Best Friends Forever (Book 6) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: They thought they could face anything together.

From the Back of the Book:  Dana thinks country means quilts from cozy boutiques and Faith can't imagine a town without hot pretzel vendors.... But they find themselves home with Shelley in Iowa for the last weeks of summer, and small-town life is anything but humdrum!  One of Shelley's brothers, Jeff, falls hard for Dana and she wonders if she's always going to attract country types.  Everyone is getting ready for the County Fair when Faith is suddenly, shockingly ill.  The best doctors in Pine Bluff can't figure out what's wrong.  Dana and Shelley stand helplessly by, worried that for Faith, small-town care simply isn't going to be enough....

This book was published in 1984 and I have no idea if I read it back in the day or not.  I was going to say not but I did remember one of the main plot points so who knows?  I either read it and forgot almost everything about it or I never read it at all and this plot point got mentioned later in a book I did read.  Your guess is as good as mine.  The ghostie for this book is Patricia Aks who also wrote Keeping Secrets which I did not get to read firsthand. I don't have high hopes though because the recap for that book sounded super dumb.

Why does Dana look 40 on this cover??? She seriously looks like their mother or something. And Shelley is getting really skeletal. I guess Gale is gone for good. #amomentofsilenceforGale

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For now, Dana is dating the magically delicious Randy, Faith is seeing wannabe-cop Johnny and Shelley is dating Tom from Greenleaf High while on a break from her one-true-love Paul. In the last book, the girls stayed at Canby Hall an extra month after school let out for the summer to take some specialized classes in dancing, acting, poetry and photography. Dana got dumped by Bret and ended up meeting Randy who she dogged on all book for being a “hick”. Tom and Paul found out that Shelley was dating both of them and she and Paul ended up taking a bit of a break from each other to date other people. While trying to make up with Tom, Shelley almost got arrested for being the Greenleaf Cat Burglar.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Maggie.  Not only does Dana forget to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes, but she forgets she has a sister at all.  We spend some time with Dana at home but there is not a single mention of her sister.  Poor Maggie.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Gale.  That's right, y'all.  I thought she was dead and buried because of the emaciated cover model but, no!  Gale is much more hardy than that, bitches, and she's back with a vengeance to eat everyone's brains.

We begin with Dana in her New York City apartment waiting for 11:00pm to happen because that's when the long distance rates go down and she can call Faith. She's in the bedroom she shares with Maggie and this is where Maggie should have made an appearance but she's glaringly absent.  It's very odd.  Did someone forget to tell Aks that Dana has a sister or what?  This is the problem with having a bunch of different people write a series of books.

#fuckcontinuity

Dana is thinking about the trip they're about to take to visit Shelley in Iowa for two weeks and we're treated to a flashback in which Shelley mentions working in her dad's drugstore for the summer which is a neat trick since her dad is a farmer.

#fuckcontinuity  Again.  Already.  This has to be a record.

Dana and Faith aren't so sure about this trip. They think it's going to be boring and stupid. And then we get this..... “The truth was, Dana and Faith felt superior to anyone who hadn't been born and raised in the East the way they had.”

#fuckyouDanaandFaith

That quote really sums up the entire book and I really feel like my job is pretty much done here.  From now on, when Dana and Faith are feeling superior because they were raised in the illustrious East, I'm simply going to insert this symbol instead of wearing my poor fingers out typing it.  👺 

The next day, Faith flies to New York to meet Dana and then the two of them fly to Iowa. Shelley and her brothers Larry and Jeff come to get them.  Jeff does his level best to pick Dana up in more than just the ride-giving sense. After that we get an entire chapter of Dana being surprised that Shelley's brothers are talking about farm stuff instead of fashion and Faith worrying that she'll be lynched or something. It's very, VERY obnoxious.  👺

Shelley shows them around the house and they do their best to be snobby and judgmental about EVERY FUCKING THING. They can't believe they've been dropped in the middle of the wilderness where there's no one single mall or museum or “movie house” and they wonder how they'll survive. When Shelley goes to help her mom with dinner, they make fun of her and her family for being so country.  👺

They continue to mock everyone in their heads during dinner and if I didn't hate them before, I definitely do now. These girls are awful. Shelley announces that former boyfriend Paul and his cousin Jack are going to come by after dinner to take them all bowling. Jeff is still hot for Dana so he says he'll join them after he gets his cow Gertrude entered into the fair.

I was about to say that was the first time I ever bold-ed the name of a cow character but then I remembered those stupid shifter books.  

Paul and Shelley get into a fight as soon as they get into the car together. Paul was a total sweetie in the last book but he's a total ass in this one. Character consistency is not a strong point of these books. He wants Shelley to quit Canby and come back home so they can be together. Which is just ridiculous because in the last book he wanted to date some other girl instead. How many times can I use the #fuckcontinuity in one recap??

Jack breaks into the arguing and redirects the conversation, much to Dana and Faith's relief. Things were getting hella awks there for a minute. They get to the bowling alley and have way more fun than they were expecting. Faith thinks that Jack is pretty cute and I'm wondering if she's about to come down with something.

Later, Faith and Dana are in the room they're sharing and Faith teases her about Jeff's pretty obvious crush. Dana laments that she can't attract anything but country boys. She thinks about how awesome Randy is for a page and a half but then tells Faith that she could never really “flip” for someone who wasn't from a big city.  👺  

She's horrible. My hatred for Dana is beginning to become very distracting.

The next morning, the girls have breakfast and then Shelley begins her itinerary of fun. First stop is a visit to Jeff's prize calf Gertrude. Dana and Faith are pretty surprised that Shelley already knows how to drive and is allowed to take them around herself. Neither of them can drive yet. On the way, Shelley treats them to fun facts about Iowa – how it got its name, the state flower, etc. It's like Aks read a little paragraph on Wiki and wanted to be sure to work it all in.  Unfortunately she does so in the most clunky way possible.

When they get to the farm, Faith wants to take pictures of cows so Shelley takes her off to do that. Jeff has a harness on Gertrude and he's trying to get her used to being led around so Dana walks around with him. She's surprised to find she has butterflies in her stomach which is a sure sign that she's got a bit of a crush on someone. So I guess she gets one of these too.

These girls all have a very “love the one you're with” attitude.

After that, they all saddle up some horses and go out for a ride. Dana makes sure to observe that Shelley looks like “Buddha sitting on an elephant” which is just super bitchy to Shelley AND the horse. I'd just like to point out to Miss SnootyMcBitch that Shelley is smaller than her on the cover.

#thatmomentofsilencewasreallypremature

Faith has never been on a horse at all but she's brave and confident. Dana, not so much. She's nervous and unsure. Jeff rides beside her and tries to reassure her that she's probably going to survive. She doesn't enjoy it at first – feeling like a ragdoll bouncing around – but she finally relaxes and begins to have fun. They all stop at a pond so the horses can drink and Faith gets down to splash some of the muddy water on her face to cool down. When she stands back up, she gets really dizzy for a second but it passes and she attributes it to the heat.

On the way back, Dana loses control of her horse (Aks completely forgot which one she was on, by the way, and had her riding the horse Faith had been on instead. #fuckcontinuity) and almost runs right onto a busy highway. Luckily, Jeff manages to dramatically save her just in time and she looks at him “lovingly” afterwards.

