I Went to Canby Hall and All I Got Was This Stupid Recap: 2020

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

Graduation Day (Book 17) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book. Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: Friendship doesn't end with graduation.

From the Back of the Book: For every beginning, there's an ending. Senior year at Canby Hall means lots of fun, excitement and problems. Faith has to win a scholarship to go to college, and Shelley isn't sure if she even wants to go. Dana has pressing worries on her mind, too, but the biggest worry on all three girls' minds is: What will become of their friendship? The roommates have studied hard and learned a lot during their three wonderful years at Canby Hall. Now they've got to learn the hardest lesson of all - how do you say good-bye to your best friends? And how do you accept the new girls who will be taking your place?

This book was published in 1986 and I've never read it. At the time, I was so invested in the series that I didn't want to read the book where Dana, Faith and Shelley left. I was a stupid 11-year-old okay? I had no idea that these books were trash back then. The ghostie for this book is Patricia Aks who has written a couple of previous books (Keeping Secrets and Best Friends Forever). I don't particularly like her but I don't hate her either. She has a hard task with this book. If you remember, we left off in spring of their junior year so Aks has to do more than a year in one single book. Which pretty much guarantees it's going to suck.

The cover is pretty awful. Why does Faith look so much bigger than the others? And why is Shelley so much smaller? #fuckcontinuity They're back to using the bad model for Dana and I don't think I've ever seen that model for Shelley. Is it really so hard to be consistent with these things? At least they got the color of the robes right. I thought they messed that up too but it was the Arch Day robes that were green.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Ginny and Elizabeth are still six feet under, y'all. #amomentofsilenceforGinnyandLizzie

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Sheff, Terry, Johnny and Michael all dig their way out of the ground for this book.

THIS IS IT, Y'ALL!!!!!!!!! The final book for this blog!!!!!!!!

We begin with the roommates getting back from Christmas Break. Oh. So, we're just going to skip ahead 8 whole months. Wow. That's cheaty. I guess we'll never know how junior year ended, how that internship went for Faith or how senior year began. Did they just forget to write a couple of books in there or what?

Aks starts out by reviewing all their romantic relationships for us which just highlights the number of times they've cheated on their boyfriends. It's kind of staggering really. Dana and Shelley are the biggest offenders but even Faith caught a bit of the virus a couple of times. Remember that super creepy thing with the doctor?

We only get to page 5 before Gale is mentioned. Shelley describes herself as a Cabbage Patch Doll and no one corrects her which tells me her roommates are complete bitches. Oh, wait. I already knew that. I cringe when I think of all the adolescent girls reading that Shelley is “fat” and then looking at the skinny girl on the cover to compare themselves with. These books really could have done better. The 80's were a dark time.

The girls move on to what they did on break. Or in Dana's case, who. She dated a guy named Norm who she describes as “short, fat and pimply” but fun. She says he was “ugly/adorable” and he made her understand what Casey sees in Keith. Um...that was a really bitchy thing to say. Poor Keith.

#Danacandie

They discuss their plans for the rest of the year. Faith needs a scholarship to go to the University of Rochester, Dana might defer college for a year to live in Hawaii with her Dad and Shelley wants to move to New York to launch her acting career. We've seen the future and we know some of those things happen. Once that is taken care of, they literally review the entire series for us like we haven't been reading all along. It's done super awkwardly and it doesn't even remotely sound like a real conversation that real people would have. They worry a bit about splitting up at the end of the year but decide that their “forever friendship” is unshakable.

#gag

The first day of class goes smoothly. Alison (housemother extraordinaire) gathers all of the seniors together that evening to discuss plans for Arch Day. Arch Day is a Canby tradition that takes place after finals but before graduation. A flower arch is placed on the stage of the auditorium and all the classes pass through it to symbolize moving on to the next grade. The underclassmen pass through and then return to their seats while the seniors pass through and leave the building to symbolize them moving away from Canby. Each class has to decide on the color of their robes and then prepare a reading or a song for the class to perform. The seniors are also responsible for decorating the arch itself. They pretty quickly decide on “cool green” for their robes and Dana and Terry volunteer to write the class song. Shelley volunteers to decorate the arch and the meeting is adjourned.

Time really slips through our fingers in this book. We skip ahead days, weeks, sometimes months in the blink of an eye. It makes it super hard to keep track of time. I'm just warning you all now because you're not going to have any idea what month or season it even is from here on out.

As the days pass, Faith gets more and more tense about her scholarship application. Apparently she needs a bunch of landscapes for it and that isn't her strong suit. Plus, she can't seem to get high enough to really capture anything worthwhile. She's pretty wrapped up in this since it's her only hope of going to college so she isn't really paying attention to her roommates.

Dana is waffling back and forth about going to Hawaii for a year and it's pretty stupid. She's acting like she can never go to college again if she doesn't go right now and that's just not true. She doesn't have any scholarships that will expire or any acceptances that will be revoked so there's really no issue here. Her biggest gripe seems to be that her parents aren't together anymore which was valid in book one but seems like petulance in book seventeen. She's pretty much an adult now and her father is married to a new woman and has a baby so it's time to accept that her mom and dad will never be a romantic couple again and move on.

Shelley is once again turned down for the lead role in the spring play. This time she's given the part of the lead's mother and she's stung a bit by that but happy to have the biggest supporting role. She wants to go out and celebrate but her roommates are just too busy with their own issues and Shelley immediately decides they're the most selfish people on the face of the earth for having their own lives and not putting hers first. As they leave the room, she sits down to write a bitchy letter to Paul. She calls Faith “borderline hysterical” and whines about how they don't care about her at all. Casey interrupts the letter writing to take Shelley out to celebrate (arranged by Faith and Dana since they couldn't) and Shelley just leaves the letter on her desk. I fully expected this to come back and bite her in the ass later when one of them found the letter but that never happened. It was if Aks forgot it existed.

#missedopportunity

And.....

The errand that took Dana away from Shelley's celebration was the senior song for Arch Day. She and Terry can't agree on anything. Terry wants “something really mod, something that has meaning for our generation” but Dana says that “these punk tunes have a very short life span”. How long does she expect this song, which will be sung ONCE, to last? And who the hell talks like that? Mod? Tunes? Aks really has her finger on the pulse. Pamela wanders in but really has nothing to say. It's like Aks was just told Pammy needed to be in the story so she has her drift in and out of every chapter doing absolutely nothing and saying nothing that moves the story along at all. It's bizarre.

Since they can't agree on anything, Dana and Terry go up to see Alison, thinking she can set them off in the right direction. Alison suggests they use a Gilbert and Sullivan song because that's what the kids like in 1986. They pick the Major General's Song as their basis and set off to write the words. Crises averted I guess.

