You're No Friend of Mine (Book 3) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line:  (Taken from the cover of another edition - thank you Goodreads!)  War is declared in Room 407.

From the Back of the Book: Would they always be enemies?  Dana and Shelley are fighting night and day and their roommate Faith is stuck in the middle.  Everyone is on edge.  Dana has a big decision to make.  Her dad and his new wife have invited her to live with them - in Hawaii!  And Shelley is afraid she's falling in love with Tom, even though she still loves her boyfriend back home.  Can things possibly get any worse for The Girls of Canby Hall?  (Sure.  They could have actual problems but whatever.)

The blurb really sets the whiny, self-absorbed tone of this book.  Buckle up, y'all.

This book was published in 1984 and I can't remember if I've read it or not. I guess I'll see as we go along.  ((Note from future me: I had not read this one.  I would have remembered something this appalling.))  The ghostie for this book is Lucille Warner. She wrote A Roommate Returns which was a fucking fiasco of a book so I'm not really looking forward to this one at all.

Why does Shelley look about 40 on this cover? Dana and Faith look pretty consistent with other covers but this is a totally different model for Shelley. She's also thinner than Dana here so either Gale is a thing of the past, or the person who did the cover never read the book. Equal odds.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For the time being, Dana is dating Bret-the-two-timer from Oakley Prep and Shelley is hopelessly devoted to her hometown sweetheart Paul. I don't expect either of those to last. In the last book, Shelley was mistaken for Casey (still majorly calling bullshit on this one) and kidnapped to keep Casey's parents from testifying in an art theft case. Dana and Faith Nancy Drew'd the shit out of the case and ended up saving the day with a little help from Bret.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Casey is completely MIA in this book.  I fear she was clubbed on the back of the head by Shelley in one of her dramatic episodes and buried beneath the tulips.  Dorothy and Polly are keeping her company in the dirt.

Risen From the Tulip Bed: I know Gale wasn't technically missing for most of book 2 but at the end it was mentioned that Gale was no longer with us.  I was crushed.  Thankfully, Gale made a strong reappearance in this one, dripping dirt clods all over the carpet.

We begin with our protagonists on a Sunday morning in March. We're being temporarily hosted by Faith who is inexplicably eating a donut with strawberry jam on top. Not a jelly donut, mind you. A cake donut she's put jam on. This is very odd to me. The only thing we get from this section is a review. You know.....they rabidly hated each other but now they're very best friends. #yawn Faith decides to go into town for bagels and peanut butter. I question her eating choices hardcore.

Suddenly we're the head of Dana's father. This is weird.  I don't much like being in the head of a middle-aged man.  His name is John Morrison (JM from here on) and he's come to tell Dana something that he thinks might distress her. As he drives up to Baker House, he sees an “attractive black girl” and instantly knows it's Faith because she's apparently the only black girl on campus or something. Also, it's a little creepy that JM (an adult male) is thinking of a 15-year-old girl as “attractive”. He asks her if Dana is around and she's says that Dana is up in good old 407.

JM fetches Dana from her room and the two of them go into Greenleaf to the ice cream shop. Dana orders a marshmallow/lemon/walnut sundae. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?  #gag  Her father tells her that he's getting remarried and being relocated to Hawaii for a year. Dana struggles with both these things. Like many children of divorce, she'd held on to the hope that her parents might get back together someday and Hawaii is a very long way from the East coast.

JM tells Dana that he and Eve really want her to stay with them for that year. She asks why her and not her sister Maggie and JM replies that he won't have time to #keeponeeyeonMaggieatALLtimes (just kidding – he actually says they want Dana because she's older). Dana is a little stunned by these announcements and asks if she can have some time to think about it. Her dad tells her that the wedding and relocation won't happen until June so she has time.

Dana goes back to Baker House and heads straight for Alison's room. Alison can solve any problem after all. She pours out the entire story and throws an actual tantrum about her father not wanting to be with her mother anymore. She tells Alison that she wants to go home next weekend to see her mom and Alison approves that. She also tells Dana not to make any snap decisions.

The next morning, Dana tells her roommates about her big decision which will be referred to as #thehuladilemma from here on out. Faith acknowledges that it would be weird for them to have another roommate but that it's a great opportunity for Dana. Shelley turns it into a #whyme scenario and makes it all about her. They walk to the dining hall still discussing things. Faith is basically reassuring Dana that her feelings are valid and that everything will probably work out just fine. Shelley interrupts this to panic about her tryouts for the school play. Seriously, Shelley, can you just let someone else be the focus of the conversation for five fucking minutes?  #dramallama

We land in Shelley's head for play tryouts. She finds the entire experience very life-changing and can't wait to rhapsodize about it to her roommates. They're having dinner with a bunch of friends, though, and it frustrates her that she can't talk to them in an “intimate conversation” like she wanted. Don't they know the entire trajectory of her life has changed???? Finally they get back to their room and Shelley dramatically announces that her entire life has meaning now and she knows what she wants to do with her future. She declares that she'll be an actress. Somehow Faith and Dana manage not to roll their eyes. #betterwomenthanme Shelley then tells them that she's going to change the spelling of her name to “Shelle” from now on because it's more sophisticated and better suited to her new existence.

Save me now.

Shelley can suck my toe because I refuse to type 'Shelle' again ever.