After they return the horses, Shelley takes them into town to her father's drugstore so they can get lunch. I guess this is one of the old-fashioned drug stores with a little lunch counter. I haven't seen those in years but we used to have a Graves when I was little that had a counter in the back where you could get drinks and ice cream. I used to get cherry coke there way before canned cherry coke was a thing and it was so much better than what you can get now.

While lunch is getting ready, the girls wander around. Dana has some blisters or something on her hands so she gets some bandaids and Faith is still feeling a little odd so she buys a bottle of aspirin. When their sandwiches arrive, she doesn't manage to eat much but she drinks all of her ice cream soda.

After lunch they go next door to the general store where they proceed to make fun of everything in the store and the kind of people who shop there until they offend both the store owner and Shelley.  👺  These girls are just awful. Shelley ushers them out of there and takes them to a “Trash and Treasure Sale” which I think is like a huge town-wide garage sale. Faith is feeling weak and sick but doesn't want to admit it to anyone so she keeps quiet about it.

They pretty much repeat their behavior at the sale, making fun of everything they see. 👺  And then they're offended when people don't want to talk to them or wait on them. Dana finds some pretty dessert plates at one booth and is astonished to find the young man tending it is reading Emily Dickinson. She pretty much says that she can't believe anyone in Iowa reads poetry and he's a better person than I am because he doesn't punch her right in the face.  👺

I can't believe how many times I've already used that little dude.  My manager named him Dave, bee tee dubs.

Later that night, they go for a hayride. Faith is feeling pretty miserable at this point - achy and exhausted - but is trying hard to hide it. Luckily this kind of hayride consists of everyone sitting and laying down in huge piles of hay rather than sitting upright on hay bales so she can rest without anyone noticing. She sees Paul with his arm around Shelley and Jeff with his arm around Dana and she suddenly misses Johnny. She tells us how much she loves him and how he's made her life so much better since they've been together. Which is odd because she only mentioned him like two times last book.

Jeff ends up going in for the kiss and Dana is happy to go along. Afterwards she feels kind of bad about it. In the last month or so, she's kissed three different boys (Bret, Randy and Jeff) and while there's nothing wrong with that per se, it isn't the kind of girl she wants to be.

Suddenly it begins to pour and someone yells that they see a “twister”. Everyone starts to panic and Dana snuggles in closer to Jeff, comforted by “his strong body”. The adult driving the hayride says they'll head for an abandoned barn for shelter and this really sounds like the absolute worst place to go in a tornado. Unless it has a cellar. On the way, Jeff helpfully tells them about Waco twister of '53 which just set my manager off on a bizarre rant because there was an enormous super outbreak in the 70's that they should have been more familiar with than the one in Waco. Additionally, she's told me there were two pretty big tornadoes actually IN IOWA in the late 60's that they probably would have used for an example instead. ((In case you're wondering, as I'm reading, I often tell her the odd things I come across. That's why she had a rant about this before the recap was even posted.))

They reach the barn and get inside but apparently there aren't any actual doors. I maintain that this is a stupid place to take shelter. When you're outside you are supposed to look for a ditch or something to take cover in. They watch the tornado rip the roof off a farmhouse in the distance before heading right for them. Luckily, however, the girls from 407 are present and they are immune to natural disasters. The tornado lifts before it kills them all.

#room407mustalwaysbespared

They all go back home to dry off. Faith's plan is to take a long bath and go to bed. Shelley is going out for a “stroll” with Paul and Dana finds herself making out on the front porch with Jeff. I guess she's not too concerned about that kissing-too-many-boys-in-a-month thing anymore.

The next morning, Shelley wakes them up bright and early to go help on the farm that got destroyed by the tornado. Faith tries to tell her she's tired and doesn't feel well but Shelley doesn't listen. She says it's their “civic duty” to help out and she already volunteered them to take care of the family's three-year-old daughter Abigail.

They decide to take Abigail to the swimming hole to keep her out of the way of the people attempting to repair the roof. Faith lays down under a tree instead of swimming and Dana finally notices something is wrong. She asks Faith if she's okay and Faith replies that she's tired and has a headache. Dana asks her if she wants to see a doctor but Faith says an Iowa doctor would probably kill her and Dana agrees.  👺

Later that night, Faith is overcome by dizziness. She wants to tell someone but she's afraid they'll make her see the doctor and she's convinced no one in Iowa will know how to practice actual medicine.  👺

The next morning Faith is feeling even worse. Everyone is going to a fair for the day – where Jeff will show Gertrude – and then to a square dance that evening. Faith decides to stay home for the day and rest so maybe she'll feel better in time to go to the fair. Shelley's mom offers to stay with her but Faith insists it's just a little cold and tells everyone to go without her. After they're gone, she feels alone and afraid and she ends up crying.

Jeff finds out that Faith isn't coming to watch him show his cow and he's “burning with anger” for some reason. It doesn't make sense and it's just Aks trying to inject some drama here where it doesn't belong. The calf showing part of the fair doesn't start for a couple of hours and he's been there all morning working on Gertrude so his parents urge him to run home really fast and shower and change so he isn't all sweaty and grimy for his event. Before he leaves, they remind him that only the person on the paperwork can show the animal so he has to get back in time or Gertrude will miss her time in the sun. There might as well be a flashing neon sign over that saying PLOT POINT HERE.

I know this is the wrong blog but..........

Odds that Jeff has to take Faith to the hospital and doesn't make it back to show Gertrude in time: 99%

By the time Jeff reaches the house he is “seething with rage” that Faith is going to miss his big day. Again, Aks, this makes no real sense. He yells through the house for her and when she doesn't answer, he assumes she went off somewhere else. He's surprised when he finds her collapsed, sweating profusely and breathing heavily. She's burning up with a fever and he tells her that he's going to drive her to the hospital immediately. She protests that he has to get back to the fair but he tells her it doesn't matter and she's more important.

This is EXACTLY what I mean, Aks. You've been writing him as a good guy for the entire fucking book and that's why it made NO SENSE that he was so pissed at her for being sick. Keep track of your own fucking characters, would you? And this one is 100% yours so it isn't like you just changed the character traits of an established character because you didn't do your homework and didn't know better. You created this one pretty much and should know who he is.

Okay. Rant over.

Jeff leaves a note for his family and then carries her to the car, murmuring sweet reassurances to her the entire way and acting like the person we've been getting to know for 140 pages and not that impostor Aks tried to shove on us for 5 of them. He continues to tell her she's going to be okay and he's going to take care of her as he races to the hospital in the next town.

Jeff agonizes as he waits. No one will tell him anything and he's a worried wreck. When his family and Dana finally arrive, he more or less crumbles. Everyone fusses over him and then Larry takes him to get some food because he hasn't eaten all day. The Hydes go to talk to the doctor to try to get information for when they call Faith's mother. When they return, everyone presses Shelley's dad for his expert diagnosis because he is a pharmacist after all and that qualifies him to make medical pronouncements. He says it's either Mono or Meningitis.

That's a pretty broad spectrum there.

