What's a Girl to Do (Book 14) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: When things get tough...

From the Back of the Book: What are best friends for?  Shelley, Faith and Dana volunteer to work at the local hospital.  It's a big responsibility but each of the roommates is worried about something else - Shelley with the upcoming spring play tryouts; Faith with the possibility of a new romance; and Dana with the news of a new student at Canby Hall who might not be so welcome.  With all these problems, will the girls remember to turn to each other, not on each other?

***I'm going to be up front with y'all.  I'm half asleep as I post this.  It's probably full of errors.  Just pretend they don't exist.  You know, like the dust bunnies under your bed.***

This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. The ghostie for this book is Julie Garwood which is definitely a name you would recognize if you read historical romance novels in the late 80's. I'm pretty sure my grandma had a few of her books and I know I've read at least one. So I'm hoping the writing will be much better in this book. Don't let me down, Garwood. I'm counting on you.

The cover is okay. It makes Dana look much thicker than Shelley so maybe Gale has found a new host. Also, I'm glad Shelley is in a hospital because she's clearly been in some kind of freakish accident that completely obliterated her neck.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). This is the part where I usually mention their boyfriends but after the last book, Shelley may be the only one still actively dating (Tom from town, not her one-true-love Paul back home). In the last book, three boys (Keith, Sheff and Terry) were admitted into Canby on a trial basis. Dana immediately fell for Terry and broke up with the 💫magical💫 Randy in order to facilitate her new romance. The only problem was that Terry had a girlfriend back home and was completely and hilariously uninterested in Dana. Faith also had a crises as she fell for Sheff but then she realized that she had to change pretty much everything about herself in order for him to be attracted to her. Her boyfriend, Johnny found out and broke it off with her but the end of the book made it sound like they might have a chance at getting back together. Also, Casey started dating Keith and they are sweet and cute together.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Michael the guidance counselor and Randy were not even mentioned in passing in this book.  I fear they are well and truly dead now.

Risen From the Tulip Bed:  Ginny was mentioned, but not seen.  So maybe she's just half out of the tulip bed?  Like she's just a head sticking up out of the ground/

We begin with Faith and Casey early on a Sunday morning. Faith has been out in the snow trying to take pictures of any hint of spring she can find. Casey is up early to hit the sign up sheets in the Admin building. Apparently one of the social studies teachers does a thing every year where his students can sign up for 6 weeks of community service instead of taking the final. The sign ups are first come, first served so students like to get there early so they don't get stuck with a crap job for 6 weeks. Casey is waiting on Keith in the lobby so they can sign up together and work the same place.

Faith isn't sure she even wants to sign up. She has so much to do with her school work and her work as a photographer for the paper that she thinks just taking the final instead might be the better idea. Casey tells her that there's a reason this little “pet project” gets 100% participation from the students – the final is hellishly hard. I have no idea how she knows this. If 100% of the students participate every single year, that means no one ever takes the final and therefore no one could know how hard it was. But she manages to scare Faith enough that Faith decides to go up to 407 and wake up her roommates so they can go sign up together.

It takes them more than half an hour to get their asses in gear. As they walk over, they pass Casey and Keith who are heading back. Keith tells them that most of the spots are already gone. When they get there, the only two assignments that have enough room for all three of them are the hospital and the local vet office. They decide that they'd be more comfortable with the hospital so that's what they sign up for. It's not the most time consuming assignment – from eight to noon on Saturday mornings.

As they walk back toward the cafeteria for breakfast, the B-Plot emerges. The spring play is coming up and Shelley is convinced that she is definitely going to get the lead. Her roommates aren't so sure and worried that she'll be disappointed.

Ghostie gives us three pages of review about the girls and their families at this point. I'm going to skip recapping it because we know it all already.

Later that night, Dana's mother calls. She tells Dana that her little sister Maggie will be coming to Canby the next year, clearly expecting Dana to be excited at the idea of having to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes but Dana has the opposite reaction. She's angry and upset at the idea of having Maggie on campus with her. She immediately thinks to herself that she's going to have to do something to stop it from happening because there's no way her sister can be in the same school as her. It would ruin everything.

#Danacandie

I thought this was just a throw-away conversation but the way Dana continues to obsess over it makes me think we might actually have our first ever C-Plot. Weird. After a book or two where barely anything happened, this one is really throwing things at us. Maybe it's because they finally have a ghostie who can handle multiple storylines at once.

Shelley, meanwhile, is having fantasies about the auditions for the spring play. She's certain she'll do such an amazing job that she'll get a standing ovation (at an AUDITION) and Tom will hand her a dozen roses “in appreciation for her magnificent performance”. She doesn't even know what play they're doing yet but she's sure she and Tom will get the leading roles. I forgot that Canby uses Greenleaf and Oakley students to play the male roles in their plays.

Okay, y'all, we've just been hit with a D-plot and I'm flummoxed. This has never ever happened before and I don't know how I feel about it. Apparently some of the parents have requested that Canby adopt school uniforms. I'm actually surprised this wasn't a thing before since boarding schools usually do this. Or at least television shows and movies about boarding schools have led me to believe that they usually do this. Apparently PA (head bitch in charge) is going to pick out three different uniform styles. Each dorm will nominate one girl to test out the uniform and that unlucky girl will be forced to wear the uniform for a month. I have NO idea why this would be necessary. At the end of the month, everyone will decide which uniform they like the best. Casey suggests they nominate Pamela for the “honor” of wearing the uniform for a month and the other two practically rub their hands together in glee at the thought.

Chapter three brings us a few paragraphs of Dana fretting about Maggie and the C-plot👭 while simultaneously talking to Faith about the D-plot💂 uniforms until Shelley walks up blathering about the B-plot💬 play. It's a lot in just a few paragraphs but it's handled so well that I barely bat an eye. The play is called “Spring Fancy” and it's a rom com. There's one song in the opening act because apparently we need some kind of plot device here to throw an obstacle in Shelley's way. Shelley can't sing for ish but she doesn't let that deter her. She assures her roommates that she has the lead “sewn up” despite the pesky song.

The girls of Baker House gather in the lounge to discuss the D-plot💂 some more and vote for the girl that they want to be stuck in the uniform for a month. Pamela does not attend this meeting. Everyone except Terry and Keith vote for Pamela to wear the uniform. Terry and Keith vote for Sheff to be stuck in the skirt and knee socks or whatever it will be. Alison (housemother extraordinaire) asks one of the girls to track down Pamela and bring her to the lounge so she can learn her fate. Pamela goes full-Karen on everyone, screaming that she'll get Alison fired and then stomps off to speak to the manager or something.

With the D-plot💂 handled for now, the girls go back to discussing the C-plot👭. Shelley, who loves and misses her family, can't understand why Dana doesn't want Maggie around so Dana tries to explain it. She tells Shelley that she's always been responsible for looking out for Maggie and she's had to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes for her entire life. She's enjoyed being at Canby where the only person she's responsible for is herself. I get that. I felt the same way when I first went to college and I didn't have to look after my sister anymore. Shelley doesn't get this at all and calls Dana selfish. The two of them argue until Faith puts a stop to it. She tells Shelley that Dana has the right to her own feelings and just because they aren't the same as Shelley's doesn't make them wrong. Then she tells Dana to stop worrying about something that might not even happen.

Suddenly it's Friday and Shelley is getting ready for her date with Tom by writing a letter to her boyfriend-back-home Paul. Interesting preparatory methods she has. She casually mentions to Dana that her skirt feels tight in the waist so I guess Gale is back even though Shelley looks smaller than Dana on the cover. Shelley decides that she and Tom can mail the letter to Paul on their way to dinner and this seems like an appropriate thing to her. She muses that having two boyfriends is perfect for her because it means she doesn't have to choose which one likes her best. Paul is also seeing other people but Tom is faithful to Shelley. She says it's because he'd never want to date anyone else because the two of them are so perfect together. Then why do YOU need to date someone else?

#Shelleyisinsufferable

Faith has a date with Johnny. This book doesn't waste any time telling us how they managed to patch their relationship back together or anything because #fuckcontinuity. It doesn't even bother to mention that they broke up in the last book. There was a brief mention of Faith having a short crush on Sheff but nothing about how that caused her to cheat on her boyfriend. I guess we're just ignoring that happened. Dana is also catching a movie with Terry who definitely has a girlfriend back home that probably wouldn't appreciate him hanging around with a girl who tried to get into his pants a book ago.