For the next few days, Dana and Shelley are both completely preoccupied with their own lives and not really being supportive of each other. When Shelley talks about the play, Dana doesn't listen. When Dana talks about her dad, Shelley doesn't listen. Shelley goes to her first play practice and meets Tom, a boy from town. She's instantly drawn to him despite being practically engaged to Paul back home. Yes, folks, we're about to have our first case of the infamous illness that plagues our Canby Hall girls.

Tom tells her that she's prettier than she looked in the newspaper and the ghostie takes this opportunity to remind us about Shelley's kidnapping. But don't worry too much about Shelley's trauma, y'all. She's enjoying her “minor celebrity” status.

Fuck me.

Later, Shelley goes on and on about Tom to her roommates. How incredibly tall he is – how his “whisper was sheer magic” - how he caught her interest in a major way. Dana gets annoyed at all this and sarcastically asks Shelley how long Tom's eyelashes were. Shelley does not appreciate the comment.

We skip ahead to Friday. Bret has arrived to drive Dana to the train. He's come early so they can talk about the situation. He encourages Dana to talk to him and tell him “the hard parts” that she's not telling anyone else.  She is comforted by how much he cares for her. He tries not to influence her much but he tells her he'll really miss her if she decides to go. Dana thinks he looks tense and pale.

Dana spends Friday evening with her Mom and Maggie but they don't talk much about #thehuladilemma. On Saturday, Dana hangs out with Eve (JM's new bird) for a bit. They see a play and then go to Eve's apartment for tea. Dana ends up liking Eve but feels guilty about it. She feels like it betrays her mother.  This is all pretty relatable for once.  I think any kid with divorced parents feels this way at one point or another.

Finally on Sunday, Dana talks to her mom about #thehuladilemma. Dana's mom refuses to make the decision for her but Dana can tell that her mom doesn't want her to go. She returns to Canby Hall even more confused than she left it.

Back at Canby, Shelley won't shut up about Tom. He's the best actor and the most dreamy boy and the greatest trumpet player and a wonderful speaker and it goes on and on until both her roommates are sick to death of it. Faith is doing a better job of hiding her annoyance, though. Dana keeps snapping at Shelley because Shelley should recognize that Dana is the one with serious problems here.

Dana and Shelley are BOTH being super self-absorbed here and Faith should just burn it all down and start fresh somewhere else.

Shelley is agonizing over how to tell Paul that she wants to pursue acting after high school. It's always been assumed that she would go back to Iowa and be a proper housewife and she doesn't think he's going to take the news well. Dana asks her if she can cut it out for awhile because she's worried about something that won't even happen for two more years. Shelley dramatically says that the entire course of her life has changed and Dana gets even more mad. She snaps that it's her life that's about to change and she doesn't have two years to get used to the idea. She then takes a few digs at Shelley about her stupid name change (which I've refused to reflect in this blog) and her actual lack of knowledge about the theater. Shelley cries and Dana leaves in a huff.

It's a day or two later. Dana has stopped talking to Shelley. Faith confronts her about it and Dana tells her that she just can't take Shelley's drama right now. Faith admits that it's been a little hard to handle but she doesn't want the two of them to be fighting. Dana doesn't either but it's a bad time for her right now and she just can't take anything more.

Shelley, meanwhile, is going completely gaga over Tom and feeling guilty about it. She loves Paul and can't understand how she could feel this way about another boy. It doesn't stop her from wanting to spend more time with Tom, though, and she invites him to take a tour of campus after practice. He accepts. As she's giving the tour, she notices that the groups of girls spotted around the grounds look like bouquets of flowers.

#whatthefuck?

Maybe this is the ghostie trying to hint to us about Shelley burying Casey under the tulips.

Shelley is her bumbling self during the tour and she can't read Tom's reaction at all. She finally decides that he must hate her and she declares that she's really far away from Iowa. I'm not sure what that means. Do the guys in Iowa just find her irresistible or something? Tom is puzzled by that comment but asks her out on a date that weekend anyway.

That night there's a fire in Baker House. One of the girls on another floor was smoking and dropped her lit cigarette into a trash can.  I can't believe one of the perfect Canby Hall girls would ever do such a thing.

#clutchmypearls

The fire department comes and the entire dorm is evacuated into the dining hall. The fire is put out quickly but the smoke is too thick for the girls to go back that night so they are all sent to the other two dorms. Dana, Faith and Shelley all head over to Addison House. It's newer than Baker and cooler. The rooms are kind of like pods where each girl has her own little area that she can close the door on but they're all connected when they want the doors open.

Dana is assigned to a girl named Nancy and they become fast friends. Dana tells her all about #thehuladilemma situation and Nancy can relate. Her parents are divorced and both remarried. Dana enjoys having someone to talk to.

The next few days are strained in Room 407. Dana seems to be spending most of her time away from the room with Nancy and she's barely speaking to her roommates. Faith is trying not to take it personally because she knows Dana is really struggling right now but it's starting to get to her. She finds herself being impatient with other people. Shelley is also tense. She gets furious with Tom when he doesn't stop a conversation the second she walks into the room.

Wow.

#bitchmuch?

All of a sudden, the ghostie realizes that she hasn't really given Faith anything to do so we take a bizarre side trip.  There's a guy named Ray who has a crush on her but Faith thinks he's too rich and preppy for her. Way to judge people based on the surface, Faith.