The doctor won't allow visitors until he knows exactly what she has and how contagious it is, so everyone goes back to Shelley's house. Her mom calls Faith's mom and arrangements are made for her to fly in the next day.

The next day there's no change in Faith's condition and the doctors are continuing to run tests. Bacterial meningitis has been ruled out as well as a host of other things (like mono) but they're no closer to an answer. Dana and Shelley are finally allowed to see her and they're shocked at how sick she looks.

Two days pass and Faith continues to get worse without them figuring out what's wrong.  The doctors there say she has some kind of infection but they can't pinpoint it.  Her mother isn't happy and wants her moved back to Washington DC where more competent people can look after her.  👺  I see where Faith gets it now. The doctors tell her Faith isn't stable enough to be moved and no airline will transport her since they don't know if she's contagious but Faith's mother says she'll take her critically ill daughter to the East Coast by train if she has to because this makes perfect sense. Sigh.

Shelley's dad has a friend who has a private plane and, to keep Faith off a fucking train, he arranges for his friend to transport them. Dana and Shelley are going to go too so they can help out at Faith's house and keep Faith company so she isn't so scared. Jeff is devastated that Dana is leaving so soon. #youdodgedabulletdude She just shrugs it off and thinks he was nothing more than a little summer fling anyway so she's not going to concern herself with his feelings or even promise to keep in touch. #SUCHABITCH

He gives her a little stuffed cow to remember him by and I pretty much want to kick her teeth in. It's a typical day with Dana really.

The book is literally five pages from ending and Aks still hasn't diagnosed Faith yet. She's removed from the hospital against medical advice and flown back to Washing DC where she's admitted into another hospital. It doesn't help. Three days go by with Faith making no improvement. She's unconscious now and Dana and Shelley aren't even allowed to see her. The doctor there tells her mom that Faith was receiving the proper treatment in Iowa and never should have been moved.

Suddenly Aks realizes she only has two pages left to wrap this up and she decides that Faith just has some kind of unnamed infection and suddenly it's all better!!! Hoorah!!!! Faith wakes up and asks for pretzels and mustard and everything is lollipops and rainbows.

IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

The Least Annoying Person in Pine Bluff Award:  Jeff.  Despite what Aks tried to do to him for a few pages, he was the only good character in this book.  Well, him and Gertrude.  She was a peach.

The Bitch of Baker House Award:  This has to go jointly to Dana and Faith because.....👺.

Coming up Next:  The worst person at Canby Hall finally makes her appearance.  Yes, folks, it's Pamela.  It's hard to be worse than our 407 girls but she manages.  Somehow.

Summer Blues (Book 5) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: Friends can't always help.

From the Back of the Book: School's out!  So why are the girls of Canby Hall still hanging around?  Dana, Faith and Shelley are signed up for a month of summer school.  For Dana, this means class with her favorite poet by day and romantic moonlit walks with Bret by night.  But Bret has other plans for his summer vacation and they don't include Dana.  The summer blues hit hard.  Shelley has her own problems when her hometown sweetheart meets up with her Greenleaf boyfriend, but she and Faith try to nurse Dana's broken heart.  Yet is is Randy who brings a smile to Dana's lips and a new confidence to her walk!  Can a boy from the backwoods and a New York City sophisticate find romance?

That blurb is so very, very awful.  But..............

OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! We finally get RANDY!!!!! 

This book was published in 1984 and I thought I had read it before but I didn't recognize one single thing about it so I guess I must have missed this one way back when. The ghostie for this book is Carol White again. She gave us Something Old, Something New from the new girls series and book one from this series. I'm not expecting good things here.

This cover is hilarious. Why is Faith creepily holding up a sandwich to Dana like that? “Here, sad little city girl, have some PBJ.” It's bizarre. The cover models have changed. AGAIN. At least Shelley looks age-approriate this time. But where the hell is Gale? Shelley looks the same size as her roommates here. If Gale gets mentioned in this book, I'm calling a huge foul. Also, why is there a tennis racquet there? It doesn't look like there's a tennis court anywhere near that wooded place.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For the time being, Dana is dating Bret-the-two-timer from Oakley Prep and Shelley is hopelessly torn between her hometown sweetheart Paul and new crush Tom. Faith briefly dated Ray in book 3 but he seems to have ended up under the tulips and now Johnny is the man of her fickle dreams. In the last book I recapped (book 3), Dana's dad decided to get remarried and he invited Dana to spend a year in Hawaii with him and his new wife. Shelley got a part in the school play and discovered her new purpose in life.....and a new boy. Dana and Shelley had a huge falling out over the fact that they were both being self-absorbed bitches (although Shelley was definitely the worst ever with all her over-the-top dramatics). Being so wrapped up in the play and Tom almost made Shelley flunk out of school and she nearly decided to cheat on a test but luckily everything worked out just fine with all that. Somehow. Oh, and Faith dated Ray who she was extremely judgmental about. As per usual.

So, you all know the saga of me trying to find book 4 for nearly a year. I finally had to abandon hope and I just read a recap from another blogger. Yes, another one exists. It's probably way better than mine so don't go read it, okay? Anyway, based on her recap, here is the gist of book 4.

A Very Special Canby Hall Catch-Up: Book four was called Keeping Secrets and ghostied by someone named Patricia Aks who wrote a lot of generic teen fiction in the 80's. The A plot centered around a rush of thefts being committed in Baker House. Everyone suspects some chick named Mary Beth because she is aloof and hasn't tried to make friends with the rest of them but it's an effing Justin situation because some rando chick named Millie starts showing up every other page and inserting herself into everything. Mary Beth is the B plot and she eventually confides in Dana-the-life-ruiner that her dad is in prison for embezzlement. The girls from 407 “rescue” Mary Beth and make her an overnight sensation. Just when things look peachy, the school newspaper inexplicably publishes an article about her dad being in prison because that's exactly what a boarding school newspaper would report on. The 407 heroes dash around school to explain that Mary Beth's dad only took the money to better her life and all is forgiven. Meanwhile, Faith provides us with a C plot out of fucking nowhere. She starts dating Johnny who wants to be a police officer when he grows up. This is an issue for Faith because her dad was killed in the line of duty years before. She isn't sure she wants to be a cop's wife. But then the Tutti Frutti is held up in an apparently hilarious and poorly written way and teenage Johnny saves the day so Faith is suddenly okay with his career choice. In the last few pages the ghostie apparently remembered she had an A plot and the thief is revealed to be Millie to nobody's actual surprise. The Baker House girls feel responsible for not being better friends to her and Millie is ordered to undergo counseling much like Casey was back in book one. All's well that ends well I guess.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Millie and Mary Beth.  After being a central focus of book 4, they aren't mentioned a single time in book 5.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: Casey has been taking a dirt nap since book 2 but she finally re-emerges.  ((I can't actually confirm that she was still 6 feet under in book 4 but the other recapper didn't mention her at all so I'm going to assume she was.))  

This book picks up in June, two weeks before the end of the school year. Shelley is reflective, thinking about the chubby girl who had arrived at Canby Hall with Gale strapped firmly to her midsection. Now she is ten pounds slimmer, has not one, but TWO boyfriends and sports a “hot new haircut”. Is she talking about that mullet on the front cover. Did she seriously just describe a mullet as a “hot new haircut”??? 