We make to to chapter five before the A-plot😷 reemerges. It's finally Saturday morning and the girls have to get up at 6:00 to get ready in time and walk to the hospital in Greenleaf. Terry has also signed up to volunteer at the hospital and he walks with them, keeping them company on the chilly morning. When they get to the hospital, the coordinator (a patient advocate) gives them their assignments. Terry will be in x-ray and occasionally pediatrics. Shelley will be working the “gift cart” whatever that is. Dana will be helping out the dietitian and Faith will be helping the coordinator herself.

Mrs D (the coordinator) takes Faith to her office to store her purse and coat and then hands her a lab coat to wear so she'll look more professional. Then they head out to see their first patient. He's complaining that he didn't get enough breakfast so, instead of calling down to the kitchen or whatever, Mrs D sends Faith on foot to get him another tray. A “tall black man” in a lab coat gets on the elevator with her and Faith instantly gets a tongue boner and can't talk because he's so gorgeous. He says his name is Frank and he's working an ER rotation which means he's at LEAST ten years older than Faith who is very, very underage. I really hope we never see him again because this feels very scummy to me.

Faith manages to get through the rest of her day without committing any felonies. (((Note from not so future me: I looked up whether statutory was a felony or misdemeanor in Massachusetts because I'm a full-service blogger like that. In the actual statute it says: “Statutory rape (defined as sexual activity with a person too young to consent legally by the way) of any person under 18 who is “of chaste life” is also a felony offense.” So it's only a felony if the victim is a virgin at the time? What if he/she/they isn't? Then is it a misdemeanor or a free pass? I couldn't find a quick answer and I just got bored so we may never know.))) She meets back up with Dana who tells her that Shelley will be meeting them in the cafeteria for lunch. They go to tell Terry and find him in the process of taking a young patient back from x-ray to the ER. When Faith hears this, she immediately offers to go with him because she's hoping to find Dr Statutory....I mean Frank....again.

She and Terry run into Frank and Terry is filled with questions about medical school and ER things. He invites Frank to eat with them and Faith is thrilled but also a little upset because she wants all of Frank's attention for herself. They all catch up over lunch and compare details about their assignments while waiting for Frank to join them (he had to “wrap an ankle” first). Shelley basically sold juice, magazines and candy bars from a little cart as an extension of the gift shop. Dana was totally brainwashed by the dietitian and starta telling them all how horribly they eat and how she's going to “balance their diets” for them. Sounds charming. Frank finally arrives and, again, Faith is irritated that she can't have him all to herself. Terry monopolizes the conversation with more shop talk because I guess maybe he's thinking about going pre-med in college.

They all go back to Canby and resurrect the B-plot💬 for us as Shelley tries super hard to learn how to sing. There's a little improvement with practice but she's still pretty awful. Auditions come and sure enough, a girl named Elizabeth gets the part Shelley was sure was hers. Shelley is forced to be Elizabeth's understudy which probably means she didn't get any other part either. So much for having it sewn up. Shelley immediately bursts into tears right in front of the rest of the people auditioning and then runs out forcing Tom to run after her. Professional.

A few days pass and Dana is extremely fed up with Shelley's constant crying. Faith is trying to be a little more understanding but even she thinks it's been excessive. Apparently Shelley finds being an understudy to a freshman to be highly humiliating. One afternoon, Faith steers them away from the B-plot💬 to remind them that the C-plot👭 exists. Shelley immediately comes down hard on Dana telling her how ridiculous it is that Dana's upset about Maggie coming to Canby and that she should be old enough to handle her disappointment in a mature way.

#hypocritethynameisShelley

#potmeetkettle

Dana fucking loses it. She yells that Shelley definitely isn't handling her disappointment in a mature way since all she's done is cry like a baby. Shelley yells that it's different because the play is the most important thing in the world to her. Dana counters with the fact her independence is the most important thing in the world to her and it will be threatened if she has to spend a year looking after Maggie. Shelley doesn't budge, insisting that she's right to be upset but Dana isn't and Dana ends up storming out of the room.

We skip ahead to Friday. Faith tells us that she's the only level-headed, responsible, clear-thinking member of 407 which isn't sanctimonious at all. \\sarcasm font// Then, just to prove her fucking wrong, she gets a phone call from Frank. He says he remembered she was a photographer and he wondered if she'd be willing to take some photos of him at the hospital after her volunteer shift. He says his mother wants them. Baby's first stethoscope and all. Faith agrees and gets all starry eyed and butterfly-ish about it. He tells her that he'll take her to dinner for payment which is just incredibly stupid of a man in his position to do. Unless he's planning to also bring his mother. Or wife. Or Faith's mother.  ANYONE.  This is just ridiculous.

Johnny arrives to take Faith on a date and she finds herself confused during the evening because she can't possibly “feel warm and excited about two men at once”. First of all, sweetie, Johnny is still a boy. Second of all, you're apparently forgetting the last book when you felt all “warm and excited” about Sheff and Johnny at the same time.

#fuckcontinuity

This is why you shouldn't have different authors for every book.  There's no continuity at all.  It's frustrating.

Faith and Johnny end up at Pizza Pete's because of course they do. Faith sees Tom and Elizabeth sharing a booth together and immediately gets suspicious. See, it's okay for Shelley, Faith and Dana to have two boyfriends at once but their boyfriends can only date them. Tom doesn't see them because he only has eyes for Elizabeth. They're holding hands all through their dinner and when they leave he puts his arm around her. Faith is shocked and upset.

When she gets back to the dorm, she tells Dana instead of Shelley. Dana begs her to wait one more day before saying anything because Shelley just now stopped crying about the play. Dana doesn't want her to start again over Tom. She figures everyone needs one night of peace. Meanwhile, Tom has told Shelley that they need to talk the next day too. So I'm guessing Saturday isn't going to be a good day for our drama llama.

The next morning comes and Shelley is in a disturbingly good mood. The way she switches from the highest highs to the lowest lows so quickly is a little concerning to be honest. Volunteering goes pretty uneventfully for the girls. Terry, however is worried that something might be wrong with his eyes after he helps out a little boy who just had eye surgery. Last week he thought he might have tonsillitis despite the fact he had no tonsils. I think Terry might have some Mystery Diagnosis Syndrome going on here. You know, like when you watch the show and then imagine that you have every disease that's depicted? He's picking up every disease he hears about while volunteering.

Faith takes Frank's pictures. She's planning to make two sets and keep one of them like some kind of creeper. She doesn't tell him this, of course. He repeats his offer to pay her with dinner out and they settle on the next Saturday evening. She'll have his pictures developed by then and can deliver them.

Faith finally clues Shelley in to the Tom/Elizabeth situation and Shelley reacts just as you think she would – sobbing, dramatic wailing and crying out to the heavens that Tom could never love anyone but her. It's exhausting to read and I have no idea how Faith was even able to walk home after that. Shelley gets back to Canby and immediately calls Tom. She tells him that she wants to talk to him and he says he'll come over in about an hour and they'll go for a walk.

Before Shelley can say anything on their walk, Tom admits that he went out with Elizabeth the night before and that he's going out with her again that night. He says he still cares for Shelley but Elizabeth is sweet and nice and different. Clearly even Tom knows that Shelley is none of those things. She gets pissed and says that they agreed not to date other people. You know, other than Paul. And Randy. And that guy on the beach in Ft Lauderdale. And.....I can't even keep track anymore. Tom says that he still wants to see Shelley, he just wants to see Elizabeth too. Like Shelley's doing with him and Paul. But she isn't into that and just goes stomping off.

We skip ahead to Monday and find ourselves revisiting the D-plot💂. Pamela is forced to wear the first uniform choice and she's madder than a wet hen about it. I can't blame her. It's a brown and white pleated skirt, a long-sleeved white blouse and a brown vest. It sounds super hideous. I keep picturing different variations of what a brown and white pleated skirt might look like and none of them are good. Pamela is miserable and the little masochists of 407 enjoy it immensely because they're all about getting off on other people's pain.

After that, we go back to our C-plot👭. Dana finally goes to talk to Alison (housemother extraordinaire) about the Maggie situation. Alison suggests calling Maggie and inviting her up to Canby for a weekend. Then she and Dana can talk about Dana's concerns and come up with some solutions maybe. Dana thinks this is brilliant and then heads back to 407 to lay down the law.