Now we're with Shelley who is doing a Jane Fonda workout tape with some other girls at Baker House. She quits early, though, saying Tom likes her “pleasingly plump” so I guess Gale is back. Welcome back, Gale. I knew there was no way they were letting you go gently into that good night.

Faith can't figure out what to do about Dana and Shelley and she eventually decides that maybe her social worker mother can help. She invites her roommates to go home with her for the weekend and they agree. On the plane, Shelley launches into what Dana calls  💫“The Performance”💫.   It involves lots of dramatic sighs and grunts and impassioned cries about how Paul and her family will never be able to accept her new career path and about how her new feelings for Tom will affect everyone in her life. #selfcenteredmuch? Dana can't stand it and picks up a magazine, tuning Shelley out completely.

Faith's mom Joan picks them up from the airport along with Faith's brother and sister (Richie and Sarah). Dana and Shelley will be sharing Richie's room for the weekend while he sleeps on the couch. They are awkward with each other and barely speaking. Faith pleads with Joan to help her.

During the weekend, Joan talks to Dana about trying to be more patient. She urges Dana to count to ten when Shelley annoys her and to remember that Shelley's problems are just as real and important to her as Dana's are to Dana. Then Joan talks to Shelley about being more supportive of Dana and not so self-absorbed. By the end of the weekend, all is well in Room 407 again.

#whoneedsAlisonanyway

The girls slip back into former habits as the week goes on. Dana begins to get annoyed with  💫“The Performance”💫  again and Shelley is spending so much time with Tom and the play that she starts to fail French. Her teacher tells her she has to have mandatory tutoring and Shelley is panicked that it might interfere with the play. Back in her room, instead of studying, Shelley begins to watch herself in the mirror on the back of the door. She practices picking things up and moving, trying to be graceful and actress-like.

We skip ahead a couple of days. Faith is suddenly jealous of Dana/Bret and Shelley/Paul/Tom (the way I arranged that made Tom and Paul look like a couple which is way too progressive for this damn book). She decides to accept Ray's invitation to a photography exhibit in town. They have a lot in common since she's a photographer for the Canby paper and Ray's a photographer for the Oakley paper but she's still reluctant to get involved with him for reasons that she doesn't really bother to tell us. I find it hard to be invested when I have no idea what's going on.

Faith is super-judgmental when Ray comes to pick her up. She hates his preppy style of dressing and for some reason his gentlemanly manners seem to piss her off. It's not because she's a feminist or anything – at least ghostie doesn't make it seem so – it just angers her that he's so “smooth”.

After the exhibit they go to the pizza place with some other people from school. The whole time they chat about cameras and film and various other things I didn't pay attention to at all because, while I respect and love looking at photography, the actual details bore me.

Dana and Faith find out about Shelley's French grade. Shelley seems pretty casual about it and acts like it's no big deal but, when Dana quizzes her, it's pretty clear that Shelley is in big trouble. Dana and Faith agree to sacrifice some of their time and their own activities to tutor Shelley.

It doesn't take long for the tutoring sessions to light the powder keg that Dana has been sitting on for days. One Thursday she has to skip Choir practice in order to be there and then Shelley shows up super late because she's been hanging out with Tom. Dana explodes. She tells Shelley that she's being thoughtless and selfish and wasting both her and Faith's time. Shelley actually stamps her foot and tells Dana that she's mean. It's extremely childish. Dana calls her out on it and Shelley starts bawling and tells Dana that she doesn't know what it's like to have a hard-knock life. Dana storms out of the room.

As the days go on, things get frostier in Room 407. Dana and Shelley stop talking to each other at all and Faith isn't very happy with either of them. Dana decides that things have gotten so miserable there that living with her father for a year seems like the solution to all her problems. She talks to her dad and tells him that #thehuladilemma is a go.

Shelley's grades continue to dive. She's now pulling mostly C's and D's and she's starting to worry that she won't even be allowed to come back to Canby the next year. She tries to make an effort but can't really concentrate on anything that's not the play or Tom. Nothing else really matters to her. A huge French test is coming up, though, and there's no way she's going to pass. She decides to cheat.

During the test, Shelley wrestles with her conscience. She takes out her cheat sheet but doesn't look at it. She decides not to use it. The teacher catches her putting it back into her pocket and the next thing she knows, Shelley has an appointment to see PA (head bitch in charge).

When Dana hears about Shelley's misadventure she forgets to be mad at her. She immediately goes to Shelley to tell her that she knows Shelley would never cheat. Shelley is grateful for the support but nervous as hell. Dana offers to accompany her to PA's but Shelley wants to go alone.

There's only three pages left in the book and I think ghostie definitely had a #ohshit moment when she realized she had to wrap everything up in so short a space. As a result, the end is very rushed. PA accepts Shelley's explanation of not actually using her cheat sheet and Shelley receives no punishment. She and Dana apologize to each other and decide to be best friends again. Dana decides in the last two sentences not to go to Hawaii because everything is fine now. It's ridiculous and we deserved better than that, ghostie. You should be ashamed of yourself.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I think Bret can have this. Shelley was unbearable, Dana was almost as bad and Faith was super-judgmental. I can't give it to any of them.  Bret was supportive of Dana the entire time without pressuring her to do what he wanted her to do.  Good on ya, Bret.  Enjoy your trophy.