#deluded

Faith comes crashing into the room on roller skates and Shelley laughs at her. She says she thought “black people were supposed to be more coordinated” and Faith laughs. Not to be outdone, Faith sees Dana down on the lawn sunbathing and remarks that she should “add tanning to my list of amazing things white folks do for fun.” I'll just leave those there without comment.

#gottalovethe80's

All three girls are staying for an extra month to take part in something called “summer intensives” that Canby Hall shares with Oakley Prep. They're specialized classes taught by noted instructors. Dana will be taking a poetry intensive taught by a famous poet. Shelley is naturally taking a drama intensive and Faith will participate in a photography one. They run until the end of July and they're all happy to spend an extra month with each other and their boys. Johnny and Tom both go to Greenleaf High and live in town and Bret will also be staying for the extra term. Shelley thinks this is the perfect solution to her little problem. She'll be spending half the summer with her one-true-love Tom and then the rest with her one-true-love Paul. Perfect.

Dana ends up falling asleep and getting a sunburn which I really hope isn't the A plot here.   Alison (housemother extraordinaire) comically overreacts and plops Dana into the infirmary for 24 + hours. Dana has a lot of time to think in there and naturally she spent most of it thinking about Bret. Bret was a pretty notorious two-timer when she started dating him but he's since reformed. She thinks. He really helped her get through #thehuladilemma a couple of books ago but lately he's seemed a little distant. The main reason she decided to stay for the intensive was to spend an extra month with him. Next year he'll be a senior and she's looking forward to being a senior's girlfriend and getting to go to all the upperclassman parties. She's not giving that up for anything.

Dana decides not to worry about a few days of missed phone calls because clearly she and Bret are fated. In her head, she plans the rest of their lives together. She'll go to college either where he does or somewhere nearby that has an architecture department because that's what she wants to be when she grows up (I'm having horrible A Deadly Game of Magic flashbacks here, people). After graduation they'll get married. Faith and Shelley will be her bridesmaids and Maggie will be her maid of honor so she can #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes from the altar. Then they'll have two kids – a boy and a girl. She hasn't discussed any of this with Bret but she's sure it will all happen just like she planned.

Dana sleeps for awhile and wakes up when she feels Casey dropping dirt clods on her. After expressing some alarm at the fact that a zombie is casually standing in the infirmary, Dana asks her what she's doing there. Casey tells her she was tired of eating worms so she escaped her tulip-y grave and came to eat Dana's non-existent brain instead.

We'll just call this little scenario 'Things I Wish Happened'.

Actually, Casey has skipped class right before finals to come visit the poor sunburn victim. But she's not there on a mission of mercy. She hems and haws a bit and finally admits that she has something awful to tell Dana. A couple of days ago, Bret asked her out on a date. Not only that but Casey has seen him with other girls several times lately and just hasn't told Dana until now.  (#amazingfriend)  Dana immediately wants to put all those other girls “under arrest.”

Seriously?

Was that the best you could think of?

Such stellar and relatable writing in these books.

Casey tells her not to take it out on the rando girls. For all the other girls know, she and Bret are in an open relationship and he has permission to date around. She has a point here. It's on Bret to remain faithful not the other girls. Women always get mad at the wrong person in these scenarios.

I really hope they're not going to put on gorilla suits again because that was hella dumb. 

#planbooga-booga

Dana knows she has to talk to Bret but she isn't worried. She thinks he'll have a reasonable explanation that will have them “laughing and hugging within ten minutes”. 

Dana calls Bret that night and arranges to meet him the next night (Friday). She feels much better after talking to him because he's clearly happy to hear from her and see her. When he comes to pick her up, he's a little alarmed at her appearance. He calls her “honey” and tells her that they should have kept her in the infirmary. He keeps up a steady chatter about finals and his sloppy roommate as they walk out to the falls. By the way, I've read a bazillion of these books and this is the first damn time a waterfall has been mentioned.

#fuckcontinuity

When they're sitting comfortably on a rock, Dana brings up the Casey thing but she phrases it really idiotically. “You'll never guess what Casey thought the other day when you wanted her to come with us tonight.” She actually honestly believes that Bret asked Casey to join in on their date (which they didn't even have until yesterday). She's so dumb, y'all. Bret doesn't bother to play along, though. He flat out tells her that it's not possible because they didn't even have the date 24 hours ago. Casey didn't misunderstand anything.

Bret's response? “I guess I'm just not any good at this, honey.” Apparently he hates breaking up with girls so he just cheats on them and waits for them to find out so he doesn't have to actually tell them it's over. I can't believe I gave this asshole The Least Annoying Person in Greenfield Award more than once. (#sonotawardworthy)  He purposely picked Casey because he knew Casey would tell Dana and his little problem would be solved.

Dana is still stubbornly holding on to hope that this can still work. She asks him if he just wants to date other people once in awhile but stay together. Why would she even offer this when it's not what she wants at all? Bret tells her it's the other way around. He wants to date other people predominantly but see Dana once in awhile on the side. Sounds like he's setting up a booty call to me. He reminds her that he's just 17 and not ready to settle down and be serious with one girl which is completely reasonable and even healthy but YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT AND NOT BE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ASSHOLE.

They walk back to Baker House and Dana is the chatterbox now. She's keeping to “safe subjects” like school and the summer intensive program. Apparently Bret is taking one in dance to rattle his business-minded father a little. When they get back to the front steps, Bret kisses her cheek very grandfather like and Dana suddenly can't stand it. She throws her arms around him and begs him to give their relationship another chance. They're supposed to be forever. Bret peels her off him and tells her that things change. Then he literally RUNS away from her like he's being chased by a chupacabra.

Three days pass and now we're in Faith's head. She's worried about Dana who has only gotten out of bed a couple of times since her breakup with Bret. She's even skipping some of her finals. Casey is sure she knows how to get Dana out of her funk. She's going to bury her under the tulips.

Like we could get that lucky.

Actually Casey is going to take Dana to an amusement park at Crystal Lake (Which is name of the camp in Friday the 13^th. I wish Jason would stick an ax in Dana's head.). This amusement park is yet another place we've never heard about before and will probably never hear about again. You can't bury an entire amusement park in the tulip bed, White. The roller coaster will stick out and reveal all of Canby's dirty little secrets. Like poor Laura Lee. #amomentofsilenceforLauraLee

Dana refuses to go but then Casey points out that Bret has probably heard about her being flat on her face for three days and does Dana really want to give him that satisfaction? Dana decides to go. They end up having fun and Dana starts to feel better.

Dana goes home for a week between the end of the regular term and the beginning of the summer intensive. Her mom encourages her to be okay being alone and to never depend on another person for her happiness. It's actual good advice for young women to be reading.

Suddenly it's a week later and Dana is in her poetry intensive course. I'm going to save you the really boring details but her instructor is pretentious and thinks poetry is life. It's all very nauseating. Dana loves it though and finds herself “immersed in poetry”. 

