decorative figurehead at the place and the girls from 407 are the real bosses. Not only that, but Andy has named her roommates, Dee, Maggie and Penny as her planning committee and she won't take no for an answer. She doesn't actually wait to hear how they feel about it – or to ask Penny why there's clumps of dirt falling out of her clothes – before she rushes off. Her committee isn't very thrilled.

This isn't the first time Andy's done this either. She truly doesn't care what other people want as long as she's happy. #allhailtheQueen

We hop into Jane's head now. She and Toby have decided to eat at the diner in town. Cary's working and he joins them for a few minutes to ask Jane to go to a Beatles movie in town the next night. Because their movie theater is apparently stuck in the 60's and is still showing Beatles movies. I suppose it could be a classic film fest or something so I'll let this one slide but I swear the ghosties are stuck in a whole different decade. Jane isn't sure whether to accept. She isn't into all that “wild rock and roll music.”

Would ANY child of the 80's consider the BEATLES to be “wild rock and roll music”? Seriously?  This was the era of hair bands.  The Beatles would not be considered wild by anyone.

Cary assures her that her ears can handle it but then she remembers that they have a planning meeting the next evening and she has to attend because Queen Andy has proclaimed it so.

Meanwhile Toby is reading her second letter from her father in three days. This is unusual because he never has much to say and writes infrequently. It doesn't say much – in fact it repeats some of the things he said in his previous letter. She wonders if something's wrong that he's not telling her and our B plot emerges.

We hop to the next evening and the meeting. Dee didn't come at all because she's just a badass that way and Toby is running late so Andy is already annoyed when they start. She can't believe they'd dare disobey her like this. She announces that they'll have a snow-person building contest, an ice hockey match and a snowball fight and asks if any of them have any other ideas. Maggie asks what will happen if the snow melts before then and Andy is furious. She vows to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes because she's certain Maggie is trying to plan a coup. Jane and Penny begin to discuss food and cider that they might opt to have at the carnival and Andy gets royally pissed that they aren't sticking to the subject. Even though they ARE. She grabs her coat and tells them to stay and keep working until they make up for all her time that they've wasted and she leaves the room.

Andy is heading for the city library again. There's a particular book she's been looking for and someone has it checked out. Instead of asking a librarian and reserving the damn thing, she decides that angrily standing in front of the empty shelf is a better way to solve her problem. She's mega-pissed at all her friends and particularly at her roommates. She can't believe how they always let her down. She decides to just plan the whole damn carnival herself since no one else is interested.

Andy seriously needs to be told what the definition of VOLUNTEER is. If she actually asked for volunteers instead of just ordering people to help her, she might find people who are genuinely interested in planning things.

Andy spots a library employee (a boy about her age) getting ready to shelve a cart full of books and she begins to search through the cart for the book she wants. She's making a huge mess of things and he seems a little annoyed with her but she doesn't much care. She offers him a weak apology and moves on with her life leaving him to completely re-alphabetize his entire cart. #considerate

We hop into Toby's head and our B plot. Her father has written his third letter in four days and she's freaking out because they all say something about enjoying life while you can. She's convinced that something terrible is going on. She ends up finding Jane to confide her worries. Seems like a poor choice to me but I guess it's better than Andy. She should have gone to the ranch to talk to Randy but I guess he's rotting under the ground this book.

Toby is convinced her dad has cancer or something but Jane tries to reassure her that it might be something less terrifying. Toby tries several times that night to call him but there's no answer. She spends the rest of the week calling him with no luck. By Friday she's a nervous wreck. She gets up super early and decides to go for a walk.

She wakes Andy up as she's getting dressed and Andy tells her she wants some winter carnival ideas ASAP. Toby tells her no and Andy goes on and on about how awful and self-absorbed Toby is. Poor Toby completely loses it at this point and screams at her that she has actual problems and Andy can shove the carnival up her ass. Well, she actually said Andy could cancel it but my way is much more satisfying. #teamToby

Toby decides she needs to go home and talk to her dad in person. There's a lot involved with this. She has to find a ride to the train or bus station in Greenleaf, take said train or bus to Boston, get a ride from the station to the airport and then get a ticket. She also needs permission to leave campus and money. Jane and Andy jump in to help her.

First the ride to the station is taken care of. Jane calls Cary and he says he'll be happy to help because he's awesome. I 💖Cary💖. Neal agrees to pick her up at the station in Boston and drive her to the airport and he also gets the ticket, saying Toby can just pay him back. I 💖Neal💖.

Either something's wrong with Cary's car or the ghostie has forgotten he owns one (#fuckcontinuity) because he has to borrow one from someone on his floor. It's a bit of a junker and Jane and Andy bitch about it the whole way because they're super grateful that way. They're all super sweet and supportive to Toby and she goes off on her little trip.

Well, we made it to page 63 before Ellis remember there was an A plot – you know, the one that the book is named after? Andy picks up her mail and finds that someone has sent her one of her lost mittens with the following note......

“Dear Andy Cord,

It's cold outside, there's snow and ice. You'll need this to keep your fingers warm and nice.”

#inspired

Why do the notes in these things ALWAYS rhyme? And a better question....why are the rhymes always so LAME?

She reveals she got a second note earlier as well.......

“Dear Andy,

Tomorrow night I'll see you dancing. Moving to music, you're sure to be doubly enchanting.”

Lame.

And also......

The girls are excited that this creepy stalker is coming to Andy's recital.