This is the Major General's Song in case you aren't familiar with it. I'm a full-service blogger.

Major General's Song

Faith, meanwhile, has decided that the roof is the only place to get the shot she wants. Unfortunately, there is no roof access for students due to safety regulations. She sees a groundskeeper and asks him if she can borrow a really big ladder. When he hears what she's needing, he offers to help her because she's from room 407 and everyone MUST bow to their every whim. Even if it means they could get fired.

#allhailroom407

He takes her to a staff-only area and leads her up a staircase to the roof. She gets her pictures and asks the groundskeeper how she can repay him. He asks for a copy of the pictures because he's worked at Canby most his life and he loves the place. She agrees. Again, I expected something to come from this. Maybe PA would see the pictures and know that Faith was someplace she wasn't supposed to me. Maybe Faith would get in trouble or the poor groundskeeper would get fired. But, no. Aks forgot about this too.

#issheevenpayingattentiontowhatshe'swriting?

And.....

After Faith drops off her camera, she meets Johnny at the Tutti Frutti and they talk about how they won't be able to see each other after graduation. It depresses both of them. The days before cell phones and social media were tough, y'all. They're planning to give the whole long-distance-relationship a go but we all know how that usually plays out.

More time passes. The play is going well except for stupid Diana who has the lead can't learn her lines. Maybe it's because SHE'S NEVER FUCKING EXISTED BEFORE. It's hard to learn lines when you're just two sentences old. Shelley thinks she'll make fun of stupid Diana with Tom but Tom is pretty smitten with the other girl. This is just on-brand for Tom who falls in love with the lead of the play every damn time. Shelley is upset about it because Tom is not allowed to date anyone but her even though she's also dating Paul. She knows she and Tom won't be together past graduation because Paul is her one true love but that doesn't mean Tom can fucking talk to stupid Diana. Tom further pisses her off when he says her dream of moving to New York right away isn't very realistic and she should go to college to get more training first.

She goes home to whine to her roommates about Tom's betrayal and Faith makes the mistake of pointing out what a hypocrite Shelley is for not wanting Tom to see anyone else. Shelley does not take that well and yells that Faith can't possibly understand what it's like to lose someone important. Faith yells back that her situation with Johnny is much more tragic because they actually love each other and they're being separated by geography in a few months. Dana decides this is the best time to sing the senior song to her roommates because she's just that bad at reading a room. Of course, they don't really care because they're in the middle of a fight and Dana gets pissed that they aren't falling over themselves to praise her.

Yes, clearly these girls are the model of friendship that we should all aspire to.

Dana is upset and decides the best thing to do is invite Randy for a run. She starts to tell him about the “insufficient praise” (that's a direct quote) she got from Faith and Shelley but stops herself because she realizes how childish she's being.

I never expected that to happen. I'm a little speechless.

#araremomentofselfawareness

When Dana gets back to 407 the fight is over and everything seems fine again. It turns out that Casey had a much crappier situation to deal with and Faith and Shelley set their differences aside to comfort her. Casey's parents are going on some kind of European trip and won't be there for graduation. Her parents are truly awful. I genuinely feel bad for Casey.

We skip ahead a couple of weeks. At least. The boys of Baker House decide they want to throw a luau to help everyone shed the winter blues. I didn't know any of them had winter blues. Aks never bothered to write that part. Shelley wants to make their hula skirts and Dana volunteers to get the hay from Randy. Shelley jokes that there isn't enough hay in the state of Massachusetts to cover Gale and decides to go on a crash diet. Again. Because she's clearly learned nothing. But never fear, it doesn't happen. It's another thing that Aks just completely forgets about and it's never mentioned again.

Ten more days pass as they're constructing their outfits. Shelley works on the skirts while Faith makes paper flower for their hair and Dana choreographs a hula dance for them to perform. Aks tells us that Shelley attaches the hay to one of her cotton dirndls. First, why does she even have a dirndl and second, how would that even work as a hula skirt? This is a dirndl........

They've already said they're wearing bikini tops. Are they just going to wear them over the top of the dirndl? Do you think Aks really knows what a dirndl is?

#nofuckingway

Nearly every chapter now ends with one of them wondering what they're going to do without their friends when they leave Canby. It's repetitive and annoying and I'm over it. OVER IT.

The luau happens and naturally the 407 girls are the “most smashing of all”. Everyone admires them and tells them how awesome they are for simply existing. Michael is there serving faux poi and it's nice to see him alive. I was starting to wonder about him. Pamela arrives in a slinky black dress to do her typical wander in, say one thing and wander out routine. Why can't Aks actually write Pammy? It's not that fucking hard.

It's now March 15^th. I'm not sure how that happened. Time really flies in Massachusetts. The girls keep bragging that they're an unbeatable team but they're picking stupid fights with each other over the most minor things. It all boils down to them each thinking that the other two can't possibly understand their problems and don't care enough about them. This book has been the biggest waste of time ever.

Faith ends up getting into the University of Rochester but she only gets a partial scholarship. She's devastated because this means she'll either have to go to a cheaper school instead or she'll have to take night classes at Rochester while she works full time during the day. She tells us that Dana and Shelley can't possibly understand this issue because neither of them need scholarships. Um.......when did Dana and Shelley become rich? Shelley's parents live on a fucking farm and own a drugstore or something and Dana's mom is a single parent. Are you telling me that these two girls have enough money to attend college without scholarships or loans? How does that make sense?

Dana is still struggling with her Hawaii dilemma and it's put her in a perpetual bad mood. At one point Maggie (who apparently now goes to Canby) borrows a green jogging suit without asking and Dana goes apoplectic. She yells at Shelley who clearly didn't #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes and storms out of the room. It turns out Maggie borrowed the jogging suit because she and her roommates are going to a party dressed as vegetables. Wow. Those Canby girls party like maniacs. Dana feels stupid for getting so angry about it and admits to Maggie that she's all torn up about her parent's divorce which happened years before this series even started.

Maggie tells Dana that she's overreacting to everything which is the truest statement ever made. Dana whines some more and Maggie tells her that this is all very much a first world problem. Waa waa Dana gets to live in paradise for a year and then go to college after. Let's all play a tiny violin for her. Honestly, if Maggie wasn't related to the life ruiner, I would love her.

Suddenly it's April. I didn't even skip stuff. We went from jogging suit rage to an entirely new month. The 407 girls have pretty much stopped talking to each other entirely but no one else has noticed. Pamela drifts in one evening to borrow a book of poetry for Dana and so far that's been her most significant scene in the entire book.