A few days later, Dana runs into Bret with a foreign exchange student that I've already forgotten the name of. She's french and White tries to write in dialect by making her say “zee” a lot. It's pretty appalling. Dana is crushed that Bret's moved on so soon. I guess she's forgotten that he moved on before they actually broke up. To cure her heartache, she goes for a run. She remembers her poetry teacher encouraging them to stop somewhere in nature to write what they feel, so she does that under some trees. She produces a notebook and pencil because apparently White has already forgotten that Dana is out for a jog and not carrying a backpack (#fuckcontinuity).

And then it happens.

OMG I've been waiting for this for five fucking books.

Just like that, a man appears on a horse. Dana describes him as “beautiful” with longish, blonde curls and gray eyes. He stops his horse in front of her and asks what she's doing. She tells him she's working on a poem for class and he lets her know she's on private land but he doesn't really care about that and tells her she can stay as long as she doesn't bother the bears. He introduces himself as Randy and Dana recognizes his last name as one belonging to one of the biggest land-owners in the state. She can't get over how handsome he is. He's not a big talker but she starts giving him the third degree and he finally coughs up the information that he's 17 (for now) and a recent graduate from Greenleaf High.

Randy tells her that he has to get back to work but she can stay as long as she wants. If one of his brothers tries to run her off, she's supposed to say she has his permission to be there. Before he rides away, he asks if he can call her sometime and she's practically peeing in her pants with excitement. #Bretwho?

The next day is the hottest June in Massachusetts history apparently which translates to upper 90's. But this is the 80's when classrooms weren't often air conditioned, so the intensives are canceled due to the extreme heat. The 407 girls plus Casey and Johnny decide to go down to the “swimming hole” to beat the heat. Poor Tom has to work. Dana watches for Randy as they pass his land but he's nowhere in sight. The swimming hole is already packed but they manage to have fun and keep cool for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon.

At four they head back so Shelley can get to her date with Tom at Pizza Pete's. As they're approaching Baker House, she sees someone who looks vaguely familiar in the distance. As they get closer, she realizes it's Paul. Uh oh. I think her cheater fever is about to be exposed.

Paul is thrilled to see her. He picks her up and twirls her around in pure joy which just makes my heart ache. Poor Paul. Why it it always the guys named Paul who get thrown over? He tells Shelley that he's doing college visits in the area and he wanted to stop by and surprise her. She's definitely surprised. She thinks he looks older and “sharp” in his black jeans and black polo shirt. She's proud of him and glad to show him off to her friends.

A few minutes later she remembers she has a date and panics. She's just going to have to come up with a plan. And she finally does. She's going to have Casey and Paul come with her to Pizza Pete's. Casey's is going to pretend she's Tom's date for Paul's sake and then she and Shelley are going to pass Paul off as a childhood friend.

It all goes awry pretty quickly. Paul asks Tom where he's going to college and Tom lovingly says it depends on Shelley. They try to cover that with some lame story about Shelley sending off for a college guide that Tom wanted to look at before deciding but it was pretty weak. Then Paul calls Shelley “sweetheart” and Casey whispers to Tom that Shelley was once elected “Pine Bluff Corn Sweetheart” and now the entire town calls her sweetheart.

Shelley and Casey think they're just the greatest actresses of all time and they head to the bathroom at one point to congratulate each other on a job well done. When they come back to the table, the boys are gone and there's a note on a napkin. “To two girls who aren't as smart as they think. See you around. (signed) Two guys who aren't as dumb as you think.”

#teamTom #teamPaul

Those guys fucking rock!

Shelley decides she's unlucky in love and should just remove herself from society.  If only we could get that lucky.  Then we get this......

“She saw herself in a white doctor's coat, her hair bleached out by the pulsing equatorial sun. With one hand she was putting a cold compress on the forehead of a feverish native patient; with the other she was scratching behind the ears of her pet lioness cub.”

Shelley goes back to Baker House to sulk. And become a missionary?? I don't know. Eventually Paul shows up to talk things out. Shelley explains that they've just drifted apart because of the distance between them and admits she was wrong for not telling him about Tom. Paul confesses that he's kind of interested in a girl back home named Amanda and Shelley goes into a dramatic tailspin about his betrayal. Girl, get a grip. He isn't even dating Amanda and you are very much dating Tom. You don't have a leg to stand on here. Paul points out that she wants to have her cake and eat it too and she doesn't want him to have any cake at all.

I kinda love Paul.

In the end, they decide to try dating other people for awhile. Now all she has to do is patch things up with Tom. Is anyone else having a Neal/Jane/Cary flashback here? She's sure everything will be fine but when she calls Tom's house his mom tells her that he doesn't want to talk to her. She's humiliated because his mom obviously knows what she did.

We land in Dana's head now. She's heading out to go to town to pick up conditioner and batteries when she runs into Randy coming up the front walk. She's surprised to see him. He tells her that he has to go mend fences for the afternoon but he'd love some company and she agrees to go with him. She has trouble adjusting to how quiet he is after dating slick-mouthed Bret. He doesn't make a joke out of everything or fill the silences with meaningless chatter. He asks her to tell him the story of her life while he's working and she lays down on the grass and starts at the beginning. She doesn't get far before she bores herself so completely that she falls asleep.

I'm really struggling here, y'all. I love Randy big and you all know that. You also know that Dana is the girl who broke his heart so badly he barely recovered. So the specter of that is hanging over my head here. I'm so damn glad to see him because he remains the only character worth rooting for in this entire fucking series but I'm also sad he's here because I know he's going to get trampled.

#torn

When Dana wakes up, a sudden storm is approaching. Randy is packing up his tools and he tells her to get in the truck. She runs but not fast enough and she ends up soaked and shivering. When he joins her in the truck she admits to him that she's terrified of storms and he slides across the seat to wrap an arm around her. He gently tells her that there's nothing to be worried about and she compares him to Bret once again thinking that Bret would be trying to joke her out of being scared. She tries to decide which is better.

Randy is worried about her being wet and cold. He tells her there's a little cabin not far away. There's a wood stove in it and he can build a fire so she can warm up. The rain is coming down in torrents now but he reaches it okay and they both dash for the door. Randy starts building a fire and he talks to Dana to distract her as he does. A hermit named Eagan used to live in the cabin. He was there when Randy's dad bought the land and Mr C didn't feel like it would be right to make him move, so he let him stay. I can see where Randy gets his heart now. Randy spent some time with the hermit as a kid and the guy taught him about living off the land (what you can eat and what animals want you dead and how to listen to nature). City girl Dana is pretty fascinated.

When the rain stops, Randy puts out the fire and tells Dana they can head home. She goes in for a kiss but he turns his head so it lands on his cheek. He tells her that he moves a little slower than that and gives her a hug instead. She's furious. In her mind she calls him a “hick” and a “total goon”. #fuckyouDana

Dana goes running out of the cabin and immediately faceplants in a huge mud puddle.

There is justice in this world after all.

A week passes and Tom still hasn't called Shelley. She asks everyone for advice and I'm not exaggerating. She even asks the housekeeper and her drama intensive instructor. He advises her to give Tom a rose. A ballerina did that for him once and he's never forgotten it. She thinks it's a smashing idea and goes right to the florist to buy a single red rose in a shiny black box. On the card she doesn't write an elaborate apology. She doesn't write an apology at all. She simply draws a blue tear drop on it.