She informs her roommates that things are going to change around here. Shelley in particular needs to “change her attitude” and start acting happy no matter how she feels. Shelley reasonably points out that Dana has no right to tell her what to do and that she should be able to feel whatever she's feeling when she's in her own dorm room. Dana pretty much tells her she's wrong. Dana can tell her what to do because she “cares about her” and Shelley is just going to have to accept that no one in that room gives a damn about her real feelings. They want her to just act fine so they don't have to recognize the fact that she isn't fine. Super helpful. \\sarcasm font//

#Danacandie

The week passes and Shelley is completely miserable but doing what Dana demanded and pretending to be fine. It's eating her up inside because that's what happens when you suppress your true feelings like that. Shelley is going to get an ulcer and it will be all Dana's fault. At play practice Friday evening, Elizabeth throws a little diva tantrum and stomps off the stage. I'm sure ghostie isn't setting up a situation where Elizabeth will get replaced because of her attitude or anything.

#sigh

Tom comes up to Shelley after practice and asks her if she wants to go out that evening. Shelley says no because she knows she's Tom's second choice and that doesn't make her very happy. Then she gets home and yells at Dana that she doesn't get to boss her around anymore. She's going to feel how she feels and eat what she wants to eat and Dana can just go suck a dick. It's pretty satisfying to be honest. I live for seeing Dana get put in her place. Dana, of course, believes she did nothing wrong and Shelley is just being her usual dramatic self. For some reason, Faith backs up Dana. It's weird.

They go to volunteer again and Terry loses a patient – like physically can't find him – but nothing else interesting happens. As they're leaving, Frank tells Faith he'll pick her up at 7:00 and Dana gets super excited about Faith's date with the doctor. Why do none of them recognize that this is weird????? She dresses in a white wool dress that she thinks makes her look older and sophisticated but just sounds really itchy to me.

Frank picks her up and takes her to a restaurant that Faith has never noticed in the tiny town of Greenleaf. Somehow. She shows him the photographs at dinner and he compliments her way too much. He tells her if he had a sister he would want her to be just like Faith. She blurts out that she'd rather be his girlfriend than his sister and he doesn't immediately react. Then he says that he's too old for her but she can look him up in 10 years and then maybe it will happen. This still feels creepy to me.

After dinner, they go to the Tutti Frutti for ice cream and naturally Johnny walks in and sees them. He leaves without a single word and Faith is upset. She gets distracted, though, by the huge fight going on between Elizabeth and Tom in the back booth. She decides not to intervene since Tom dumped Shelley and all. He can just take it. Terry shows up with another bizarre ailment (his arches are falling) and then Johnny reappears. Faith brings him over to the table to meet Frank and she explains how he took her out to dinner to repay her for taking some photographs for him. Johnny is relieved and says “it wasn't a date?” to which Frank replies “not yet”. He repeats that in 10 years he and Faith will probably smash each others brains out and it's just pretty disturbing.

On the drive back to Canby, Frank asks Faith if she has a crush on him and when she says yes, he rubs her leg or something. Again. DISTURBING. He tells her to be sure to look him up in 10 years and then he drops her off.

On Monday the D-plot💂 is all wrapped up. The student body unanimously votes 'no' on having uniforms and that's that despite the fact that the trial period was supposed to last a month and it's only been two weeks.

On Friday, the C-plot👭 shows up at the dorms for the weekend. I know it feels abrupt, like I left a bunch of stuff out but I didn't. It literally skips from them voting 'no' on uniforms to Maggie arriving five days later. She'll be sleeping in Casey's room apparently since Casey has a single so they take all her bags there. Then Terry shows up to take her to a soccer game but Dana and Shelley are tagging along so it's not a date or anything. They have a fun evening.

We don't get to see Saturday at all. In fact, we skip right to Sunday evening because there are only a few pages left and ghostie has ish to do. Dana talks to Maggie about the plans to come to Canby and Maggie shocks her by saying she isn't sure she wants to come. She likes not having Dana around because Dana is “too bossy”. Yes, it actually said that. I love Maggie. Dana says she promises not to interfere in Maggie's life if she does come to Canby and Maggie pretty much calls #bullshit on that before I can. She tells Dana that she can't stop interfering in people's lives and I couldn't agree with her more. But I guess that wraps up the C-plot👭.

The B-plot💬 is next. The opening night for the spring play arrives and Elizabeth is refusing to go on. Tom grabs Shelley and tells her to get ready to take Elizabeth's place. Unfortunately, Shelley's been so busy moping about not getting the part that she never actually bothered to learn the play. She doesn't know a single line. So instead she gives Elizabeth a huge pep talk and basically slaps her up and sends her out onto the stage. Elizabeth does a great job and the play is well received. Thus concludes our B-plot💬.

I guess our A-plot😷 is concluded as well. It's weird because they only went three times that I know of but suddenly they're done? I guess? The book just ends without mentioning it so I really don't know. It's funny, for a book that was ostensibly about them volunteering, there was very little volunteering involved. Not that I'm complaining. There was a lot going on in this book and I'd like to argue that it was a little too much. Despite that, it felt like not much happened. Tom and Shelley broke up. Faith acted like an idiot. Dana and Maggie pretty much agreed that Dana's too bossy and they decided not to wear uniforms. I mean, that's pretty much it and it only took a few sentences to say.

I miss Randy😭.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I'm giving this to Terry.  He was hilarious in this book with all his weird "ailments" and losing patients all over the hospital.  

The Bitch of Baker House Award:  I'm going to give this to Dana.  She was hella annoying in this book.

Coming Up Next:  The girls of 407 sign a pledge to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Here Come the Boys (Book 13) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: Will Canby Hall ever be the same?

From the Back of the Book: They're letting boys into Canby Hall!  Dana, Faith and Shelley are in for a shock.  Canby Hall has gone co-ed!  Only three boys arrive, but who would have thought they could turn a girls' school upside down?  Having boys on campus brings new fun, new romances - and new problems.  And when the roommates' old boyfriends become jealous and want to get revenge, the girls start to wonder.  Are the problems outweighing the fun?

I know I'm not the goddess of grammar or anything but there's a pretty glaring error in that book blurb and it's making my eye twitch.  I kind of want to fix it so you all won't think I fucked up and did it myself.  But.....I'll just let it sit there.

Sigh.

This book was published in 1985 and I read it back then but I don't remember anything about it at all. The ghostie for this book is a very familiar "face" – Carol White. She wrote Something Old, Something New in the Toby/Jane/Andy series and Roommates, Summer Blues and Four is a Crowd in the Dana/Faith/Shelley series. Pretty sure most of those sucked.  So do with that what you will.

The cover isn't bad. Has Dana always been that tall? I feel like she's extra tall this time. But otherwise it's an okay cover. The model for Shelley looks a lot like a very young Meg Ryan.

Or maybe she looks like a very young, blonde Courteney Cox.

I'll leave this one up to you to decide.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For now, Dana is dating the magically delicious Randy, Faith is seeing wannabe-cop Johnny and Shelley is dating Tom from Greenleaf High while on a break from her one-true-love Paul. In the last book, Shelley continued her unhealthy view of food and body image as the trio prepared for a winter break trip to Ft Lauderdale. A new girl named Nicole arrived from France and immediately started flirting with all the guys while making the 407 girls' life miserable. It turned out she was actually from Kansas but, of course, all was forgiven and she decided to leave Canby for good in order to avoid being buried under the tulips with Mary Beth, Ginny and Ellie. Oh, and Dana and Shelley cheated on their boyfriends AGAIN. Or at least, they would have if they hadn't gotten stood up.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Michael the semi-creepy guidance counselor was gone from this book.  He wasn't even mentioned.  Ginny also seems to be Thanos-snapped out of existence for this book.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Ellie and Mary Beth have clawed their way back to the surface.  Neither had any dialog but they were both mentioned once in the book.

This book picks up directly after the last one with our intrepid trio arriving back in Boston from Florida. It's snowing which is just the end of the fucking world. Gale is already mentioned on page two and I really hope that she won't be taking over the entire book again.  (((Note from Future Me: She's only mentioned this one time.)))  Dana spends all her time being gloomy because her stepmother Eve is pregnant and Dana thinks this means she won't get all the attention from her father anymore. I guess she's forgotten about her sister. It's a shame because someone really should #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes.