We hop into Toby's head. Her father doesn't have cancer or anything and she's grateful for that but he's thinking about getting married and she's not sure how to feel. It's just been her and her dad for a very long time and she doesn't even know who this woman is yet. I completely understand how she feels.

It's Sunday now. Don't worry, you didn't miss much on Saturday – just the girls chattering about the stalker. Andy's recital went well, of course, because #room407isfailproof. Toby calls to tell Jane she's headed home and she'll need a ride from the station in Greenleaf back to school. She doesn't need Neal this time, though, because she's discovered a bus that goes from the airport in Boston to the tiny, insignificant town of Greenleaf. #credible She tells Jane her father isn't sick but doesn't reveal anything else.

Andy receives a bouquet of daisies and another note......

“Dear Andy,

I was there last night as I promised I'd be, and just as expected, you danced magnificently.

PS Not a bad rhyme, huh?”

Cary takes Jane to pick up Toby at the station. Andy is too 'busy' to bother. They go to the diner because Cary is actually supposed to be working and the girls have dinner there. Toby tells Jane about Emma, the woman her father is engaged to. She admits that Emma seems nice and she seems to make her father really happy but she's still just a little unsure of everything because she's human. She vows to make the best of things, though, because she wants her father to be happy.

We hop into Andy's head. She's rushing through the library looking for a lost notebook full of notes for her paper and that book she refuses to reserve. Sure enough, the book is gone again. She runs toward the front desk and collides with that poor guy and his book cart. She ends up tipping the damn thing over and all the books go flying so he'll have to re-alphabetize them yet again. If I were him, I'd hate her hard but I have the feeling he's our stalker.

The B plot is all wrapped up so we get around to the A plot again but it mostly consists of Toby and Jane discussing the stalker and vowing to find him.....somehow. They're discussing it when Andy comes in all pissed because that “creep” at the library ran her over with the book cart. #alternatefacts Toby tries to tell her about her father and Emma but Andy can't be bothered to listen.

Jane and Toby plan to stake out the places Andy goes often to try to find some boy acting mysteriously and then they'll know who the stalker is. This.....this is a REALLY stupid plan, y'all. Of course it's going to work because #room407isfailproof.  Jane starts out by loitering around the diner. Toby takes the theater building which is apparently also used by Oakley Prep.

Andy's notebook mysteriously appears in the common room of Baker House and she's excited that she won't have to do all that research again. It also comes with a note........

“Dear Andy,

I was glancing around and look what I found. When you get it you'll smile. I hope for awhile.”

Jane makes a total fool of herself questioning some poor guy at the diner who is only trying to eat his hamburger in peace. He's not the stalker so it was a waste of about four pages. Toby awkwardly questions some engaged guy in the theater building and makes a total fool of herself as well.

The girls are still playing drunken Nancy Drew when Andy gets another note......

“You haven't been in and I think I know why. If you don't come again I surely won't die – but I'll sigh.”

On Saturday, Jane and Toby interview fifteen boys at the library. The get suspicious of some guy in a red coat that seems to be wandering aimlessly with no purpose. Jane decides he's stealing rare books for some reason and she and Toby end up football tackling him as he tries to leave. Turns out he goes to Oakley and he was taking part in some kind of scavenger hunt. One of the clues led him to the library where he found some hidden donuts.

Eventually Jane is in the right place at the right time and she sees a boy leaving a note for Andy at Baker House. She follows him all the way back to the Greenleaf library which is not a surprise at all. She goes in and introduces herself. His name is Todd and he's liked Andy for a very long time – before she went to Montavia. He says she was different after she came back and he didn't think she'd accept if he just asked her for a date so he decided to stalk her instead.  

Jane arranges for Todd to come to the carnival and then she heads home to tell Toby she finally found the stalker.

The day of the carnival arrives and most of the snow has melted and gone. The carnival has to be canceled and Andy is in a savage mood. The other girls aren't happy either because now she and Todd can't meet. Todd suggests they all come to the festival that Greenleaf High is having on Saturday and Jane agrees to try to get Andy there to meet him.

Todd is running the booth selling sweatshirts at the festival. Ellis tells us that Andy collects sweatshirts and I love getting this TOTALLY NEW INFORMATION in the next to the last book of the fucking series. Sheesh. Andy goes to buy a sweatshirt with the Greenleaf High logo because it makes total sense she'd want a shirt from a school she doesn't go to. She's not too happy to see Todd. He persists in trying to have a civil conversation with her and finally ends up revealing himself as her stalker by quoting one of the notes.

Afterwards, Andy wanders around the empty hallways of the school for more than an hour like this is totally normal behavior on her part. Finally she goes back to the booth and asks Todd's name.

The book ends on the next day. Andy is back to normal, just like that. She doesn't apologize for a damn thing but I didn't expect her to. She's already had an early morning walk with Todd and she's well on her way to being in love.

#fuckMatt #fuckSteve #fuckRamad

We don't get a cheesy ending line but we DO find out what was in that care package that Andy never opened. Sheets. Yep. Sheets.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award:  I'm giving this to Cary.  He was helpful, sweet and funny through the entire book.  He was really there for Toby when she needed help and put up with Jane with so much grace and love.

The Bitch of Baker House Award:  Andy definitely wins this one.  I never thought I'd say this, but she is even more self-absorbed than Jane.

Coming up Next: The old girls and the new girls are reunited to be godmother's to Allison's offspring.  I'm sure hilarity will ensue.