Shelley takes the box to Tom's house and leaves it on his porch. As she walks away, she realizes she didn't put his name on the card and his mom might think the rose is for her. So she runs back to his house. She doesn't have any paper and I guess she forgot she put a fucking tear drop card on the thing because she goes into the neighbors yard to get a leaf and writes 'Tom' on it with the lipstick she just happens to be carrying in her pocket and then puts the leaf on the box.

Just when I think things can't get any more idiotic, they do.

She hears someone coming and she dashes across the street to hide behind a tree. Unfortunately for her, the person who owns the yard and the tree finds her behavior very suspicious and he calls the police on her.

Wow. Even more idiotic. I didn't think it was possible.

The cops think she might be the “Greenleaf Cat Burglar” which is so super ridiculous. They almost put her in handcuffs but Paul races up to vouch for her. It's a damn shame.

Time passes. I don't know how much. The poetry instructor is holding a reading and Dana is super excited about it but her friends don't care. She calls and invites Randy, hoping he'll find her terribly sophisticated. He accepts her invitation, saying he really wants to spend more time with her. She's expecting a huge turnout and a buzz of excitement when they get there but it's not very well attended and people don't seem very into it.

Dana is deeply affected by the poetry and she expects Randy to be too but he makes a joke at the end of it and it infuriates her. She screams at him that he's just like all the rest and she runs out of the auditorium, leaving him sitting there. She walks through the woods thinking that this stupid hick town and all its stupid hick people could never live up to the wonders of Manhattan.

She's so insufferable in this book. She hasn't been too bad so far but this is just a whole new level of stuck-up brat.

The next night, an envelope is delivered to room 407. The girl who drops it off gives a description of Randy so Dana knows who it's from before she opens it. She expected “a dumb letter – some kind of clumsy apology or a note telling her she was cute as a spotted hound dog” (#fuckyouDana) but it turns out to be a poem.

“I talk a good game,

Tell you about listening to the forest

Then I turn around and tromp

right over your feelings

Eagan would cry.

Would you give me a chance

To make it up to him

And to you?”

She realizes she was wrong to assume he was a dumb hick just because he was quiet and didn't smarm at her. She feels ashamed of how shallow and judgmental she's been. Especially since shallow is Shelley's job and judgmental is Faith's. #stayinyourlaneDanaandjustruinhislife

She heads out to the parking lot and Randy is there leaning on his truck. He apologizes and she apologizes and then she inexplicably starts tickling him. I swear to the highest reaches of Heaven that White has no idea what she's doing in this book. 

Now it's a random Sunday afternoon and the 407 girls are eating PBJ's under a tree. Faith is also crocheting a sweater as 15 year olds do. They talk about Randy. Faith teases Dana about him being such a country boy and Dana actually defends him saying he's smart and well-read. He doesn't always say much but when he does it actually means something and he's very sensitive to her. He always seems to care how she's feeling. Faith admits that she thinks he's pretty “adorable” and, of course, Shelley approves of farm boys so Dana gets their stamp of approval.

That night, Randy invites Dana to the Tutti Frutti. They're sitting on the same side of the booth sharing an enormous sundae when Bret appears. He introduces himself to Randy who has just taken a huge bite of bananas or something. Randy tries to politely stand up and shake Bret's hand but he bonks his head on the hanging fern above the table and Dana dies inwardly of embarrassment. She can tell Bret thinks Randy is hopelessly uncouth and this matters to her for some fucking reason. Poor Randy.

Bret asks to join them and then pretty much takes every opportunity to try to make Randy seem stupid. Dana doesn't try to stop this – in fact, she laughs along with Bret and is generally bitchy. She flirts with Bret and he teases her back. The problem is that Randy isn't aware that the two of them had that kind of relationship and he thinks Bret is insulting Dana. He rushes to defend her honor which just makes Bret laugh at him for being a fool. By the end of this I really hate Bret and I feel so sorry for Randy.

After Bret leaves, Randy asks Dana if the two of them used to date. She tells him they did and he says she needs to figure out exactly what she wants because she was flirting with Bret pretty hardcore. He ends up leaving her there which isn't very gallant but is pretty understandable.

The next day, Bret seeks her out and says he wants to get back together. He knows she can't possibly have anything to talk about with the “super hick” (#fuckyouBret) and he wants the two of them to give it another try. Dana tells him she needs to think about it and he throws a little fit and tells her to make it snappy because he's not going to wait around. Oh, yeah, he seems like prime boyfriend material to me. 

In the end, Dana picks Randy. Bret is fun and he makes her laugh and makes all these grand romantic gestures but he's also a cheater and a lying liar who lies. Randy is “honest, gentle, kind, loving, sensitive” and those are Dana's words, not mine. But I do agree with her. #itkilledmetosaythat #I'llbeunderthetulips #don'tfertilizeme

The summer term ends and the girls sadly say goodbye to each other. They just don't think they can survive a month and a half without seeing each other so Shelley invites them to come stay with her for a little bit. They just completely recycled all these story lines for the new girls didn't they? This is just like when the girls went to stay with Toby. I wonder if anyone will get lost on the range?

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award:  Obviously Randy but I'd give it to him every time if I could.  So I'm going to surprise the hell out of everyone here and hand this one to Faith.  She wasn't too bad this book.

The Bitch of Baker House Award:  Clearly Dana.  She was awful.  So awful.

Coming up Next:  I don't know.  They go visit Shelley I assume.

You're No Friend of Mine (Book 3) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line:  (Taken from the cover of another edition - thank you Goodreads!)  War is declared in Room 407.

From the Back of the Book: Would they always be enemies?  Dana and Shelley are fighting night and day and their roommate Faith is stuck in the middle.  Everyone is on edge.  Dana has a big decision to make.  Her dad and his new wife have invited her to live with them - in Hawaii!  And Shelley is afraid she's falling in love with Tom, even though she still loves her boyfriend back home.  Can things possibly get any worse for The Girls of Canby Hall?  (Sure.  They could have actual problems but whatever.)

The blurb really sets the whiny, self-absorbed tone of this book.  Buckle up, y'all.

This book was published in 1984 and I can't remember if I've read it or not. I guess I'll see as we go along.  ((Note from future me: I had not read this one.  I would have remembered something this appalling.))  The ghostie for this book is Lucille Warner. She wrote A Roommate Returns which was a fucking fiasco of a book so I'm not really looking forward to this one at all.

Why does Shelley look about 40 on this cover? Dana and Faith look pretty consistent with other covers but this is a totally different model for Shelley. She's also thinner than Dana here so either Gale is a thing of the past, or the person who did the cover never read the book. Equal odds.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For the time being, Dana is dating Bret-the-two-timer from Oakley Prep and Shelley is hopelessly devoted to her hometown sweetheart Paul. I don't expect either of those to last. In the last book, Shelley was mistaken for Casey (still majorly calling bullshit on this one) and kidnapped to keep Casey's parents from testifying in an art theft case. Dana and Faith Nancy Drew'd the shit out of the case and ended up saving the day with a little help from Bret.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Casey is completely MIA in this book.  I fear she was clubbed on the back of the head by Shelley in one of her dramatic episodes and buried beneath the tulips.  Dorothy and Polly are keeping her company in the dirt.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: I know Gale wasn't technically missing for most of book 2 but at the end it was mentioned that Gale was no longer with us.  I was crushed.  Thankfully, Gale made a strong reappearance in this one, dripping dirt clods all over the carpet.