When they get back to the dorm they see piles of stuff in the hall as if someone is moving in. There are basketball shoes and boxing gloves so they automatically assume that the new residents are male. I mean, they're right, but that's just really small minded of them. Plenty of girls like to play basketball and box.

They decide to track down Casey for the inside information since she returned a day earlier for some inexplicable reason. Casey tells them that three boys have been admitted on a trial basis to see if it makes sense for Canby to become coed. It's an effort to supplement the money the girls raised a few books ago so Canby can become more financially viable. Casey says that one is “gorgeous.....and black”. They all immediately look to Faith because clearly one of the white girls can't date him. Not in Massachusetts.

Faith reminds them that she has a boyfriend and she isn't as inclined to cheat as the other two. Anyway, Boy 2 is “kind of cute” with brown wavy hair and Boy 3 is “Nerd city. Mr Science.” which naturally makes him completely undateable. She says they've been put in the old maid quarters in the basement.

Faith, out of the clear fucking blue, comes up to Casey and starts running her fingers through her hair. She asks Casey if she's “had a whole bunch of these hairs cut off” which is just the strangest terminology I've ever heard for asking someone if they've had a haircut. Casey said her mom took her to have it done. I guess she left the class trip early to meet her mom at Palm Beach which is news to me since in the last book her parents were touring Europe or something. #fuckcontinuity Shelley says it looks like “feathers all over your head” and makes some crack about how she'd only get her hair cut like that if she was trying to impress a boy. Casey says she's not into guys but I don't think that means what we wish it meant.

That entire conversation was completely out of place and I can only imagine it was ghostie's clumsy attempt at foreshadowing a romance between Casey and one of the guys.

On Sunday mornings the girls of Baker House all gather in the lounge to have an impromptu brunch or something. They usually do this in their pajamas or robes complete with hair curlers and face masks. Apparently Casey was the ONLY resident of the entire dorm that noticed the arrival of three boys (#BULLSHIT) and the 407 girls were the only ones she told. So they are all dressed and ready to watch the rest of their housemates – their supposed friends mind you – get humiliated when they arrive for the brunch in their jammies. Pamela in particular is embarrassed to be seen in her green mud pack. I maintain that someone like Pamela would NEVER go out in public in a mud pack. Boys or no boys.

Oh, and Ellie is topside again. She showed up in footie pajamas with a back flap and a pair of goose slippers. Nice to see you out of the tulips, Ellie.

The 407 girls decide it's their civic duty to introduce the guys to how wonderful they are. The nerdy boy is Keith, the black guy is Sheff and the generic brunette is Terry. Keith is there because his parents think he's too studious and they want him to find a girl. This seems like an odd reason but whatever. Terry is there because his family recently moved from Tucson and this was the only “good school” accepting students for the spring term. He didn't even know it was an all-girls school until a few days ago. Sheff is there because his parents think he's too involved with his trumpet and jazz music and needs the discipline of a boarding school.

Already Dana is flirting pretty hardcore with Terry and Faith seems to be trying to suck Sheff into her orbit.

I guess that leaves Keith for Casey.

It turns out that Terry likes to write stories and this prompts Dana to fantasize about the two of them married and living in some cabin or something. They'll each have their own rooms to write in and they'll live a remarkably romantic life where Terry will worship the very ground Dana walks on for the rest of her life. They share a writing class together and Dana is determined to impress him with her superior poetry.

Hey, Mary Beth showed up in writing class! Nice to see you alive, zombie girl.

Ghostie spends a few paragraphs briefing us on how the boyfriends are handling the new development..........

Tom isn't super thrilled about the addition to Canby Hall. He rightfully assumes that Shelley might be persuaded to cheat on him with one of her new housemates. I mean, she's cheated on him before so this isn't super unreasonable of him. She assures him that he has nothing to worry about but we all know that's just because one of them didn't happen to catch her eye. If one did, she would have dropped Tom like a hot potato in a heartbeat.

Randy calls, a little hurt that Dana never called him when she got back from her trip. He doesn't even know that boys have moved into Canby because he doesn't go to school in Greenleaf anymore. He asks her to have dinner with him but she says she needs to write a poem. He tells her she can surely take a break for dinner and she starts yelling at him about how he doesn't take her art seriously and she “won't have it” and then she hangs up on him.

#runRandyrun

Johnny seems pretty chill about the whole thing. He's confident that the girl he chose to give his heart to will take good care of it.

#pressFinthechatforJohnny'sheart

As the days go by, Dana falls pretty hard for Terry. She's sure he's madly in love with her too. After all, he constantly shows her the short stories he's writing so she can critique them and he always sits with her and the other girls at dinner. Surely this means true love. He rarely talks about his family but sometimes mentions someone named Chris who Dana is sure is his best friend.

This is the wrong blog but........

Odds that Chris is a girl: 75%

Dana is still stringing poor 💫magical💫 Randy along by the way. She isn't humane enough to tell him that she's pretty sure she's going to marry Terry and have lots of writer babies. She and Randy have kind of put things back together since their “phone fight” which was mostly just Dana being a bitch as usual. One evening she's headed out to his ranch to have dinner with his family when she runs into Casey and Keith having some kind of conversation together. Naturally Dana assumes this means they're banging each other because a boy and a girl can't have a conversation for any other reason.

That Sunday is the annual pancake festival. They make pancakes out on a grill in the grove which just sounds like an exceptionally bad place to grill. The girls can invite friends or family from town and we're told that the 407 girls invite the men in their lives. But then we're also told that they have clean-up duty after everyone eats and the boys still aren't there. So did they just invite them to come AFTER the pancakes? I think the boys got shafted here. As usual. Faith and Dana are a little worried about Johnny and Randy showing up. Both think that their boyfriends will know immediately that they have crushes on the new boys.

Johnny and Tom come wearing football cleats for some reason I don't really understand. They wouldn't have had practice because it's a Sunday morning and no public high school has football practices on Sunday.  But even if they did, why would they walk all the way from Greenleaf in cleats? No one would do that. Randy arrives on horseback. The Canby girls are all pretty swoony over this and Dana is intensely proud of how sexy he is but then Terry calls him a “goober” and makes fun of him and she abruptly becomes embarrassed of Randy. She tells Terry that Randy is “just some guy from town” that she doesn't really know very well.

#Danacandie

Before Dana is caught in her lie by Randy coming up to her, PA (head bitch in charge) makes an announcement that all the Canby girls need to get ready for the Spring Pageant. Apparently they have to sing songs, do dances or perform skits about the coming of Spring while wearing horrible old costumes from the drama department. Dana dresses in tulip dress and sings with the choir. Faith wears a duck costume and wanders around the stage while they sing. Shelley wears a costume made of scarves and recites poetry. Sheff plays his trumpet.

After the performance, Randy asks Dana if she wants to go for a ride with him. His entire family has colds and he's been busting his ass trying to take care of all of them and he needs a little break. For Randy, break=horseback. Dana has a “date” to go over writing assignments with Terry so she naturally lies to Randy and tells him she's going into town with Faith to get her hair cut. Then Terry walks up. The three of them make small talk for a super short amount of time and then Terry says he's going to change out of his woodpecker costume but he'll meet Dana in the lounge in a few minutes. Randy knows the score from here and he just gets on his horse and rides away.

#saveRandy

Sheff is sitting all alone as everyone else is chatting with their guests.  As soon as Johnny and Tom start playing catch with a football they brought for some inexplicable reason, Faith goes over to make sure Sheff's okay.  He tells her she's lucky she has a boyfriend. If she didn't he would make a play for her and she'd be so over-the-moon in love with him that it would ruin her life. Faith is sort of simultaneously turned on and repulsed by this.

Casey and Keith are spotted holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other. So there's that. I'm actually pretty happy for her. Keith seems like a nice guy – the best of the bunch – and Casey deserves some attention that isn't toxic.

We're back in 407 and the B-plot has emerged......and it's a can. A mystery can with no label on it. Faith bought it from the grocery store as a lark. They were apparently selling an entire cart of unlabeled cans for dirt cheap and she couldn't resist the mystery of it. Ghostie devotes PAGES to the girls trying to guess what might be in the can. Can anyone say #paddingthepagecount?