The Bitch of Baker House Award: I could go one of three ways here but Shelley was definitely the most annoying so she gets the trophy this month. I literally wanted to set her on fire for most of the book. I hate Shelley so fucking much.

Coming Up Next: So, here's the bad news. I don't actually have book 4. They're out of print, of course, and it was the one book I was unable to locate. So we will be missing that one and moving on to book 5 next month. Sorry, y'all.

Our Roommate is Missing (Book 2) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Contains Spoilers!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: (I had to search for this on a different edition because mine didn't have one.)  The girls are desperate.  (Pretty lame, huh?)

From the Back of the Book: Who kidnapped Shelley?  Shelley is missing, and her roommates, Faith and Dana, are frantic.  Where is she?  Then the FBI agents arrive at Canby Hall to investigate.  Shelley's disappearance has turned into a kidnapping case.  A week of mystery has begun for Faith and Dana, and a week of terror has begun for Shelley.  In their second adventure, The Girls of Canby Hall face danger together.

Trigger Warning: Wrath and Kam need to skip this one. If either of you started reading this, please stop now. If anyone comments on the Facebook post, please remember to keep it vague and not mention details. Thanks. 💖

Welcome to the strangest book of the entire series, y'all. I do not know how this became part of the Canby universe.

This book was published in 1983 and I've read it before. I didn't understand what it was doing in the series then and I don't understand what's doing here now either. It's one of life's greatest mysteries. The ghostie for this book is Mary Francis Shura. I did a quick Goodreads search of her name and a lot came up. She seems to write books about troubled kids or kids put in mysterious situations. She even has a book called Our Teacher is Missing which seems like a very weird coincidence. She also wrote quite a few books for the Sunfire series which focused on romance and historical events. So she's definitely a prolific writer – that doesn't necessarily mean she was a good one. ::ahem::Cooney::ahem::

There's not really much to say about the cover except that Shelley looks pretty serene for someone who has been kidnapped.  She looks like she's talking to her aunt about lunch or something.  She definitely doesn't seem terrorized.

Canby Hall Catch-Up: So you know the drill. We have three protagonists: Dana (sophisticated fashionista), Faith (urban photographer) and Shelley (small-town farm girl). For the time being, Dana is dating Bret-the-two-timer from Oakley Prep and Shelley is hopelessly devoted to her hometown sweetheart Paul. I don't expect either of those to last. In the last book, our three roommates got off to a rocky start when Faith assumed that Shelley was a card-carrying member of the KKK and Shelley assumed that her roommates thought she was a country bumpkin. Only one of those was true. There was a lot of stupidity but they ended up putting it all behind them and becoming friends with the help of housemother-extraordinaire Alison. Dana started dating Bret and then found out he was cheating on her so everyone dressed up as gorillas and shouted Booga-Booga. Faith met bad-girl Casey who introduced her to drinking beer and sneaking out. Faith got punished for leaving campus after hours to convince Casey not to run away and then Shelley announced she wasn't returning back to Canby after Christmas break. She did though. We were also introduced to Gale (Shelley's extra 15 pounds that was mentioned about a billion times).

Missing, Presumed Dead: There were a lot of throw-away characters mentioned once and then forgotten but two were more pivotal characters in the first book: Dorothy who was built up to be this series Gigi and Polly who starred as Bret's side piece.  Neither of them are mentioned in this book at all so I have to assume they are pushing up tulips.

So, now that we're all caught up.....here we go.

The first two sentences of this book really set the tone.

“Shelley's disappearance didn't register on her two roommates, Faith and Dana, all at once. Not only were they slow to realize she was really gone, they even laughed about it.”

That sounds about right.

#legendaryfriendshipy'all

The book reminds us that the three girls got off to a rocky start because of assumptions and racial tension but now they are a trio who “giggled more than they glared”. Neat. A Parent-Alumni weekend is just ending and Dana has been some kind of ambassador serving tea and coffee while Faith has been taking pictures. They're both exhausted when they get back to the room 407.

Faith asks where Shelley is and Dana replies that she's lost. Faith snorts and says you can lose mittens but you can't lose your “overweight but nonetheless adorable” roommate. Fuck you, Faith. Why did she have to throw in the overweight part? That's just mean. I'm starting to hate her most of all.

And we seriously only made it to page 3 before someone mentioned Gale. Fuck me.

Dana jokes that it is strange because her mom brought a care package and Shelley is usually first in line whenever there's food near. Fuck you too, Dana.

We get a list of the girls' favorite snacks now. I'm going to go ahead and blog it because it will come up again in later books. Dana likes bagels and cream cheese, Faith likes pretzels and spicy mustard and Shelly likes peanut-butter cookies with chocolate kisses on top. They have a name. I don't care enough to look it up.

Both Faith's mom and Dana's mom had visited over the weekend but Shelley's parents had been unable to make it. She'd been busy, though, playing guide to Casey's Aunt Edie. When Casey heard her own parents weren't bothering to come she'd thrown a huge fit and refused to even talk to her aunt so Shelley stepped in. The two of them appeared to have fun throughout the weekend.

Time keeps passing and finally Dana gets worried. Curfew has come and gone and there's still no sign of Shelley. They go room to room to see if Shelley might be visiting someone else and check all the common areas but they don't find her. They don't want to report it to Alison right away because they don't want Shelley to get in trouble for breaking the rules but finally they head up to her room.