We begin with our protagonists on a Sunday morning in March. We're being temporarily hosted by Faith who is inexplicably eating a donut with strawberry jam on top. Not a jelly donut, mind you. A cake donut she's put jam on. This is very odd to me. The only thing we get from this section is a review. You know.....they rabidly hated each other but now they're very best friends. #yawn Faith decides to go into town for bagels and peanut butter. I question her eating choices hardcore.

Suddenly we're the head of Dana's father. This is weird.  I don't much like being in the head of a middle-aged man.  His name is John Morrison (JM from here on) and he's come to tell Dana something that he thinks might distress her. As he drives up to Baker House, he sees an “attractive black girl” and instantly knows it's Faith because she's apparently the only black girl on campus or something. Also, it's a little creepy that JM (an adult male) is thinking of a 15-year-old girl as “attractive”. He asks her if Dana is around and she's says that Dana is up in good old 407.

JM fetches Dana from her room and the two of them go into Greenleaf to the ice cream shop. Dana orders a marshmallow/lemon/walnut sundae. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?  #gag  Her father tells her that he's getting remarried and being relocated to Hawaii for a year. Dana struggles with both these things. Like many children of divorce, she'd held on to the hope that her parents might get back together someday and Hawaii is a very long way from the East coast.

JM tells Dana that he and Eve really want her to stay with them for that year. She asks why her and not her sister Maggie and JM replies that he won't have time to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes (just kidding – he actually says they want Dana because she's older). Dana is a little stunned by these announcements and asks if she can have some time to think about it. Her dad tells her that the wedding and relocation won't happen until June so she has time.

Dana goes back to Baker House and heads straight for Alison's room. Alison can solve any problem after all. She pours out the entire story and throws an actual tantrum about her father not wanting to be with her mother anymore. She tells Alison that she wants to go home next weekend to see her mom and Alison approves that. She also tells Dana not to make any snap decisions.

The next morning, Dana tells her roommates about her big decision which will be referred to as #thehuladilemma from here on out. Faith acknowledges that it would be weird for them to have another roommate but that it's a great opportunity for Dana. Shelley turns it into a #whyme scenario and makes it all about her. They walk to the dining hall still discussing things. Faith is basically reassuring Dana that her feelings are valid and that everything will probably work out just fine. Shelley interrupts this to panic about her tryouts for the school play. Seriously, Shelley, can you just let someone else be the focus of the conversation for five fucking minutes?  #dramallama

We land in Shelley's head for play tryouts. She finds the entire experience very life-changing and can't wait to rhapsodize about it to her roommates. They're having dinner with a bunch of friends, though, and it frustrates her that she can't talk to them in an “intimate conversation” like she wanted. Don't they know the entire trajectory of her life has changed???? Finally they get back to their room and Shelley dramatically announces that her entire life has meaning now and she knows what she wants to do with her future. She declares that she'll be an actress. Somehow Faith and Dana manage not to roll their eyes. #betterwomenthanme Shelley then tells them that she's going to change the spelling of her name to “Shelle” from now on because it's more sophisticated and better suited to her new existence.

Save me now.

Shelley can suck my toe because I refuse to type 'Shelle' again ever.

For the next few days, Dana and Shelley are both completely preoccupied with their own lives and not really being supportive of each other. When Shelley talks about the play, Dana doesn't listen. When Dana talks about her dad, Shelley doesn't listen. Shelley goes to her first play practice and meets Tom, a boy from town. She's instantly drawn to him despite being practically engaged to Paul back home. Yes, folks, we're about to have our first case of the infamous illness that plagues our Canby Hall girls.

Tom tells her that she's prettier than she looked in the newspaper and the ghostie takes this opportunity to remind us about Shelley's kidnapping. But don't worry too much about Shelley's trauma, y'all. She's enjoying her “minor celebrity” status.

Fuck me.

Later, Shelley goes on and on about Tom to her roommates. How incredibly tall he is – how his “whisper was sheer magic” - how he caught her interest in a major way. Dana gets annoyed at all this and sarcastically asks Shelley how long Tom's eyelashes were. Shelley does not appreciate the comment.

We skip ahead to Friday. Bret has arrived to drive Dana to the train. He's come early so they can talk about the situation. He encourages Dana to talk to him and tell him “the hard parts” that she's not telling anyone else.  She is comforted by how much he cares for her. He tries not to influence her much but he tells her he'll really miss her if she decides to go. Dana thinks he looks tense and pale.

Dana spends Friday evening with her Mom and Maggie but they don't talk much about #thehuladilemma. On Saturday, Dana hangs out with Eve (JM's new bird) for a bit. They see a play and then go to Eve's apartment for tea. Dana ends up liking Eve but feels guilty about it. She feels like it betrays her mother.  This is all pretty relatable for once.  I think any kid with divorced parents feels this way at one point or another.

Finally on Sunday, Dana talks to her mom about #thehuladilemma. Dana's mom refuses to make the decision for her but Dana can tell that her mom doesn't want her to go. She returns to Canby Hall even more confused than she left it.

Back at Canby, Shelley won't shut up about Tom. He's the best actor and the most dreamy boy and the greatest trumpet player and a wonderful speaker and it goes on and on until both her roommates are sick to death of it. Faith is doing a better job of hiding her annoyance, though. Dana keeps snapping at Shelley because Shelley should recognize that Dana is the one with serious problems here.

Dana and Shelley are BOTH being super self-absorbed here and Faith should just burn it all down and start fresh somewhere else.

Shelley is agonizing over how to tell Paul that she wants to pursue acting after high school. It's always been assumed that she would go back to Iowa and be a proper housewife and she doesn't think he's going to take the news well. Dana asks her if she can cut it out for awhile because she's worried about something that won't even happen for two more years. Shelley dramatically says that the entire course of her life has changed and Dana gets even more mad. She snaps that it's her life that's about to change and she doesn't have two years to get used to the idea. She then takes a few digs at Shelley about her stupid name change (which I've refused to reflect in this blog) and her actual lack of knowledge about the theater. Shelley cries and Dana leaves in a huff.

It's a day or two later. Dana has stopped talking to Shelley. Faith confronts her about it and Dana tells her that she just can't take Shelley's drama right now. Faith admits that it's been a little hard to handle but she doesn't want the two of them to be fighting. Dana doesn't either but it's a bad time for her right now and she just can't take anything more.

Shelley, meanwhile, is going completely gaga over Tom and feeling guilty about it. She loves Paul and can't understand how she could feel this way about another boy. It doesn't stop her from wanting to spend more time with Tom, though, and she invites him to take a tour of campus after practice. He accepts. As she's giving the tour, she notices that the groups of girls spotted around the grounds look like bouquets of flowers.

#whatthefuck?

Maybe this is the ghostie trying to hint to us about Shelley burying Casey under the tulips.

Shelley is her bumbling self during the tour and she can't read Tom's reaction at all. She finally decides that he must hate her and she declares that she's really far away from Iowa. I'm not sure what that means. Do the guys in Iowa just find her irresistible or something? Tom is puzzled by that comment but asks her out on a date that weekend anyway.