Dana tells Faith that Randy is getting sick of being constantly cheated on. She seems to feel like this is a character flaw of Randy's. Apparently he should be so in love with Dana that he doesn't mind that she's a little “fickle”. Yes, that's actually how she described herself. She says that all teenage girls are fickle though, so it should just be okay. She admits that she's going to shoot her shot with Terry and make a “big play” for him and that the right thing to do would be to break up with Randy first. But in the next breath she says she isn't going to do that because he's “sweet and steady” and she likes having him in her back pocket when she crashes and burns with the guys she actually likes.

#Danacandie

Dana's “big play” is a poem. I'll just put it here.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I'd like to go.

For a pizza with you.

Yep, folks. This is our resident poet. Canby Hall is an amazing school, y'all. It produces amazing talent like Dana.

Dana waits all day for writing class to get Terry's response. She's practically foaming at the mouth by the end of the day. But he doesn't say anything in class and he dashes off right after, saying he's going to be the new assistant coach of the soccer team and he has practice. She reasons that he didn't go to his mailbox yet and hasn't received the note, but when she goes back to Baker House to check his slot, it's empty.

She toys around with the theory that his mail might have been stolen but decides that's “lunatic thinking”. Sigh. She finally decides that he's merely shy and didn't want to profess his love to her in a crowded classroom. So she figures the best course of action is to wait in the lobby and pounce on him as soon as he returns from practice. When he does, he's surrounded by girls from the team and Dana is sad knowing his shyness won't allow him to fall prostate at her feet and declare his undying devotion. As he passes her, he waves, winks and says a cheeky “loved the poem” with a laugh. #ouch She's devastated and I honestly enjoyed that VERY much.

Faith lies to Johnny that night saying she has a sore throat and can't go out with him. In reality she's going to the Oakley/Canby mixer hoping to meet Sheff. I really thought she got her vaccine against cheater fever but apparently the only thing keeping her from cheating was the lack of African-American boys on the premises. She's sure Johnny won't show up there because he's working at the movie theater that night (they were going to go out after) and because he goes to Greenleaf High, not Oakley Prep. She's less sure that Sheff will actually be there but that doesn't stop her from going.

Odds Johnny will inexplicably show up at the mixer: 75%

Faith gets there and sees Sheff pretty much immediately. So she pretends not to notice him and spends half the night ignoring him. He eventually calls her on it and asks her dance. As they dance, he tells her that they have the same “soul prints” and he wants to get to know her better. They decide to go for a walk. Tom sees all this happening and immediately goes to a payphone to call Johnny. Shelley tries to stop him but he insists it's bro code and Johnny deserves to know what his girlfriend is doing. Shelley in incensed that he would do something to sabotage one of the illustrious 407 girls.

#allhailroom407

Outside, Sheff tells Faith that smells are like sound to him and the woods "smell like a clarinet riff". Faith doesn't understand what the fuck he's talking about but she swoons anyway, thinking he's heckin' cool. Sheff suggests they sneak away some night, hitchhike into Boston and go to some nightclubs and Faith finds herself agreeing out loud even though internally she knows it's a stupid idea. They talk a little more and then he kisses her and she tells us it was the best kiss of her life.

When they get back to the gym or wherever this stupid mixer is, Johnny is waiting for them. He doesn't say much but he does punch Sheff right in the jaw. Sheff refuses to be drawn into the fight, telling Johnny that Faith will decide who she wants to be with and then he just walks away. Johnny ends up taking off too and Faith goes back to 407 to cry.

Some days pass and then, for some reason, Faith and Dana decide to go into town to consult a psychic. I'm surprised tiny Greenleaf Massachusetts has a working psychic. All of Madame Irene's dialogue is written in pretty awful dialect (lot's of “zee” instead of “the” and the like). It's pretty tortuous to try to read. Madame Irene reads Dana's palm. She sees Randy but not Terry and Dana is confused by this because surely Terry is madly in love with her. She tells Dana that she will be happily married with children and dogs in the future. Faith asks to have her fortune told by crystal ball. Madame Irene tells Faith that she has taken a picture of the man she will marry but she hasn't met him yet. Faith knows this is possible because she's taken pictures all over the place of people and events and she doesn't always know the people in them. She also knows this means she won't marry either Johnny or Sheff.

Madame Irene ends the session by telling Faith to look to Shakespeare for answers. “To thine own self be true.” Dana thinks it's just something Madame Irene says but Faith takes it to heart. In an effort to look cooler to Sheff she's been changing her clothes and wearing more makeup and she even put relaxer on her afro. She suddenly sees that she shouldn't be doing any of this stuff and she should just stay true to who she is. It's a good take away from the probably bogus reading.

Dana thinks about it for a few days and then decides she needs to break up with Randy. She thinks the only reason Terry hasn't thrown himself at her is because she already has a boyfriend. If she eliminates the boyfriend she'll have the new boy wrapped around her finger. The ego on Dana just kills me. It really does. She can't picture an scenario where Terry just might not be into her. I think he's dating this Chris person and since this series can't even comprehend interracial dating, I know there's no way they'd give us same-sex romance. Therefore, Chris HAS to be a girl.

Early Saturday morning Dana runs out to Randy's ranch. He's not there but his mother invites her in for breakfast. Dana is saddened because she knows when she breaks up with Randy she won't be able to come out here anymore and his family has become important to her. They tell her that he's out checking a neighbor's foal and, after she eats, she sets out on their oldest and slowest horse. She's only made it a little distance when a freak storm comes up, completely soaking her. She can't get the old horse to move faster and things seem doomed but Randy rides up out of fucking nowhere and takes the reins from her. He urges his horse into a run and hers has no choice but to follow. He leads them to a lean-to somewhere on the property and Dana is a little breathless at the super sexy rescue.

She doesn't let that distract her from her purpose, though. She blurts out that she doesn't want him to be her boyfriend anymore which is pretty ironic because the fucking ghosties keep claiming he isn't. Randy is very, very hurt and he does something kind of mean here. He takes the horses and leaves Dana sitting in the lean-to all alone. When she wails that she's wet and it's a long walk back to campus, he tells her to “suffer”. I know, it's not very chivalrous but he just got dumped and he's hurt and sad and angry. I can't really blame him for doing it. In fact I enjoyed that too.

Dana sits there for awhile but then rushes back toward the school. She's going to tell Terry she's available now and she's sure they will “throw themselves into the romance they'd been holding back from”. Yes, it really said that. #Danaisdelusional

Later that day, Tom and Shelley get into a fight. He's heard about the Johnny/Faith situation and Randy called him to talk out what happened with Dana. Tom is pretty pissed at the girls and Shelley is defensive. He then asks her how long before she cheats on him again too and she's very indignant about that despite almost cheating on him just a few weeks before in Florida. He's not allowed to call her out on her behavior and she slams the phone down. So now she has no date for Saturday night.

Faith is also dateless. Johnny hasn't spoken to her for 8 days and she's not even sure if they're together or broken up. She's seen Sheff quite a few times in the meantime but always feels like she's putting on some kind of performance for him and she doesn't like it. He seems to like fake Faith more than real Faith. She tells Shelley that it's exhausting being with him and having to pretend she's hipper than she really is.

The cafeteria is serving something called “Surprise Surprise” for dinner that night so the dateless 407 girls, Casey and the boys of Baker House decide to go to Pizza Pete's. Dana makes sure she gets the seat next to Terry. She tells him she's broken up with her boyfriend and he offers sympathy which she doesn't need or deserve. She then smiles and says “I guess I'm finally going to get that pizza with you”. He doesn't immediately start kissing her so she explains that she's referring to her poem. He looks really uncomfortable and mutters something about pizza always tasting better when you're in a big group of people and then starts talking to Sheff. Dana can't even buy a fucking clue at this point.

#Danaisdelusional

In the meantime, Randy, Johnny and Tom are heading into Pizza Pete's. They see the group in the back and walk right back out before anyone from Canby notices them. Johnny is super pissed and Randy is still licking his wounds from earlier so when Johnny suggests they “nuisance” the boys by trashing their room, Randy goes along with it. They leave town and head straight for Canby.

When the boys get to their room their doorknob has been greased. Keith pulls out a handkerchief and opens the door. The entire room has been TP'd and written on the wall in shaving cream are the words “Hi guys! You're so cute!” I guess this is an attempt to make it look like a girl did it. There are opened cans of sauerkraut and sardines hidden all over the place and the bathroom walls are smeared with sundae toppings. They immediately assume Casey and the 407 girls did it despite the fact they were with them all night. Sigh. They vow revenge. I'm sure it will be stupid.