Then we hop to the end of April. I'm getting motion sick from all this shooting through time and space. The girls are avoiding each other and Alison finally notices something is amiss. She tells them all that they're being extremely childish and she can't believe they've learned absolutely nothing about friendship and conflict resolution in three years.

Me either, Alison. Me either.

She finally convinces the girls to have a one-on-one chat with her up in her room. Dana pouts that she doesn't get to go first because she is the most special. Each girl basically tells Alison that the other two don't care enough about her problems. They're all so self-absorbed it makes my head hurt. Fucking hell. Especially Dana who doesn't even have a real problem at all.

Naturally Alison works her housemother magic and soon they are all best friends forever again. Dana decides to live in Hawaii for a year, Shelley decides to go to the University of Iowa to take acting classes before trying her hand at New York (which is exactly what Tom told her to do by the way) and Faith decides to take out loans to go to Rochester. Alison is proud of them and says that they've “enriched one another's lives” and they are “the perfect example of what we should look for in matching roommates.”

Um....has she even read these books?????????????????????

Then we get this: “their friendship not only helped them endure any personal ordeal, but was a source of joy”.

#gag

The next chapter starts with Aks telling us there's just six weeks left of school. The play goes on and Shelley is lauded as the best actress that ever attended Canby Hall. The newspaper even writes about her, praising her skill. This is beyond unbelievable. My disbelief won't suspend this much, Aks. It just won't.

Then we skip to the last week of May. The gang (407, Casey, boys) decide to have a party to celebrate the end of finals. They start out in the boys' room with Alison chaperoning. After awhile they decide to walk around campus and reminisce about how wonderful Canby is. Casey suggests a movie and then they walk around Greenleaf a bit. Shelley tells the others that she's so hungry she could faint so they decide to go to Pizza Pete's. Sheff and Terry goof on her by picking her up between them and carrying her along. She orders them to put her down and they deposit her in a bush. Then we get this:

“A small crowd had gathered and was fascinated by the scenerio.

'Almost as good as a movie!' one person commented.

'Better,' said another.

'This is real-life drama,' said a third.”

Seriously???? Because two guys dropped a girl in a bush?

#bullshit #r/thathappened #everyoneclapped

By the time they finish their pizza, it's already getting late. They know by the time they make it back to campus, they will have already missed curfew. Instead of going back immediately and explaining to Alison why they are ten minutes late, they decide to go to Tutti Frutti instead. It seems like a really stupid decision to me when they are so close to graduation but whatevs. Casey knows a way to sneak back into the building – climb a fire escape to the top floor bathroom window which doesn't lock and is always open – so they all feel invincible.

Naturally when they get back to 407, Pamela is in there. She says she came to return the book of poetry and became concerned when no one was there. She waited around for awhile to see if they were just in the bathroom or something but it quickly became clear that they weren't on the floor at all. She was worried something bad might have happened so she reported it to Alison. Dana is pissed and makes a crack about how ridiculous it would be to assume one of them was kidnapped and I would like to remind her of book #2. The whole series tries very hard to pretend it never existed but it did. It's a thing that happened.

Pamela says that Alison went looking for the girls and discovered that Casey, Sheff, Terry and Keith were all gone as well so they're all busted. She smugly leaves the room and the girls freak out that they might not be allowed to graduate.

Alison comes in pissed and marches all them over to PA's house. PA was clearly in bed and she's wearing a robe with her hair down. They're all stunned to see her hair because it's always pulled up in a french twist. PA expresses her disappointment and tells them that she would be justified in taking graduation ceremonies or Arch Day celebrations away from them because of the number of rules they violated. In the end, however, she says they've suffered enough and she doesn't punish them at all.

What?

In what universe would that happen?

Now it's Arch Day. Dana dedicates the senior song to PA to repay her for her kindness. The song gets a standing ovation because the entire auditorium knows it's supposed to shove its nose directly up 407's ass.

Then we skip to the day before graduation. The girls are packing up their room and trying not to cry when there's a knock at the door.

IT'S JANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's there to scope out the room so she can tell what improvements she'll need to make next year when she moves in. The girls are appalled that their room isn't being retired and that Alison is going to allow anyone else to live there.

We immediately skip to graduation. Everyone says goodbye to each other. Dana is sad to leave Randy. Shelley feels nothing about leaving Tom and decides she's over him. Faith is devastated to leave Johnny. The girls cry, hug and go their separate ways. As they're leaving, Dana says there will never be friends like them again and I'm not so sure that's a bad thing really.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: Looking at the series as a whole.....I'm going to give this to Casey. I feel like Casey was one of the better characters throughout this series and I loved her romance with Keith. It was sweet.

The Bitch of Baker House Award: Again, looking at the series as a whole......I'm going to go with Shelley. She was the most self-absorbed of any of them and was constantly whining that she wasn't getting enough attention and forbidding Tom to date anyone else while she dated Paul. She's definitely my least favorite character of the entire series and that's saying a lot since the life-ruiner is standing right there.

And that's it!!!!!!!!! We survived Canby Hall!!!!!!!!! I didn't think the end would ever come.

Coming up Next: We move into Sweet Valley. I won't be recapping the entire series because it's hundreds of books long but I'll do what I have.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Three of a Kind (Book 16) by "Emily Chase"

Tag Line: Who said three is a crowd?

From the Back of the Book: Who is the real Mac McAllister? Dana is in love...again, with Mac, a gorgeous boy in town. Shelley and Faith are happy for Dana, at least at first, but there's something a little odd about Mac. Why doesn't he ever remember Dana's friends after he meets them? Why does he forget where he and Dana are supposed to go on a date? Is he just very absent-minded? One night, when Faith and Shelley see Mac with Pamela, when he's supposed to be with Dana, they start to wonder. Mac seems to be a boy with a secret, and the roommates want to find out what it is. When they do, Dana is in for the biggest surprise of her life.

((((Um....Faith and Shelley never caught Mac with Pamela.)))

This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. The ghostie for this book was Barbara B. Hiller. We've encountered this one before. She also ghosted for Friends Times Three and Here Comes the Bridesmaid in the Andy/Jane/Toby series. I'm pretty sure we've come across her in the other blog too but I might be making that up.

The cover of this book presents the girls in their true form – stupid clowns. They should be forced to walk around like that all the time so everyone would know to stay away from them. My only real comment about the artwork is that the makeup looks really poorly done. Then again, Shelley is doing it so that might not be a mistake on the artist's part.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). Faith is dating Johnny the future police officer from town and Shelley is still stringing along her hometown boyfriend Paul while dating Tom at the same time. Dana is....complicated. I think she and Randy are just being friends right now but who the hell knows? In the last book, the entirety of Baker House (with the exception of Pamela) agreed to tell the truth for 48 hours. Our girls were originally smug about it and then discovered that they lie a lot more than they thought. PA suffered a minor medical emergency and the cafeteria decided to start serving pizza. It was riveting.