That night there's a fire in Baker House. One of the girls on another floor was smoking and dropped her lit cigarette into a trash can.  I can't believe one of the perfect Canby Hall girls would ever do such a thing.

#clutchmypearls

The fire department comes and the entire dorm is evacuated into the dining hall. The fire is put out quickly but the smoke is too thick for the girls to go back that night so they are all sent to the other two dorms. Dana, Faith and Shelley all head over to Addison House. It's newer than Baker and cooler. The rooms are kind of like pods where each girl has her own little area that she can close the door on but they're all connected when they want the doors open.

Dana is assigned to a girl named Nancy and they become fast friends. Dana tells her all about #thehuladilemma situation and Nancy can relate. Her parents are divorced and both remarried. Dana enjoys having someone to talk to.

The next few days are strained in Room 407. Dana seems to be spending most of her time away from the room with Nancy and she's barely speaking to her roommates. Faith is trying not to take it personally because she knows Dana is really struggling right now but it's starting to get to her. She finds herself being impatient with other people. Shelley is also tense. She gets furious with Tom when he doesn't stop a conversation the second she walks into the room.

Wow.

#bitchmuch?

All of a sudden, the ghostie realizes that she hasn't really given Faith anything to do so we take a bizarre side trip.  There's a guy named Ray who has a crush on her but Faith thinks he's too rich and preppy for her. Way to judge people based on the surface, Faith.

Now we're with Shelley who is doing a Jane Fonda workout tape with some other girls at Baker House. She quits early, though, saying Tom likes her “pleasingly plump” so I guess Gale is back. Welcome back, Gale. I knew there was no way they were letting you go gently into that good night.

Faith can't figure out what to do about Dana and Shelley and she eventually decides that maybe her social worker mother can help. She invites her roommates to go home with her for the weekend and they agree. On the plane, Shelley launches into what Dana calls  💫“The Performance”💫.   It involves lots of dramatic sighs and grunts and impassioned cries about how Paul and her family will never be able to accept her new career path and about how her new feelings for Tom will affect everyone in her life. #selfcenteredmuch? Dana can't stand it and picks up a magazine, tuning Shelley out completely.

Faith's mom Joan picks them up from the airport along with Faith's brother and sister (Richie and Sarah). Dana and Shelley will be sharing Richie's room for the weekend while he sleeps on the couch. They are awkward with each other and barely speaking. Faith pleads with Joan to help her.

During the weekend, Joan talks to Dana about trying to be more patient. She urges Dana to count to ten when Shelley annoys her and to remember that Shelley's problems are just as real and important to her as Dana's are to Dana. Then Joan talks to Shelley about being more supportive of Dana and not so self-absorbed. By the end of the weekend, all is well in Room 407 again.

#whoneedsAlisonanyway

The girls slip back into former habits as the week goes on. Dana begins to get annoyed with  💫“The Performance”💫  again and Shelley is spending so much time with Tom and the play that she starts to fail French. Her teacher tells her she has to have mandatory tutoring and Shelley is panicked that it might interfere with the play. Back in her room, instead of studying, Shelley begins to watch herself in the mirror on the back of the door. She practices picking things up and moving, trying to be graceful and actress-like.

We skip ahead a couple of days. Faith is suddenly jealous of Dana/Bret and Shelley/Paul/Tom (the way I arranged that made Tom and Paul look like a couple which is way too progressive for this damn book). She decides to accept Ray's invitation to a photography exhibit in town. They have a lot in common since she's a photographer for the Canby paper and Ray's a photographer for the Oakley paper but she's still reluctant to get involved with him for reasons that she doesn't really bother to tell us. I find it hard to be invested when I have no idea what's going on.

Faith is super-judgmental when Ray comes to pick her up. She hates his preppy style of dressing and for some reason his gentlemanly manners seem to piss her off. It's not because she's a feminist or anything – at least ghostie doesn't make it seem so – it just angers her that he's so “smooth”.

After the exhibit they go to the pizza place with some other people from school. The whole time they chat about cameras and film and various other things I didn't pay attention to at all because, while I respect and love looking at photography, the actual details bore me.

Dana and Faith find out about Shelley's French grade. Shelley seems pretty casual about it and acts like it's no big deal but, when Dana quizzes her, it's pretty clear that Shelley is in big trouble. Dana and Faith agree to sacrifice some of their time and their own activities to tutor Shelley.

It doesn't take long for the tutoring sessions to light the powder keg that Dana has been sitting on for days. One Thursday she has to skip Choir practice in order to be there and then Shelley shows up super late because she's been hanging out with Tom. Dana explodes. She tells Shelley that she's being thoughtless and selfish and wasting both her and Faith's time. Shelley actually stamps her foot and tells Dana that she's mean. It's extremely childish. Dana calls her out on it and Shelley starts bawling and tells Dana that she doesn't know what it's like to have a hard-knock life. Dana storms out of the room.

As the days go on, things get frostier in Room 407. Dana and Shelley stop talking to each other at all and Faith isn't very happy with either of them. Dana decides that things have gotten so miserable there that living with her father for a year seems like the solution to all her problems. She talks to her dad and tells him that #thehuladilemma is a go.

Shelley's grades continue to dive. She's now pulling mostly C's and D's and she's starting to worry that she won't even be allowed to come back to Canby the next year. She tries to make an effort but can't really concentrate on anything that's not the play or Tom. Nothing else really matters to her. A huge French test is coming up, though, and there's no way she's going to pass. She decides to cheat.

During the test, Shelley wrestles with her conscience. She takes out her cheat sheet but doesn't look at it. She decides not to use it. The teacher catches her putting it back into her pocket and the next thing she knows, Shelley has an appointment to see PA (head bitch in charge).

When Dana hears about Shelley's misadventure she forgets to be mad at her. She immediately goes to Shelley to tell her that she knows Shelley would never cheat. Shelley is grateful for the support but nervous as hell. Dana offers to accompany her to PA's but Shelley wants to go alone.

There's only three pages left in the book and I think ghostie definitely had a #ohshit moment when she realized she had to wrap everything up in so short a space. As a result, the end is very rushed. PA accepts Shelley's explanation of not actually using her cheat sheet and Shelley receives no punishment. She and Dana apologize to each other and decide to be best friends again. Dana decides in the last two sentences not to go to Hawaii because everything is fine now. It's ridiculous and we deserved better than that, ghostie. You should be ashamed of yourself.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I think Bret can have this. Shelley was unbearable, Dana was almost as bad and Faith was super-judgmental. I can't give it to any of them.  Bret was supportive of Dana the entire time without pressuring her to do what he wanted her to do.  Good on ya, Bret.  Enjoy your trophy.

The Bitch of Baker House Award: I could go one of three ways here but Shelley was definitely the most annoying so she gets the trophy this month. I literally wanted to set her on fire for most of the book. I hate Shelley so fucking much.

Coming Up Next: So, here's the bad news. I don't actually have book 4. They're out of print, of course, and it was the one book I was unable to locate. So we will be missing that one and moving on to book 5 next month. Sorry, y'all.