It's now some random morning and Dana is waiting for her roommates to finish getting ready so they can go get breakfast. Shelley keeps falling asleep and Faith is having 'shiny squirrel' syndrome as she tries to get around. Dana is crossing the floor when she kicks some box that has appeared in their room. How? I don't know. I guess someone sneaked it in there while they were sleeping which just seems a little terrifying to me. The box has a very stupid note attached.

“Kisses for the princess of 407, my sweetest Faith.”

Faith decides to open it in the closet which is the only place that offers any privacy. She goes in while the other two wait. Suddenly she screams, throws open the door and tosses the box. It apparently contained a frog. The frog gets loose and they can't even stop to find it because they're late for class.

In creative writing, Dana gets her poem back. She's expecting a lot of praise but she gets a lecture on taking class seriously instead. The teacher then reads her poem aloud which just seems like something a real teacher would never, ever do.

“Elmer Fudd

Slips in the mud

Falls with a thud

Feels like a dud

Gets covered in crud.”

The entire class laughs and Dana is humiliated.

Shelley gets her surprise during play rehearsal. Every time she opens her mouth to say a line, a clucking sound is played over the loud system. They finally send her home and continue rehearsal with her understudy. By the time she gets back to 407 she is sobbing dramatically and claiming her entire career is over forever.

Casey's surprise was supposed to be a rubber hand sticking out of her stroganoff at dinner but because PA and a bunch of important board members cut in line, one of them gets it instead. Mayhem ensues. Because PA doesn't know who did it, she restricts everyone to campus until someone confesses.

The next day, Terry falls into step with Dana. She's pissed because he laughed when her fake poem was read aloud instead of being “ her champion” so she decides to “give him a frosty”.

What?

Like a frozen treat from Wendy's?

Or is it a sex thing?

I don't want to judge anyone's kink but this seems like something they should do in private.

Terry admits that he and the boys did all the pranks to get back at the girls for trashing their room. Dana says they didn't do and immediately decides that it was Johnny, Tom and Randy. I have no idea how she would come to this conclusion. Yes, I know it's accurate but it shouldn't have been the first thing that came to her mind. Terry is in a panic. Chris was going to come to Canby next year so they could finish out high school together. They've been together since 7^th grade and he can't imagine ever being with any other girl. If he confesses and gets kicked out, their plans will be ruined.

Dana is devastated. I enjoy it.

I have to say, this book might become my favorite in the entire series just because I got to watch Dana crash and burn.

Dana encourages him to confess and appeal to PA's mercy. If they don't and she figures it out on her own, the punishment will be much worse. She might be lenient if they turn themselves in. Then she goes back to her room to lick her wounds. Faith is the only one in there. She tells Dana that she called Johnny and begged his forgiveness. She figured out that she couldn't be herself with Sheff and she didn't like that. And she missed Johnny who has always just been a genuinely nice guy and good friend. Dana tells Faith about Terry and whines that she broke up with Randy thinking Terry was a “sure thing” and now she's all alone again. As gently as possible, Faith tells Dana that she might be fucked in the head due to her parents' divorce and the perceived abandonment by her father. She thinks Dana is needy for approval and that's why she throws herself at everything with a penis. Dana takes that better than I thought she would.

Shelley comes back and Dana tells her about the boys pulling the pranks because they thought the girls pranked them first. She again puts the blame on “three guys from the friendly town of Greenleaf”. Faith says they've messed with the wrong girl because, being from the city, she knows the “heavy duty pranks”.

The boys go to PA's house to confess. She tells them that she'll have to think about an appropriate action to take. She's seriously reconsidering the idea of having boys at Canby. The boys meet with Casey and the 407 girls because clearly they are the only ones who can save the day. #allhailroom407 The girls come up with a plan. I'm sure it won't be stupid. \\sarcasm font//

The next morning, PA wakes up to find a huge bouquet in her yard. I don't know if it is actually made of real flowers or not but I know the stems are made of cut up garden hose and the ribbon is made of crepe paper. Next to the bouquet is a posterboard sign that says: “P. Allardyce, please forgive your bad boys.”

Fucking hell. That just sounds........stupid. And wrong. And a little illegal or something.  I feel like I need a shower.  It doesn't surprise me that this is the level of genius that our intrepid heroines have risen to though.

Ghostie tells us that PA laughs and all the culprits hear it from the bushes they are hiding in. Then this.

“To see it was to know that no one was going to be expelled from Canby Hall that day.”

To SEE it.

To SEE the laugh.

These girls are so fucking advanced that they can see sounds, y'all. They're practically superheroes.

The book ends with the girls revealing their plan to paint Tom, Johnny and Randy's cars with a special kind of paint that looks real but washes off. That's the big city “heavy duty prank” Faith planned. Sigh. These girls are useless.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: Giving this one to Casey and Keith to share. They were adorable together and I love that Casey didn't care that Keith was a “nerd” who was several inches shorter than her. Good on ya, Casey.

The Bitch of Baker House Award: This goes to Dana and Faith to share for cheating AGAIN.

Coming Up Next:  Shelley's worried about getting a part in the play she already had a part in during this book and the girls volunteer at a hospital.  I also hope they find the frog and open that can.

Who's the New Girl (Book 12) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: There's something about Nicole....

From the Back of the Book: She looks so innocent...but -   When French Nicole Brisbet arrives at Canby Hall, everyone is charmed by her sweet, quiet manner.  Shelley, Faith and Dana find her long braids and jumpers a bit old-fashioned, but decide they should help her feel at home.  Nicole seems to adapt to American ways a bit too quickly when she buys provocative new clothes and acts much too friendly with the roommates' boyfriends.  The girls are looking forward to an exciting trip to Ft. Lauderdale.  But will Nicole spoil their fun?

Is it just me or is the fact that they underlined the word "too" in that blurb a little weird?  Shouldn't they have emphasized "much" instead?  Maybe I'm just being picky.

TRIGGER WARNING: there is a lot of talk about weight and dieting in this book.  If that is something that will steal your joy or harm your soul in any way, please don't read this recap.

This book was published in 1985 and I'm pretty sure I've never read this one. I guess I read far less of these than I originally thought. The ghostie for this book is M.L. Kennedy and I'm pretty confident that it's the same person as Mary Lou Kennedy who wrote Make Me a Star. Goody goody gumdrops.

The cover is pretty stupid. I'm fairly sure no human being on Earth walks like that girl in green is walking. Why is her tiny hand on her stomach like that?  ((My manager just commented that it looks like Nicole has Barbie arms - you know, one straight and one bent.))  It also looks like Shelley is feeling up Dana and Faith is photographing it. Weird. This cover model for Dana really reminds me of Sloane from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For now, Dana is dating the magically delicious Randy, Faith is seeing wannabe-cop Johnny and Shelley is dating Tom from Greenleaf High while on a break from her one-true-love Paul. In the last book, Canby Hall almost closed because they didn't have an endowment, Dana cheated on Randy again and Shelley saved the day by meeting an old hermit with a lot of cash hidden in a barn or something.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Mary Beth, Ginny and Ellie are all missing once again.  Poor lasses didn't get to go to Florida.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Gale makes a repeated appearance in this book.

So we begin in room 407 with Dana bitching about snow. She got caught in a freak snowstorm on the way back from the grocery store and now her precious Italian boots are ruined. Please excuse me while I press 'F' on the world's tiniest keyboard for Dana. #momentofsilence

We hop into Shelley's head with no warning and all she can think about is how thin Dana is and how fat and disgusting she is. GALE!!!!!! Oh, how we've missed you.

I have a feeling we might need to put a count on this book.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 1

Shelley tells us that she's watching her weight pretty seriously now but a page ago Dana told us that Shelley sent her to the store for Twinkies so there's that.

It's almost dinner time and Shelley suggests they get all bundled up to go to the dining hall. She only had a salad for lunch and she's hungry. Dana and Faith don't want to go out in the cold They have snacks and they figure they'll just skip dinner and graze instead. Shelley is appalled. To her, dinner is meat, potato, vegetable and dessert and she can't understand why Dana and Faith are always so willing to skip meals. She comments on it and Dana says that she has to “starve herself to fit into the samples” her mother sends her. They're all a size 6 which means she has to stay thin if she wants to wear them. I fear we're headed into dangerous territory here again and I'm going to have to trigger warning this recap.