Missing, Presumed Dead: There was a massive massacre in this book y'all. Sheff, Terry, Michael, Johnny, Tom, Ginny and Elizabeth are all absent from these pages. I fear Shelley finally lost it and went on a rampage. At least the tulips are well fertilized.

Risen from the Tulip Bed: Everyone was present and accounted for last book so there were no zombies to resurrect.

We begin with Faith in the darkroom printing photographs. It's spring and she is thinking about the summer internship with a newspaper in Washington DC that she wants to apply for. She needs to submit a portfolio soon to be considered and she's trying to get everything just perfect. On her way back to Baker House she runs into Pamela. Pamela seems more friendly than usual and tells Faith that she's madly in love. Faith thinks to herself that it's a miracle that anyone could love Pamela but doesn't spare anymore brain power toward it even though Pamela never named her boo.

Faith gets back to 407 in time for the ghostie to remind us that Gale is still firmly attached to Shelley. Why are they all so obsessed with Gale? Are they trying to make Shelley more relatable? Because it isn't working. As a bonus, ghostie tells us that Shelley's face needs some work too and that's just savage.

Faith tells them about the summer internship and then asks if someone will go to town with her tomorrow to pick out a portfolio to put the pictures in. Shelley has a biology lab and Dana has apparently agreed to babysit for her Latin teacher's son, Lester. Welcome to the series, Lester. Don't get comfortable. I'm sure you'll be choking on dirt and worms soon.

The next day, Dana is bitten by spring fever. She decides she needs to do something outdoors with the 💫magical💫 boy she's been stringing along. She calls Randy to ask if he wants to do something after she finishes babysitting Lester but he tells her he's too busy. She notices how distracted and apathetic he sounds and she's a little butthurt about it. She actually tells us that she can't imagine that he has anything to do that's more important than her.

#Danacandie

I seriously hope Randy isn't the one Pamela is in love with. That would suck. He deserves better.

Dana is still fuming as she goes to Mr James' house to babysit Lester. They have a dog named Tuff chained to a tree in the front yard and he keeps getting all tangled up. At one point he gets the chain wrapped around his neck and all of his struggles just make it worse. Dana can't get close enough to free him because he's agitated and snapping at her. She finally waves down a neighbor who is out mowing his grass.

Neighbor, naturally is gorgeous. He has a “soft, reassuring voice” that soothes both Dana and the poor dog. He's able to get the chain from around the dog's neck and then introduces himself as Mac McAllister. Which clearly isn't his real first name. Maybe she should ask him for his real first name. She invites him in for snacks and they flirt a lot. He eventually gets her digits and leaves.

We skip ahead two days and Shelley and Faith are already very tired of hearing about Mac because Dana cannot shut up about him. Faith is still ensconced in her photography portfolio for the internship and can't spare many fucks for Dana's newest victim. Shelley also has a project on her mind – making their costumes for the upcoming “costume dance”. Seriously??? Costume dance? What a stupid name. And why a costume dance in the spring? None of this makes sense, Hiller. Anyway, Shelley wants them to be clowns which just seems extremely fitting to me. I approve.

Dana and Shelley walk to town to look at fabric and makeup for the costumes. They are also going to check out Friedland's (((??? never heard of it in my life))) to see if there are any portfolios in stock that Faith might be able to use. On their way, they run into Pamela. She asks what they're up to and when she hears the part about Friedland's, she gets super cagey. (((Maybe it's because it never existed before today???))) She tells them she was just there and the place is a wreck because they are understaffed. When this doesn't seem to deter them, she claims there's a gas leak in the neighborhood and it's dangerous. Clearly she doesn't want the two of them to go to Friedland's. They are super suspicious but forget about it two seconds later.

They complete their first two errands and then head for Friedland's. To their surprise, Mac is there looking at some kind of clamp. He doesn't seem to recognize Dana but quickly plays it off. Dana decides that he was just distracted by his errands and doesn't find it weird. She also doesn't connect the Pamela thing with Mac's presence in the store which is just an idiot move.

Faith, meanwhile, is still sorting pictures for her application. One of the categories is “portrait” so she asks Allison to model for it. For some reason the super helpful housemother extraordinaire turns her down and suggests that Faith take a picture of PA instead. Faith is a little intimidated to even approach the head bitch in charge with a request like that but Allison really encourages her to think about it. We never really find out why Allison wouldn't help. I'm guessing she's in the witness protection program. She was probably the mistress of a mafia don and now the feds are keeping her hidden so she can help bring him down once and for all.

#thingsIwishweretrue

Faith also needs a “human interest” photo. Shelley suggests the drama club but Faith wants something that's not related to the school since so many of her photographs revolve around Canby. Dana says Faith should get some shots of Lester. She's pretty sure Mr James would agree to trade photos of Lester for free babysitting. Faith figures this is as good an idea as any and books the gig.

Dana has volunteered to babysit for Lester again herself hoping to run into Mac. He's not outside when she gets there and she's super disappointed. Not too long after her arrival, however, his mom sends him over to borrow eggs and flour for something she's baking. They flirt a bit more and Mac asks her on a date the next night.

We skip to the next night. Mac takes Dan to the Hamburger Shop which has literally not existed in Greenleaf EVER. What is going on with ghostie just inserting all these new places into a town we've spent 16 books in? Not only have these two places never existed before, they never exist again. Were they just pop ups that disappeared overnight or what?

#fuckcontinuity

After dinner, where they have a riveting discussion about the Yankees vs the Red Sox, Dana suggests they go bowling. A fun time is had by all. When bowling finishes, Mac suggests they go to Pizza Pete's. Um.......they JUST ate at the hamburger place. Either they were bowling for a fucking long time or they're going to eat dinner twice???? Pay attention to your story, Hiller.

#itsnotthathard #that'swhatshesaid

Pamela is at Pizza Pete's and she's instantly upset when she sees Dana with Mac. It's pretty evident to anyone reading with an IQ over 3 that Mac is the boy that Pamela is madly in love with. Mac, however, seems to disagree since he acts like he has no clue who Pamela even is. Pamela marches right up and says that she expected better of him and he's hella confused.

I'm sure you guys guessed this from reading the back blurb already but Mac is definitely an identical twin. Hiller doesn't tell us that. She's assuming that we're fucking idiots. But it's SO OBVIOUS.