On the way up to Alison's room they hear her emergency line ring and then Alison comes striding out of her room. They manage to hide so she won't see them. No, I don't know why. Dana catches lights in the driveway below and they see three black sedans pull up outside. Faith recognizes Casey's parents as they get out of one of the cars. The girls creep downstairs to eavesdrop. They hear Casey's mom say that Casey has been kidnapped but they know it's not true because she was in her room when Faith checked to see if Shelley was there.

Sure enough, Casey is present and accounted for. Alison ushers Casey and her parents back upstairs to her room. Instantly everything is about Faith. She's upset that Casey gets to have a mother and a father when her own father was killed in the line of duty a few years ago. She crumples to the floor and begins to rock herself back and forth. Dana just rides it out. When Faith finally shakes it off, Dana tells her that maybe the kidnappers took the wrong girl. Maybe they have Shelley instead.

Faith thinks this is the dumbest idea she's ever heard. Dana reminds her that Casey had recently changed her hair to look like Shelley's and had adopted Shelley's style of dressing, including buying an identical parka.

I call SO MUCH #bullshit on this. All through the first book everyone commented about how Shelley's clothes were awful. There's no way Casey would imitate Shelley. If she needed to imitate someone, she would have picked Dana. This is ridiculous.

Dana supports her theory with the fact that Shelley has been hanging around Aunt Edie all weekend. Anyone watching would have assumed she was Casey. I call #bullshit again because Casey does not have Gale strapped to herself. Shura has told us twice in this book already how tiny Casey is. There's no way someone mistook Shelley for Casey in any believable fashion.

But these books don't have to be believable, do they?

Sigh.

Dana finally convinces Faith and they head for Alison's room to report Shelley missing. Casey's dad takes it all very seriously and immediately calls the FBI to tell them to come right to Canby Hall. (#bullshit) While they wait, he tells a huge story about him and his wife helping take down a ring of art thieves. Two attempts have been made on their lives and they've been staying away from Casey to protect her.

#bullshit Again. That doesn't explain the previous 15 years of neglect at all that Casey told us about extensively in the last book.   #fuckcontinuity

Mr Flint tells them that a little before midnight they got a call saying that Casey had been kidnapped and she would be held until the trial date passed to ensure that the Flints didn't testify against the art thief guy. The FBI arrives and tells Dana and Faith that they are instrumental to the investigation and will be the key to solving the crime.

#eyeroll #unnecessaryroom407worship

We hop into Shelley's head now. She takes us back a bit, telling us how disappointed she was that her family didn't come for the weekend. She was initially reluctant to spend the weekend with Aunt Edie (so why did she offer???) but she ended up having a great time. Before Aunt Edie got on the train she gave Shelley a bracelet to give to Casey that had Casey's name engraved on it.

#plotdevice

Shelley is pulled into a van at the train station and tied up. Her captors drive her for a long period of time. At one point she manages to get her hands on the door handle and opens it up, falling out onto the road. These are really inept kidnappers, y'all.

We skip back to Dana and Faith and it's now Monday morning. The trial is in 8 days which means Shelley will be with the kidnappers for that long. A quarantine sign has been placed on room 407. The students have been told that both Shelley and Casey have some kind of contagious illness and therefore Dana and Faith are quarantined as well. This is to keep Dana and Faith free to help the authorities because they're so vital to the investigation (#bullshit #unnecessaryroom407worship) and to keep anyone from knowing that it was Shelley who was kidnapped. Everyone is worried if the bad guys find out they got the wrong girl, Shelley will be......discarded. Casey has been spirited away to the Greenleaf Inn with her parents and Shelley's parents are due in that afternoon.

The girls are sneaked away from Canby to the Inn where they listen to the phone call from the kidnappers to see if they can identify the voice. Why the Fibbies think two 15-year-old private school girls would recognize the voice of a kidnapper is beyond me. This is all so stupid. They spend the day at the Inn with Casey so they'll be close at hand if the Fibbies need anything else. Eventually they are sneaked back to Canby. Alison tells them that Casey's parents will be leaving the next day and Casey will be hidden in Alison's room. It's very important that no one see Casey at all. She asks the girls to bring some of Casey's things up to her room which is just dumb because (1) the girls are not supposed to be seen out of their room and (2) people will wonder why Casey's things are being taken to Alison's room. This is SO FUCKING DUMB.

Faith tells Dana that clearly they need to Nancy Drew the shit out of this because no one except them can possibly find Shelley.

We get an entire chapter of Dana and Faith packing up a box of things to take up to Casey and basically just snooping through her stuff. I don't think any of it's important but if I'm wrong I'll just add it in later and you'll never know the difference. #readthebookyourself

Bret keeps calling Dana. There's some kind of supper and dance that Friday and she's supposed to be telling him whether or not she can go. She knows she's can't go with Shelley gone but she's not allowed to tell him why so she tries to duck the call at first. The lady who answers the phone in Baker House gets tired of Bret calling over and over, though, and Dana is ordered to the phone. She tells Bret she can't make it and he asks her if she's going home for the weekend or something. He's clearly pissed and hurt and snaps that he's sure it's a matter of life and death. Dana starts crying then, because it really could be a matter of life and death for Shelley. Bret loses his mad and gets worried when he hears her crying but she still can't explain and she hangs up on him.