Don't starve yourself, kids. It's not a healthy path.

They decide to take their snacks up to Alison's room and have a picnic with the housemother-extraordinaire. She invites them in but decides she wants something with a little more substance than chips and Twinkies. Quickly she whips up a pot of chili and they all sit around her table to eat. For the most part, the conversation revolves around how miserable the weather is and how much they want to get out of the cold and the snow. Dana suggests they all go to Florida on semester break and I'm just sitting here wondering what kind of parents would let 15-16 year old girls go alone to Florida.

Shelley seems to be on my wavelength for once (which means I need to get on another one, stat) and questions whether they'd be allowed to go. Faith says that Alison and Michael can chaperone them and they should go to Fort Lauderdale because her sister went there for Spring Break once and had a blast. Soon they're all talking about swimming and laying on the beach and........is Fort Lauderdale warm all year round?  I'm going to Google.

Okay, I'm not sure if this semester break is at the end of December or the beginning of January but the average temp in Fort Lauderdale in those months is 76-78. It might be swimming weather for some but it's definitely not going to be warm enough for most. I also Googled the water temps in case those might be different but I got about the same thing (average water temp is 77). Do research, ghostie.

The next day over breakfast the girls fill Casey in on the plan even though they haven't gotten a definite 'yes' from Alison yet and don't have actual permission from any of their parents. Casey is in to go because her parents will be traveling over break anyway. Pamela overhears and wants to come too. I'm starting to wonder just how many girls Michael and Alison are going to be chaperoning on this maybe-trip.

Shelley goes off to class feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation. There's no way she's beach ready with Gale firmly planted around her hips and thighs. She vows to live only on celery sticks for the foreseeable future.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 2

The talk around the lunch room that day is about the new transfer student they are getting from Paris. Her name is Nicole and PA (head bitch in charge) has specifically requested her to be placed in Baker House and asked the girls from 407 to “be in charge” of her because they're so very awesome and just stellar examples of the kinds of friendships that can be developed at Canby Hall. #gag  #allhailroom407

There's some boring discussion of where Nicole is actually going to be roomed (a single at the end of the hall) and then they start talking about Florida again. They still don't know if they're going but that doesn't stop them. Shelley goes on a three-page bender about how fat she is compared to her friends.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 10

Shelley finds a place called Heavenly Bodies in the phone book and makes herself an appointment for that afternoon. She doesn't tell her friends or her boyfriend, wanting to keep it a secret and surprise them with her results. The woman in the leopard-print leotard behind the counter weighs her and measures her and provides her an analysis of her problem areas.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 11

She tells Shelley that the machines there will take care of everything and I'm not entirely sure if this is a regular gym or one of those toning places with the tables that pretty much do the work for you. She wants Shelley to start immediately but Shelley balks. It's almost time for dinner. Leopard-leotard scoffs and encourages Shelley to skip dinner because she has “no time to waste” if she wants to evict Gale before Fort Lauderdale (which isn't even a sure thing yet).

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 12

Later that evening, Shelley is is MIA but Dana and Faith head up to Alison's room to meet Nicole. Casey is already there for some reason. Nicole surprises Dana who was expecting someone poised and glamorous. She's dressed in saddle shoes and bobby socks and looks about 12 years old. Dana can't figure out why she's dressed like someone from the 50's and decides that Nicole definitely needs a makeover.

Fuck you, Dana. Maybe she likes that look. Maybe her parents forced her to wear it and she actually has a suitcase full of clothes better than yours. You know nothing about this girl or her life. Isn't it Faith's job to be judgmental up in this bitch? Stay in your fucking lane.

Faith is firmly in her area of expertise. When we hop into her head she's judging Nicole pretty hard-core thinking she looks like a “baby” and her dress looks like “kitchen-curtains”. She's further scandalized that Nicole isn't even wearing “a touch of mascara”. How does she expect to fit in here? She thinks it's a good thing that her and her friends are going to take Nicole under their wing because everyone will accept her as long as the 407 girls do. #allhailroom407

When they return to their room, Shelley is there sprawled across her bed looking pale and tired. She tells us she's incredibly sore and isn't even sure she can make it into her pajamas. Dana and Faith hassle her about missing the meeting and then drill her about why she's moving so slow and painfully but Shelley evades the questions by getting snippy with them. She goes to take a long, hot shower and then stops by Nicole's room on her way back. Nicole seems nice enough but Shelley gets a funny vibe off her.

The next morning they all take Nicole to the dining hall for breakfast. She turns up her nose at the food and says she only has coffee in the mornings. Shelley seems to take this as a personal insult for some reason. I have no idea why she feels like she has to defend breakfast. It's a little odd, sweetie. Nicole comes across Pamela and the two really hit it off right away. They've been to some of the same places and seen some of the same things. Nicole is really name dropping countries here. I think she mentioned a dozen in two pages, making sure everyone knows how wealthy she is. But when Pamela asks her where she lives, Nicole is oddly vague. None of them pick up on it though. #clueless Pamela invites Nicole to go to the french restaurant in Greenleaf that evening and Nicole accepts.

Later that night Dana goes to the movies with Randy who she is calling her boyfriend again because I guess it suited this ghostie's agenda. Nothing really happens except Dana tells us how wonderful it is to date Randy which is factual but not consistent with the past eleven books. #fuckcontinuity

The next morning, Shelley gets up early to go to Heavenly Bodies. Her personal exercise plan is to do one hour of aerobics and one hour on the toning machines. She's still sore from the day before but determined to get rid of Gale.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 13

We get a page and a half of Shelley thinking about various swimsuits and how she can't wear them and then we're back in 407 where Alison is doing room inspection. She tells Dana and Faith that the Florida trip is a go, mostly because PA wants Nicole to see as much of the country as possible for some reason. Then Alison asks them to take Nicole out and about that afternoon and to find her a date for that night. Faith and Dana are dismayed. There's no way they can get Nicole a date when she wears such babyish clothes. Faith says they can give her a makeover and Dana agrees to ask Randy to find a date for her. Randy isn't too thrilled with the idea. He's kind of anti-blind-date but he eventually agrees to rustle someone up for her.

Nicole is super resistant to the makeover. She doesn't want to look like an American girl and feels like the clothes are too boyish. She says that French girls like to look like girls and they have their own unique style. I'm not sure what she's continuously wearing is actual French high fashion and the girls should probably be picking up on that. #clueless Finally Nicole picks out a stylish black pencil skirt with buttons down one side and a low cut blouse. Shelley whispers to her friends that it seems off brand for Nicole but she's hushed. It's a sad state of affairs when Shelley is the woke one.

So apparently the date will be a triple: Dana/Randy, Shelley/Tom and Nicole/??. Faith and Johnny are having dinner with his relatives instead. They all get dressed and the ghostie makes a point to say Shelley “wiggles” into every single pair of pants. I let it go twice but this third time means we have to add to the count.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 16

Dana and Shelley go downstairs where Tom and Randy are waiting and they're stunned to see Nicole has given herself a little makeover. The braids and frilly dresses are gone and in their place is the low cut blouse and the pencil skirt. She has several of the buttons on the skirt undone so it's slit up to her thigh and she's wearing patterned stockings underneath. She looks pretty fabulous and Tom has definitely taken notice. She's flirting with the guys pretty hard and Shelley's fangs come out a little. She and Dana hurry over to pee a circle around their territory and that's when Dana notices there isn't a date for Nicole.

Randy admits that he wasn't able to set Nicole up with anyone but he and Tom encourage her to come along anyway. She plays like she's protesting but then dashes off to get her coat. Dana is pretty pissed at Randy but what the hell was he supposed to do? He had next to no notice and it's not like he has a huge circle of friends. I'm sure every guy he asked was wondering why the hell this girl needed a date last minute and probably thought she was a complete dud.

Nicole returns and Shelley notices that she's speaking with a heavier accent than usual. It seems to be a show for the guys and they are definitely eating it up. Randy tells her she can ride in the truck with him and Dana but Tom rushes to say he has a car which will be more comfortable and an 8-track player. Did cars still have 8-track players in 1985? Maybe he has a super old car or something. Still, it's weird. I feel like a lot of these ghosties are really stuck in the 60's and 70's. Anyway, Nicole can't decide who she wants to ride with so she suggests they walk. She links arms with both boys and leads them away.