Dana and Mac leave right after Pamela because they already ate hamburgers and weren't hungry for pizza in the first place. He drives her back to campus and they kiss goodnight. He asks her on a second date and she says she wants to see The Pride of the Yankees. I guess it's playing at that retro theater in town that definitely does exist.

We skip ahead a day or two. Faith is making Shelley and Dana crazy with all her requests to look over her photographs. She's constantly asking them to help her pick a photo for a particular category and then arguing with them about their choices because she knows better. If she knows better, why is she asking them at all??? She has her photos spread all over the room which is annoying Shelley who is trying to sew their costumes. Faith even demands that Shelley clear off her own bed for more photos which pisses Shelley off royally. Faith is angry that her roommates aren't more enthusiastic about helping her and angry that they aren't making her project their priority.

Dana tells the girls about running into Pamela at Pizza Pete's and Shelley is the only one to put together the fact that “Mac” is obviously dating Pamela too. It's a sad, sad day when Shelley is the brains of the group, y'all. Dana ignores this and makes excuses because she's in 💖LOVE💖. Again. Sigh.

The next weekend, “Mac” arrives for their date only he doesn't seem to remember where they're going. He also doesn't remember their exceedingly riveting conversation about the Yankees vs the Red Sox. Dana just assumes he's been busy with school because Dana is a massive fucking spoon. They barely get seated in the theater when “Mac” excuses himself. Dana assumes he's going to the bathroom but he doesn't come back for 25 minutes. He says there was a long line for popcorn which makes no sense because they already had their popcorn. Why would he need to buy more?

Back at the dorm later, Shelley tells Dana that she and Faith saw “Mac” downtown during the time period that he was supposed to be at the movie with Dana. She immediately makes an excuse saying that the theater must have been out of popcorn so “Mac” must have driven to the Soda Shoppe to get some more. In what universe does this make ANY sense. I didn't realize Dana was this stupid. This is a new low.

The next day, Pamela announces to Dana that “Mac” called her and asked her out for Wednesday. Dana just chooses not to believe this because Pamela is a lying liar who lies.

Faith goes to Lester's house to take photographs. She gets some great ones of him on the swing but the McAllister's laundry line is in the background of the shots which makes them unusable. She has to make arrangements to reshoot them. Shelley looks at the pictures and notices that there's two of every article of clothing. She proposes that “Mac” might actually be twins and Dana finally has an epiphany. Again, when Shelley is the only one to have a clue, the world is in trouble.

Dana decides to test the theory when “Mac” calls next. She feeds him a bunch of lies about things he said and did on their last date and he doesn't contradict any of them. She's crushed when she realizes that Shelley's theory is probably true. The girls come up with a plan to get revenge on “Mac” and I'm sure it will involve stupid costumes because all their “Amazing Plans” involve stupid costumes. Does anyone remember when they dressed up as gorillas to get back at Bret who has been under the tulips so fucking long he must be dust by now? Or when Dana dressed up like Chewbacca or something to apologize to Terry who is currently residing right beside Bret under the ground?

On Saturday, “Mac” arrives to take Dana to the symphony and she tells us that he is clearly “thunderstruck” by her beauty. “She was a naturally beautiful and graceful girl, but the addition of a smashing outfit, including the elegant silver of the fox fur and the residual glow from her run, made Dana even more striking than usual.” Um.....doesn't “residual glow from her run” mean she's all sweaty? How does that make her more beautiful than usual?

The fox fur is on loan from Casey, by the way. I hope PETA doesn't catch wind of it.

As soon as he picks her up, “Mac” says that he forgot the tickets on his dresser and he has to go back to his house for them. This is so dumb. Why bother picking her up only to switch immediately after? There's really no reason for this other than they're being dicks.

Dana sets their plan into action. She mentions to “Mac” that Pamela is still obsessed with him and that she'll be going to the costume dance as a clown. Dana knows that Pamela isn't going at all so she's not worried about Pamela ruining their #brilliant plan. Which includes pretending to be Pamela apparently. Dana lies and tells him that she won't be able to go to the dance at all, knowing he'll feel safe to go be with Pamela and know he won't be caught by Dana.

A week passes. Shelley has the costumes finished and Faith has mailed off her application so things are wrapped up on everything but “Mac”. Keith has done some detective work and discovered that “Mac” is definitely a set of identical twins named Harold and Malcolm. They go by Hal and Mal. I'm glad Keith isn't under the ground. I was starting to worry.

The 407 girls all dress up as clowns, using make-up, wigs and gloves to look identical. You know, except for the fact that Dana is so much taller and Shelley is so much chubbier. I guess those costumes are magic. They go to the dance separately because they're all pretending to be Pamela. Dana finds a “Mac” dressed as a magician and asks him to dance. She's speaking in whispers, pretending to have a cold, so “Mac” won't be suspicious that Pamela's voice is different tonight. Meanwhile, Shelley finds the other “Mac” and flirts him out onto the terrace, also in whispers. Casey appears on the terrace dressed as a painter and accidentally swipes “Mac” with paint, marking his cape. Now they can tell the twins apart even though this really doesn't prove necessary or relevant at any point in the evening.

From here on, it's just a bunch of idiotic changing of places on everyone's part. The “Mac”s change places. The clowns change places. It's stupid and meaningless. I guess they are aiming to make the boys feel stupid but I really think just confronting them would have been much more effective, less stupid and a lot easier. Dana, Faith and Shelley continuously meet in the bathroom to congratulate each other on their cleverness too which is just dumb. I bet both boys think “Pamela” has some sort of intestinal problem.

Dana eventually goes home, cleans off the make up and changes out of the costume. She goes to Pamela's room and asks her to come to the cafeteria so they can talk things out. For some reason, Pamela agrees to this. I think she thought Dana was just going to give up and she wanted to gloat about it. Shelley and Faith lead both “Mac”s to the cafeteria as well and there's a big reveal that stuns poor Pamela so much she almost faints.

The “Mac”s realize they've been caught but they don't seem to recognize that they've done anything wrong. They think it's hilarious and actually laugh at how they tricked both Dana and Pamela. It's really disgusting. No apology is offered and Dana just eventually leaves the cafeteria entirely. Later they congratulate each other on their success but what did they succeed at really? Neither Hal nor Mal were bothered at all by their little charade. The only one they truly upset was Pamela because they didn't bother to clue her in beforehand in private so she wouldn't be so gobsmacked by the entire thing. She was actually innocent in this and I feel bad for her embarrassment. What revenge did Dana get exactly? I'm confused.

The book ends by telling us that Faith got her internship because of course she did.