We land back in Shelley's head now. Her attempt to escape was pretty pathetic and she was immediately picked back up and thrown in the van. She finally figures out that they meant to kidnap Casey and she does her best to convince them that they got the wrong girl. They search her pockets for ID (which she isn't carrying) and find the bracelet engraved with Casey's name which convinces them that she's Casey. Wow. That was so unpredictable. #sarcasm

They finally come to a stop and Shelley finds herself in a filthy room with no heat. She can tell she's out in the middle of nowhere by the fact it's dead quiet outside and the stars are bright in the sky instead of dimmed by city lights. There's a cot and a blanket in the corner. The bad guys untie her and leave her alone in the room. She lays down on the cot and cries herself to sleep.

The next morning she wakes up and decides to explore a little. There's one window high up. The place is covered in dirt and grime and the tiny bathroom is disgusting. There's a bench just inside the door where her captors have put a pitcher of water and a basin. I guess for her to clean up? Eventually the door opens and a masked man sets a carton of milk and a bag full of donuts on the bench before he leaves again. She still hasn't checked the door but I guess she's assuming that it's locked or guarded or something. It's the very first thing I would have checked.

As she sits on the bed and eats her donuts she comes to the conclusion that she's being held in an old saw mill. How, you ask? No fucking clue. She's only seen this one room. I guess we're just going to accept that she's right. She tries to keep her mind occupied by visiting her home in Pine Bluff in her mind. She uses dust to make piles under the bed to keep track of her days. Finally on Wednesday she decides to start eavesdropping at the door to see if she can learn anything interesting. She hears her captors say “Melrose” a couple of times and decides that must be where she is. I mean, it is about a decade too early to be Melrose Place they're talking about so she might be right. #shrug

One day she's awakened by one of the captors. He blindfolds her and then ushers her into the next room which is warm. He tells her that they have her “dad” on the phone and she's not to do anything fancy or he'll shoot her. She feels what she assumes is a gun against her head and she knows she has to comply. But she's been preparing for this moment and she has a plan.

Mr Flint is doing a great job of pretending she's Casey. His half of the conversation isn't really important but Shelley says two things. First she tells him that she's being fed but it's not “mushroom soup or mashed potatoes.” Then this.....

“Tell Mama-Millie that I love her. And thank Aunt Rose for the magnificent days. I'm fine, not marvelous, but fine.”

This was her grand plan I guess.

We're back with Dana and Faith and it's Thursday. They've been allowed to go back to classes but they don't have much of an attention span and go about in a general fog. Some chick named Mindy rocks up in this chapter and chats away at Dana about Algebra and Choir for a very long time. I have a feeling she'd be better served by taking a gardening class instead because she's sure to be under the tulips by next book. Dana is called into Alison's room where Faith, Casey and a Fibbie disguised as a plumber are waiting to listen to the tape of Shelley's phone call. Everyone decides it's really bizarre but they can't figure it out. The Fibbie leaves.

Faith has printed out pictures from the weekend and she notices a man that appears in several of the shots that appears out of place. This man also appears in a picture that Casey has of her father from a long time ago. Because of course it's going to be that fucking easy. Alison leaves at this point to drive to the Inn and get the Fibbie. Why can't she just call him, you ask? Because this is a plot device, dear readers and Shura needs Alison out of the picture for a few moments.

Faith thinks she might have decoded Shelley's message. Dana wants to tell the Fibbie but Faith thinks she's in a Point Horror all of a sudden and refuses to give the FBI this very vital information because she thinks they won't take her seriously.

#whattheactualfuck #thisisNOTPointHorror

Faith wants Dana to arrange for Bret to drive them somewhere Friday night and she plans to sign them both out for a “weekend visit” to Dana's house so they can go save Shelley from the kidnappers.

#sigh #SERIOUSLYthisisNOTPointHorrordamnit

The girls go over Shelley's phone call and catch sight of all the 'm's' in the message. They think this is significant. Dana cracks the word “Millie” right away and concludes that Shelley is being held in a mill. The word “Rose” sticks out to Faith because it doesn't begin with an 'm' like everything else. They look at a map and Casey notices the nearby town of Melrose. #NancyDrewstotherescue

Faith reminds them not say anything to the grown-ups because they would never be believed. #thisisNOTafuckingPointHorror

Faith's big plan to to sign out for the weekend and spend the night somewhere in Bret's car so they can drive to Melrose on Saturday and look for an old mill. There seem to be a lot of issues with this plan but I stopped caring when Shura forgot what book series she was writing for. #dowhatyouwant

Bret picks the girls up for the dance and is puzzled by the suitcases but doesn't say anything right away. They all have a good time and then toward the end of the evening he asks what the hell is going on. Dana explains Faith's master plan to him and Bret is puzzled. He asks why they have to sleep in the car overnight. Couldn't they have just left from Canby tomorrow morning? BRET IS THE ONLY SMART ONE IN THIS BOOK, Y'ALL. Faith admits that it never occurred to her to do it that way. Now they can't because they already signed out for the weekend and it would look suspicious for them to go home.

Bret is understandably nervous about this plan. It's been snowing, he's not the most experienced driver and his car is kind of a death trap. He asks what it's about and Dana implies that Shelley ran away and they need to find her. Bret agrees because he knows they'll find a way to do it if he refuses and he doesn't want them to go alone.

They spend the night in the car which is just stupid after we've been told it's cold enough to snow. They totally would have died. But Shura isn't concerned with realism here.