Dana and Shelley are seething. Neither of them have any fucking ground to stand on here because they've both cheated on those guys more than once. Plus the boys don't seem to be flirting really. To me, it just seems like they find Nicole a little fascinating because she's new and different and she hasn't cheated on them repeatedly. In fact, ghostie says more than once that Randy looks uncomfortable with Nicole's overt flirting but Dana still accuses him of eye-fucking Nicole later. He snaps back at her saying he doesn't exactly like it when she goes on dates with Chris Canby either and she hotly says that it's different when she does it. Because reasons. In the end he tells her that she has no reason to be jealous and they make out.

#runRandyrun

The next chapter is just a bunch of chatter about Florida. The trip is open to all of Baker House which seems like #bullshit to me because there's no way that Alison and Michael are going to chaperone all those girls. Pamela is going for sure and that kind of dampens 407's enthusiasm but none of them are giving up the trip. They'd better hurry. The book is half over already and they're still in Massachusetts.

There's one interesting scene in this when Nicole starts talking about her family's chalet but she mentions a different town than she did the first time. Pamela picks up on it right away because she's way smarter than the rest of these paper dolls but Nicole rapidly explains it away. Pamela seems suspicious but she doesn't call Nicole out as a liar.

Eventually Faith and Dana clue into the presence of the B-plot and vow to figure out what Shelley's been keeping from them. Took 'em long enough.

Back with Shelley. She's not seeing results like she hoped she would so her aerobics teacher suggests she start coming twice a day instead of once. She says that Shelley needs a lot of work on her thighs and Shelley admits they look like two big hams.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 17

Shelley can't figure out how to fit another session in and tells the teacher she'll think about it. As she's walking home, Tom pulls up beside her and offers her a ride. She refuses at first, pretty mad at him for being so into Nicole but the temps are below zero and she's freezing. Within a minute of getting into the car, she falls asleep and doesn't wake up until he shakes her outside of her dorm. She's ready to go up to bed but Tom asks to come in and have a cup of coffee like they're 40 or something. I can't tell if he genuinely wants to spend more time with her or if he's hoping to see Nicole.

Nicole is in the lounge charming all the boyfriends of the Baker House girls. Tom immediately goes to sit at her feet and apparently Randy is also hanging around. They're hanging on Nicole's every word and Dana and Shelley are pissed. Some random student named Renee comes in. I don't think she's ever been mentioned before (and I bet she'll never be mentioned again) but she's an exchange student and she also seems to be from France. Nicole gets super nervous when Renee addresses her in French and then the nervousness increases when Renee asks a very specific question about where Nicole is from. Nicole answers and then takes off. Renee seems to find her answer odd but doesn't tell anyone why.

I find this scenario very vexing. If they have a French exchange student living in Baker House, why didn't PA and Alison ask her to befriend Nicole instead of the 407 girls?  It makes no sense that Renee would just be meeting Nicole now.

We suddenly skip ahead two weeks because it's 50 pages from the end of the book and ghostie just realized she needs to actually send them to Florida. This really feels like an afterthought at this point. Dana is excited because she's hoping to meet some cute boys.  Hypocrite they name is Dana. How dare she get pissed off at Randy for being nice to Nicole and then turn around and say she wants to hook up with some random surfer dude while she's gone? I hate her so much.

Ghostie then calls a mulligan and has Dana tell us that Randy isn't really her boyfriend at all. He's just a good friend. EXCEPT YOU WROTE IN THIS ACTUAL BOOK THAT HE WAS HER BOYFRIEND. THIS HAS HAPPENED WITH TWO DIFFERENT GHOSTIES NOW. YOU GUYS GIVE ME WHIPLASH.

#Ihatealltheghosties

We finally get to Florida and the hotel has goofed up so they are one room short for the week. Nicole ends up being put in with the 407 girls. She pretty much immediately goes off on her own to shop despite needing to check in with Alison and Michael first. The 407 girls head for the beach. Faith wants to lay in the sun and relax but Dana and Shelley want to explore so they split up. At one point, Dana steps on an actual human being and then gets pissed off when he's annoyed by it. He gets over it fast and introduces himself as Rick from Jersey. He's there with his friend Terry from “the midwest” and everyone starts flirting with each other.

#herewegoagain

The boys are freshman at Penn State and they're down there with their fraternity. Dana tries to be all sophisticated so Rick won't think she's a total baby. It's pretty grim. Rick asks her to dinner but she has to have dinner with the group so they make plans to meet back at the beach the next day. It doesn't end up happening, however. Alison and Michael have them scheduled from 10:00-10:00. Dana is annoyed she missed her chance for a date and Shelley is hella frustrated that she hasn't been able to go shopping for a new swimsuit.

The next day, Alison hands Dana a message from the front desk. It's from Rick and Terry asking Dana and Shelley to meet them at the cafe in their hotel for lunch. Alison isn't too hip on the idea but Michael manages to convince her that the girls can't get into too much trouble in the hotel cafe. #soundslikeachallengetome Pamela and Nicole overhear the entire exchange and Pamela makes some kind of comment about Dana and Shelley working fast with the men.

After the discussion about Dana and Shelley's lunch plans, the entire group gets onto the bus for another morning of scheduled activities. This time Alison has a tour of a wax museum planned and we get several pages of them talking about the figures they're seeing. Along the way, Dana notices that Pamela and Nicole don't seem to be with them but no one seems to know where they are.

They're running a few minutes late getting back to the hotel and Rick and Terry are nowhere to be found. I'm predicting that Nicole and Pamela absconded with them and I kind of hope it turns out to be true so Shelley and Dana can't cheat YET AGAIN. The girls sit around waiting for a bit and then decide to just head to the beach.  Rick and Terry just kind of cease to exist at this point.  I hope y'all weren't too attached to them.

That evening a group from a prep school in Georgia checks into the hotel and invites all the Canby girls to a luau on the beach. Everyone has a great time. Shelley makes dates with three different guys and Dana makes dates with two others. #Tomwho? #Randywho? Just as the party is finishing up, Pamela comes stomping up. Apparently she and Nicole went to a French restaurant instead of the luau. The chef came out to talk to them and that's when it was exposed that Nicole isn't French at all. She's actually from Kansas. Pamela got so mad she just left Nicole there with no way to pay for dinner.

I FUCKING CALL BULLSHIT! There's no fucking way that PA didn't know exactly where that girl was from. There's all kinds of paperwork involved in attending a boarding school, including TRANSCRIPTS from their former schools and other records like that. There's is no fucking way this could have happened.

Alison panics and she and Dana rush off to see if they can find Nicole. They locate her in a movie theater beside the French restaurant. Alison carts her back to the hotel and she orders Pamela, Casey and the 407 girls up to her room so they can sort this all out. Um......shouldn't it just be her and Nicole? Why the hell would she ask all those other people to come too? I mean, I know ghostie needs them there so she can tell the story and all but it isn't even remotely realistic.

Nicole explains that her parents are controlling and they treat her like a baby. They decided to send her to a boarding school for some better discipline and she realized it was her chance to make a new start and a new persona. Once she started she couldn't exactly stop and she felt trapped. Dana asks why she tried to steal everyone's boyfriends and Nicole whines that it wasn't her intention at all. It was just a natural consequence of her allure. #gag Pamela is pissed and refuses to forgive her but everyone else does. Of course. Casey advises her to talk things out with her parents and stop trying to be someone she isn't. She says that Nicole can't run from her problems forever and she needs to face them head on.

Shelley gets up early the next morning to buy a new bathing suit. She can't believe how much her body has changed. She just knows her friends are going to be blown away. Only they don't notice anything different. Even when Shelley demands that they look at her thighs and try to pinch some fat on her stomach, they say she looks just the same to them. It's incredibly insensitive of them. They're her friends. They could at least tell her she looks good. Shelley is really hurt but then decides it doesn't matter if she has thin thighs or big thighs. Then the book rather abruptly ends.

So what the fuck was the message there? I'm not sure I got it.

Number of times Gale is mentioned: 18

That's a lot of Gale for one book.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I'm going to hand this one to Casey. She was pretty benign all book and actually gave some good advice here and there.

The Bitch of Baker House Award: Dana and Shelley can share this for ONCE AGAIN CHEATING ON THEIR BOYFRIENDS.

Coming up next: Canby Hall flirts with being Co-Ed and enrolls three penis-bearers.