#allhailroom407

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I'm giving this to Pamela because the 407 girls humiliated her in a cafeteria full of people for absolutely no reason whatsoever. She was being nice to them all book long and they're just bitches.

The Bitch of Baker House: This goes to Faith for being so fucking self-absorbed and assuming her project meant as much to everyone as it meant to her. No one cares, Faith. No one.

Coming up Next: We've reached the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somehow graduation day is approaching even though this book ended in the spring of their junior year. Either the series just ignored that we all KNOW they're in their junior year and they're trying to pretend they're in their senior year or we're just going to skip ahead an entire year. Stay tuned to find out which.

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

To Tell the Truth (Book 15) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.***

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a complete bitch in this book. Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: Who said being honest was easy?

From the Back of the Book: Telling the truth is easy as pie, right? Wrong! At least that's what Shelley, Faith and Dana begin to discover when they take part in a 48 hour "Truth Pledge" as part of a psychology research experiment. Although it may be the best policy, honesty isn't always easy. Will a simple experiment lead to heartbreak, fights and real trouble for the roommates?

This book was published in 1985 and I've definitely read it before. When I first read the series as a ten-year-old, this book was my favorite. I can't remember why it was my favorite back then but I do know I only kept 2 or 3 of them and this was one. Don't worry that this will be like a Joan Lowry Nixon or Christopher Pike recap though. I'm sure I'll hate it when I read it as an adult.

The ghostie for this book was Eileen Hehl. She wrote one other book in the series – Troublemaker in the new girl series. I think that was the book where they introduced Penny but I can't really remember. (((Nope. It was the one where they introduced GiGi and Laura Lee. #amomentofsilenceforLauraLee))) Since I can't remember which book that was, I have no idea whether to be optimistic for this one or not. She wrote a bunch of teen romance novels in the 80's so I'm a little hopeful and I do know I liked this book once upon a time. Then again, I also liked that Cusick monstrosity with the triplets in the old castle so you can't trust my past-self judgment.

The cover of this book has always been one of my favorites. I think it sums up the girls really well. Shelley is oblivious, Dana is mocking and Faith is judging. The room isn't even remotely right. If you remember, awhile back there was a major plot point of them painting the room completely black and putting their mattresses on the floor so there's no way their beds are that high and that wall looks taupe. So the artist really should have been given some kind of spec sheet but whatevs. I like how this series doesn't play favorites as hard as the new girls series did. I will say that this scene didn't happen ANYWHERE in this book, so there's that.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). Faith is back to dating Johnny the future police officer from town and Shelley is still stringing along her hometown boyfriend Paul but Tom has exited the picture for now. (((Or has he????))) Dana is justifiably forever alone. (((Or is she???))) In the last book, the girls took a volunteer position at the local hospital and Faith fell hard for an intern who was at least 10 years older than her. Unfortunately, he did not dissuade her and it all felt very creepy and nasty. The school voted 'no' on uniforms and Dana struggled with the news that she might have to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes next year. Shelley was passed over for the lead in the school play and then Tom fell for his new co-star Elizabeth. Shelley and Tom broke up but things didn't work out with Elizabeth so I'm sure they'll be back together soon.

Missing, Presumed Dead: I think everyone was present and accounted for in this one. All the major peeps anyway.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Michael and Randy both dig their way out of the netherworld for this one.

We start out in room 407 where ghostie slaps us right across the face with a review of all the girls' traits. She mentions Dana's 'sophistication' (I hope you could sense my air quotes around that) and Shelley's naivete but, honest to God, the only personality trait she could come up with for Faith was her afro. That's.....that's not good. That's not good at all. The girls are getting ready to go up to Alison's 'penthouse' room to meet her cousin. Before we leave page 3, Gale makes her first appearance as Shelley tells us that her face is “mildly round” and she still has too many pounds around her hips.

It's sad when Shelley's 15 extra pounds is the most consistent thing in these books.

They meet up with Casey along the way and walk together up to Alison's room. There's a sign on the door that reads: “Beauty is truth, and truth beauty....or, abandon all hope ye who enter here.” Dana, ever the scholar, tells them it's a mixed up quote from Keats and Dante's Inferno. They walk in and find the entire dorm is already there. In Alison's room. The entire dorm is somehow in her room. Fucking hell, ghostie, this doesn't make sense at all. You can't fit an entire dorm full of people into one fucking room.

Alison introduces her cousin Maura who is an undergrad at the nearby university. Maura is doing an experiment to gather data for a psychology paper and she needs some teenaged volunteers. To participate in the study, they have to promise to tell the truth, no matter the circumstance, for 48 straight hours. The study will run from Friday morning to Sunday morning. At the end, Maura will come interview them about their experience.

The 407 girls all think smugly to themselves.....and then out loud to the group....that being honest for 48 hours will be no problem because they are exceptionally honest people. I'm honestly surprised the entire room didn't go up in flames from all the lightning bolts that must have hit them at that point. I've never encountered three more dishonest characters in my reading life. Pamela, treasure that she is, immediately calls them out on it and says if they're honest people, she's Princess Diana.

Everyone but Pamela agrees to sign up, though Casey is a little reluctant. Casey has a feeling that bad things will come from this truth pledge but the others pretty much scoff at her for having concerns. In the end, she agrees to sign up because she knows if she doesn't, people will think she's some kind of lying liar who lies.

We skip ahead to Friday and the beginning of the truth pledge. The 407 girls are still feeling super smug about their levels of honesty and Shelley makes a sweeping statement about how their friendship is so magical that My Little Ponies spring from their assholes and they can withstand any amount of truth telling. She then challenges Dana and Faith to tell her something they don't like about her because she's a fucking idiot. Dana and Faith are understandably reluctant but Shelley decides this is the hill she intends to die on and she insists.

Finally Faith gives in and says that it bugs her that Shelley always forgets to buy shampoo and then uses theirs. Dana rapidly says this is the thing that bugs her too and they consider the whole thing done. Shelley instantly gets defensive and says that Dana and Faith eat all her goodies from home so that makes them even. Because the goodies Shelley receives for FREE from her mom and dad are completely equal to the shampoo that Faith and Dana have to PAY to replace. Whatevs, Shelley. Dana tells them to stop being so stupid. After all, she never complains when they borrow her expensive perfume.

Well, this is starting out bangers.

Truth Pledge 1. Room 407 girls 0.