The next morning Bret comes out to the car. He drives them to a diner on the highway and they discuss the fact they're looking for a mill where the waitress can hear them. She stuns them by saying there's dozens of them in the area they're targeting: flour, lumber, textile, etc. Dana and Faith deflate a bit. They'd been thinking there there would be only one. #thisisnottheHighlander

We spend a chapter with Shelley but literally all we learn of value is that someone named Ames planned the whole thing. Other than that, she's just fantasizing about her life in Pine Bluff and thinking of taking a shower because it's been 6 days and she feels gross.

We're back with our two Nancy Drews and our Hardy Boy. They've checked out three mills with no luck and they're feeling discouraged. Bret suggests they stop for lunch because the roads are getting bad and he's hella stressed. He's not giving up, though, because he wants to be sure the girls stay safe. They stop at a cafe and the owner is chatty and lonely. There's a lot of useless padding in this chapter too but eventually he points them to the only mill that still in operation in the area. It's a lumber mill that never closes for the winter.

They barely make it there in the snow. Dana has Bret park by the road and turn the car around so they can make a quick getaway if necessary. Then she and Faith separate and head for the mill. As Dana is walking up, two men appear hauling crates. Dana recognizes them as the same kind of crate that Casey has in her closet and knows instantly that she's found the kidnappers. They see her and she makes a run for it, sliding off the path and into an icy pond. They leave her for dead.

Faith sees the whole thing happen and doubles back toward Bret. She tells him to go for help and he reluctantly gets back into the car and leaves them. Faith goes back toward the mill and sees the men bring Shelley out and push her into a van. They take off after Bret. She looks around the building and finds Shelley's barrette. Then Dana shows up, wet and half frozen and Faith pulls her inside.

She puts Dana in front of the fire and takes off her wet clothes. #thisisNOTthatkindofbookShura She finds some old overalls and a sweatshirt and puts Dana in those, tying a rope around the waist to cinch them to her. She makes Dana some tea and this is all very surreal. They're just hanging out in this criminal lair. Faith does locate the phone to call the police but she doesn't remember exactly where she is which is probably an issue in 1983.

They hear voices outside and Faith is stunned when Bret walks in the door. That's nothing compared to how stunned Bret is to see Dana. He immediately goes to her and hugs her tightly saying that he thought she was dead. Police are hot on his heels and they herd all the teens out into cruisers. Faith is ecstatic to find that Shelley has been rescued. The police say that Bret pretty much saved the day and then Bret goes and ruins it all by saying that Shelley looks better than ever because she apparently got Gale off her ass while she was kidnapped.

#fuckyouBret

So apparently the police were out looking for motorists who might need help. They saw Bret come barreling down the road out of control. He spun out a few times and then hit a snowplow which blocked the road completely. The kidnappers tried to drive around him and ended up sliding into a ditch. Shelley was in the back screaming her head off and the police rescued her and arrested the bad guys. The bad guys told them about Faith and that the brown-haired girl had fallen into a pond and drowned. That's why Bret thought Dana was dead.

Girls are rescued, parents are called, everyone fills everyone else in on what happened and then they're returned to Canby and Oakley. Alison orders the girls up to her room. PA (head bitch in charge) is there and she tells them that rules exist for a reason but the Fibbies have stated that they never would have solved the case without the 407 crew (#eyeroll) so they are all getting away unpunished. Then they have snacks and think about how wonderful it is to be friends.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award:  I was totally going to give this to Bret for unquestioningly supporting Dana but then he had to go and fuck it up by mentioning Gale.  I'm giving this one to Alison because everyone else pissed me off.

The Bitch of Baker House Award:  I give this to everyone but Alison.  Holy fuck I want Cary back.  Or Randy. When does Randy get here?  We need Randy.  Everyone else is so fucking annoying.

Coming up Next:  IDK.  Dana and Shelley are fighting or something.  This book didn't tell me.

Roommates (Book 1) by "Emily Chase"

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warnings: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know which girl acted like a total bitch in this book.  Because you know at least one of them did.

Tag Line: They are so different.  Will they ever be good friends?

From the Back of the Book: Dana Morrison - spirited independent city girl.  Faith Thompson - determined, talented and practical.  Shelley Hyde - naive, small-town girl.  Dana, Faith and Shelley, all new to Canby Hall in their sophomore year, end up as roommates - and get off to their worst possible start.  They're so different they practically hate each other!  But slowly they grow to understand and care about one another and to help each other - through Dana's disastrous first love, Faith's trouble with the headmistress, and Shelley's desperate homesickness.

I love how the blurb says fairly good things about Dana and Faith at the top there but Shelley just gets "naive".  Really sets the tone, doesn't it?

So it's come to this. The beginning of the dark times. I can't even believe I agreed to do this and I think you guys are going to regret it. Shelley is literally the worst, y'all. We might not survive this.

This book was published back in 1983 and I definitely owned a copy. I got it at a Scholastic Book Fair and if I had only known the horrors I would endure with this series, I never would have picked it up. Of course, I must have loved them back then because I kept buying them. What was wrong with me??????? The ghostie for this book is Carol White. She's also the person who wrote that train wreck Something Old, Something New, so at least you all know where to set your expectations for this one.