We go to Creative Writing class with Dana and Terry next. Terry reads a science fiction short story aloud to the class and then everyone gives him feedback. Several people compare his work to Ray Bradbury and Dana, literary genius that she is, has NO fucking idea who that is or what constitutes a good SciFi story but she decides that Terry's story is just “a downer”. He asks her what she thinks about it and she tries to get out of giving her opinion but the teacher insists because critique is part of the class grade. Dana finally declares that his story made her want to throw herself under a truck and he counters with the fact that she knows nothing of the genre and should maybe educate herself before she speaks about it. Which......is a valid point. She could have just said that she isn't familiar with the genre but found his story dark or something like that. Dark is still diplomatic and some people would even see it as a compliment. Saying it made you want to throw yourself under a truck is super harsh. Terry is upset and Dana is upset that he's upset.

Truth Pledge 2. Room 407 girls 0.

We skip over to Sheff and Faith after science class. She asks him how the truth pledge is going and he says he isn't finding it too problematic because he doesn't tell many lies. She pounces on this and tells him it's “shocking” that he's admitting to telling some lies. He laughs at her and says everyone tells some lies. She replies in a “prissy tone” that she does NOT, thankyouverymuch. He gives up and asks her out to dinner which she refuses because she has a date with Johnny. As he walks away, she admits to herself that she's still torn between the two of them even though she's said over and over that she loses herself when she's with Sheff because she's too busy pretending to be someone she's not. #fuckcontinuity

The girls meet up for lunch and run into Pamela who looks like she's up to no good. She's standing with the head cook Mrs Merriweather who we've never been introduced to before and will probably never see again after this little plot device wraps. I hope you like tulips, Mrs Merriweather. Pamela has told the sweet elderly lady that the 407 pals have formed a committee to improve the school meals and she is very eager to hear what they have to say. The girls are in a panic because they don't want to hurt the nice old lady's feelings but they are bound by the pledge to tell the truth. They tell her that they haven't finished gathering data yet, hoping to put her off until at least Monday but she insists that they meet the next day instead.

When they get into the cafeteria, Keith pulls Dana aside and asks to speak to her privately. It turns out Casey's birthday is the next week and he's wanting to take her somewhere fancy for dinner but he doesn't want her to be ashamed of the geeky way he dresses. He wants Dana to help him pick out a new outfit because she's so “stylish”. She agrees and agrees to keep it a secret so Casey will be surprised. I'm sure this won't come back to bite her in the ass or anything.

We skip ahead to that afternoon. Shelley is struck by spring fever and decides to take a walk in the gardens around PA's house. Apparently the tulip garden is doing EXTREMELY well this year. I wonder what they use for fertilizer? ::coughRANDYcough:: ::coughMICHAELcough:: As she's walking, she hears a weak call for help and finds PA laying on the ground in the garden. PA is having chest pains and wants to go to the hospital in Greenleaf but she doesn't want the entire school to find out. She asks Shelley to drive her and to keep it all a secret. PA ends up getting admitted. She again tells Shelley that she can tell no one about this and then instructs Shelley to take the car back to her house and park it in the garage. She tells Shelley to hang onto the keys so she can come get PA when she's released. Again.....I'm sure this won't come back to bite her in the ass or anything.

We skip ahead to that evening. The girls all have dates and........here is where my head explodes, y'all. Tom is downstairs waiting for Shelley like the ghostie was never told they broke up last book but that isn't the most egregious sin. RANDY IS DOWNSTAIRS WAITING FOR DANA!!! WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK??? THEY PARTED WAYS BOOKS AGO AND THERE'S NO WAY HE'D BE THERE. Ghostie describes him as Dana's “special friend” and says they have a “warm friendship”. BULL FUCKING SHIT. SHE BROKE HIS FUCKING HEART AND HE DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER!!!!!!!

Of course, Keith is waiting for Casey and Johnny is waiting for Faith but both of those are okay.

Shelley still isn't back from her adventure with PA but none of them know about that so they're all a little worried that she hasn't shown up for this weird quadruple-date thing. They all decide to wait for her except Casey and Keith. Casey says they'll go ahead because she needs to talk to him about something. Dana assumes Casey has heard about their little conversation in the cafeteria and she wants to grill Keith about it.

Pamela rocks up and informs Johnny, Randy and Tom about the truth pledge. The girls were really hoping to keep that to themselves. Johnny immediately snags the opportunity and asks to speak to Faith outside. When they get out there, he asks if she has feelings for Sheff. Faith can't seem to figure out how to answer the question honestly which should make her realize that she's not as truthful as she thinks she is. She finally says that she's “dazzled” by Johnny's sophistication and that she likes the idea that he intends to be a musician when he grows up. She thinks they would relate to each other because they're both creative and admits that she's still concerned that Johnny wants to be a police officer since her own father was killed in the line of duty. Johnny is a little hurt by this and decides to just go home instead of going out for ice cream.

Truth Pledge 3. Room 407 girls 0.

Ginny suddenly runs up which is startling because I'd completely forgotten she existed. Was she under the tulips or have I just been ignoring her? She yells at them all to follow her and then she leads them over to PA's house where Shelley is parking PA's car. Shelley, naturally, can't tell anyone why she was driving the car alone at night and everyone assumes she was up to something nefarious. Pamela threatens to turn her in and Dana wonders if Shelley will be arrested along with being expelled. Shelley is pretty unconcerned.

Pamela goes to tattle to Alison who calls Shelley up to the penthouse to get to the bottom of the situation. Shelley tells Alison that she can't reveal why she was driving PA's car and asks Alison to trust her. Alison is dismayed and tells Shelley she's ground to Baker House until PA can be reached. Shelley protests that she has a “real special date” with Tom the next night but Alison is unmoved.

Truth Pledge 4. Room 407 girls 0.

We skip to the next day. Casey and Keith are playing frisbee on the lawn because they're bored like that. Casey sees the school handyman carrying a chainsaw toward the maple tree that grows under her window. She asks him what he's doing and he says that PA ordered him to cut it down because the branches were in the electrical lines. Casey is furious that anyone would cut down “one of her special friends” and now suddenly I'm very worried about Casey's mental state. She and the handyman get into a screaming match about it and Casey throws her arms around the tree declaring that he'll have to chainsaw her in half too. He's pretty flummoxed and goes off to find PA.

By that afternoon, several other girls have joined Casey's cause. Ginny says they'll chain themselves to the tree if they have to but the handyman just seems perplexed at this point. Shelley, meanwhile, is being super dramatic and martyrish about her grounding of course. It's super annoying but she kind of has a point this time. PA has put her in an awful position and now she's missing out on her entire weekend when all she did was help out in an emergency. It's kind of stupid. When Tom finds out Shelley can't go to the play they have tickets for, he says he'll invite Elizabeth and I'm impressed her hole in the tulip bed hasn't been dug yet.

Dana goes over to the library where she is literally stunned to hear that they have a whole Sci-Fi section. She just assumed that since she wasn't interested in it, that it must not be very popular. I wish I was making this up but the book literally says this. She goes to the section and browses some of the short story collections and finds many stories similar to the one Terry wrote. She admits to herself that she made a mistake and her solution for solving it is to dress up like Chewbacca and go stand outside Terry's room. When he comes out, she apologizes.

Why did she need a Chewbacca costume for that?

Couldn't she just apologize as an actual person?

This is the stupid thing I've ever read.

Terry accepts her apology and offers one himself for being childish about the entire thing. I mean.....he didn't dress up like Chewbacca or anything so I don't think Dana can accept it. Stupid costumes are obviously mandatory for accepting apologies and I think Dana should hold out until Terry whips his hair into some Princes Leia buns.

Later that evening at dinner, Mrs Merryweather approaches to get their opinion on her food. They start out by trying to phrase everything in a truthful but deceptive way – like telling her that no one else makes chicken like she does. She's pleased by what she interprets as praise and says that she will go on as she's been doing since they think the food is fine. This prompts Shelley to tell the entire truth about how they really feel about the food but then she softens it by saying that she thinks Mrs Merryweather does the best she can with the budget she has and the amount of people she has to cook for. Mrs Merryweather decides to do some kind of poll to determine what kinds of things the student body might like to eat. Crises averted I guess and that plot point gets wrapped up in a neat bow.

Truth Pledge 4. Room 407 girls 1.

Back at the maple tree, Alison appears to shut down the protest. She confronts Casey with the rumor that Casey uses the tree to sneak out of her room after hours. Apparently Pamela has ratted her out. Forced by the truth pledge, Casey admits that she has used the tree to sneak out. When the other girls hear this, they abandon the cause. Alison orders Casey to cease the protest because it's for selfish reasons or something but then assures Casey that she'll tell the handyman to wait until they can talk to PA and see if there's another solution. Casey ends up grounded for sneaking out.

Truth Pledge 5. Room 407 girls (and Casey) 1.

Dana and Keith head to Greenleaf for their little shopping expedition. Dana gets him all fixed up with a nice suit and then he asks her to pick out a sweater for herself as a thank you for helping him. She also helps him pick out a red silk blouse for Casey's birthday present which just seems like such a weird present for a sixteen-year-old boy to give to his girlfriend. Ghostie is a bit out of touch here. Naturally, Pamela sees them at the store because we need some more conflict here. Somehow she gets back to campus before Keith and Dana and tells Casey all about their little 'date'.

When Dana returns, Casey confronts her about going out with Keith. Dana can't lie but she can't spill Keith's secret either. She admits they went to town and when Casey asks if Keith bought Dana a sweater, Dana admits that too. Casey is enraged. She throws a huge fit where she threatens to throw herself off a cliff (nice one, ghostie) and then she runs off to her room. Dana goes down to get Keith so he can straighten everything up right away. He does and that gets all tied up with a nice bow too.

I feel like the Truth Pledge won one and then promptly lost one in that skirmish.

Truth Pledge 6. Room 407 girls 2.

The book is 90% done and we're on Chapter 17 or something and guess who shows up? MICHAEL!!! He obviously dug his way to the surface in order to stop by and see if anyone is having any major issues with the truth pledge. They tell him about their issues with Terry, Casey and Johnny. He asks about Shelley's issue but Shelley refuses to talk. He mentions that he has to go visit a friend in the hospital and Shelley has a very visible reaction to that. She asks him what floor his friend is on and he says the second floor which is where PA is. Michael had no idea that PA was in the hospital but Shelley's reactions cause him to wonder if the hospital has something to do with why she was driving PA's car. Oblivious to all this, Faith asks him if he will deliver a letter to Johnny in town. She's decided writing is better than calling because she organizes her thoughts better on paper.

Acting on his hunch, Michael inquires at the front desk about PA's room number which he is given. He goes up to see her and, after assuring her that Shelley kept her secret and he just figured it out on his own, he tells PA about all the trouble Shelley is in. PA asks for a phone so she can straighten everything out. Also, in case you were wondering, she's fine. She didn't actually have a heart attack and all her other tests were negative so I'm not even sure why she's still there.

PA clears everything up and Shelley is ungrounded. Alison praises her for keeping her head in a crises and for keeping her word afterwards even though it meant some sacrifice. Shelley calls Tom and finds out he hasn't asked Elizabeth to the play yet so he can take Shelley after all. I'm not sure why she wants to go since 1) they broke up LAST BOOK and 2) as soon as she was grounded, he said he was going to out with the girl he broke up with Shelley for in the first place. I'd tell him to fuck right off but that's just me.

Truth Pledge 6. Room 407 girls 3.

Johnny receives the note which Faith poured her heart into. She said that she gets dazzled from time to time by Sheff but ultimately knows that Sheff is self-absorbed while Johnny has always had Faith's feelings in mind. She tells Johnny that he owns her heart and she's sorry if she hurt him. He ends up sending her a big bouquet of multi-colored daisies and that's all tied up with a bow too.

Truth Pledge 6. Room 407 girls 4.

When the girls get back from dinner, Alison gives them the official verdict on the maple tree. The tree will be left standing but the branches will be severely trimmed. Also, the branches near Casey's window will also be removed so she can no longer sneak out. By the way, ghostie never bothers to tell us how Pamela knew about Casey sneaking out. I guess we're just supposed to accept that it happened and not ask questions.

I HAVE QUESTIONS!!!!!

How the hell did Shelley and Tom get back together?
Why is Randy all chummy with Dana again?
How the hell did Pamela know about Casey sneaking out?
How did Michael breathe under the ground for that fucking long?
WHY DID I LIKE THIS BOOK????????????????????????????

There was another few pages about Casey getting back at Pamela by somehow misdirecting her boyfriend (WHO WE'VE NEVER FUCKING HEARD OF IN OUR LIVES) so he couldn't come visit Pamela. It was supposed to be their “big revenge” but it was just childish and stupid as usual.

The book ends with Maura coming back to get the results of the experiment. The 407 girls admit that they aren't as honest as they thought they were but that's okay because sometimes lying actually makes them better people. That's what they learned apparently. Sigh.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: Keith. Let's face it, it could pretty much always be Keith. He's definitely the most underappreciated member of the cast.

The Bitch of Baker House Award: I can't give it to our queen Pamela so I'm going to hand it to PA. She never should have put a young girl in the situation she did and she definitely should have anticipated that it might get said young girl in some trouble. It was a major dick move on her part.

Coming up next: Dana gets a new boyfriend. Yay.