The only thing that really stands out to me about this cover is how very awful their hair is. Also, Dana is supposed to be the resident fashionista and that outfit is just horrific. Is she wearing an ascot???? I don't feel like I can trust anything anymore.  Also, what is that weird shadow behind Shelley's right shoulder?  ((Note from future me: I bet it's Gale.  You'll find out who Gale is soon enough.))

We begin with Dana who technically hasn't ruined any of our lives yet (BUT SHE WILL). She's sitting in the back of the shuttle waiting to be whisked away from the train station to Canby Hall to begin her sophomore year of high school. She feels like a pioneer because.....well, I don't really know why. Everyone else in the van is a returning student and they're all chatting about things Dana knows nothing about. Including an entree from the cafeteria that they call Slime and Slide. #yummy Dana feels lonely and a little lost.

She tells us that she changed her mind about going to Canby that very morning. She's a city girl and she doesn't think she's cut out for the wilderness that is Massachusetts. Her mom convinced her it was just a case of last-minute nerves and here she is. We also learn that her parents are divorced and it was't amicable and she has one sister named Maggie (who we will later keep one eye on at All times).

Now we're with Faith who technically hasn't been sanctimonious yet (BUT SHE WILL BE). She's already in 407 and she finds it a dismal place. The walls are painted a hideous green color and her brown and orange print bedspread is totally going to clash with it. There are three beds, three dressers, three desks and an old armchair in the corner. These rooms sound huge. I had a dorm room that was barely big enough for two of each of those things and there definitely wasn't room left over for an armchair.

Faith is concerned because she's never shared a room with a “white girl” before. Now's the time that I need to remind you all that this series is ever-so-slightly-racially-uncomfortable. It was the early 80's after all and political correctness wasn't a thing yet. Race comes up in these early books more than it did in the later ones, so just be prepared for that.  I'm going to use the terms "black" and "white" because that's what the book uses.

Faith, unlike Dana, had been excited to come to Canby Hall. She may only be 15 but she has her entire life planned already and Canby is one of the stepping stones to getting into a good college and becoming a professional photographer. We also learn that she has older sister named Sarah and a younger brother named Richard. Their father was a police officer who was killed in the line of duty two years ago.

Just as Faith finishes unpacking, Dana arrives in the room. She greets Faith like any human would – pleasantly but a little nervously because a new roommate is a very big deal. Faith snidely comments that she probably wasn't what Dana was expecting, insinuating that Dana didn't think she'd be living with a black girl and it's totally unfair to the life ruiner who actually didn't do anything wrong. Dana rather graciously refuses to rise to the bait and remains pleasant. She invites Faith to go explore campus with her but Faith doesn't want to get too chummy with the preppy, designer-clothes-wearing white girl and says she's going to take a nap instead.

Well then.

Now we're with Shelley who technically hasn't done anything dramatic yet (BUT SHE WILL). She's on the bus from Boston with a girl named Maureen who is also a sophomore but not a transfer student. What do you want to bet poor Maureen is under the tulips by book 2? Maureen is busy telling Shelley how wonderful every single thing is at Canby but Shelley's mind is on what – that is, who – she left behind in Pine Bluff Iowa.

Shelley tells us that her parents are sending her to Canby to get her away from her boyfriend Paul. They're worried she'll be knocked up by graduation if she stays in town. Shelley can't believe a dreamboat like Paul even gives her the light of day. She's FIFTEEN whole pounds overweight and that makes her completely undatable.

Buckle up, y'all, because this is going to be a HUGE theme in the series. Shelley's extra 15 pounds are going to be their own character they're mentioned so often. I feel like we should give them a name. I'm going to consult my manager and get back to you.

(((((((Time passes in real life.......)))))))

My manager has named the 15 pounds Gale. So from here on, when I say 'Gale' y'all will know what I'm talking about.

We learn that Shelley lives on a farm and has two brothers named Jeff and Larry. That's pretty much it.  She's the only one of our girls who still lives with both parents.  When she finally arrives at Canby, she's stunned to find out that one of her roommates is black. See, this is the one that deserved Faith's little asshole comment and not Dana. She's never had any contact with an actual black person and she's nervous that they won't actually have anything to talk about. Because black girls and white girls don't actually talk about the same things I guess???

#ohthe80s

Shelley makes some lame comment about never really talking to a black person before but she's sure “they could be as nice as anyone else”. Faith, understandably, takes offense to this and stomps out of the room.

We're back in Dana's head and she has no idea that some serious ish just went down in 407. She wanders around for awhile and spots a farm near campus that she assumes belongs to some bigwig related to Canby somehow. (((Hi, Randy. I 💖 you!! Stay away from the life ruiner!!!))) Eventually she heads back to the room and she finds Shelley. She comments on Gale, of course, and tells us that Shelley looks like a 50's teen. Oooookay.

#whyisthisseriessoobsessedwiththe60's?

Before they can have actual conversation, Faith slams back into the room and Dana can tell there's major tension between her and Shelley. She tries to engage them all in small talk but Shelley's an idiot and Faith is sarcastically mocking her at every opportunity (which turns out to be a lot because Shelley's as dumb as a mud fence). Finally Dana suggests they all get dinner in the cafeteria and, for some reason, they agree.

Dana tries to get some conversation going over the awful stew but neither of her companions are interested. She has a feeling it's all just a misunderstanding but since neither of them will talk about it, she has no idea how to fix. As the meal goes on, she starts to get mad and by the time it's over, she's decided she doesn't like either one of them very much.

#jointheclub

We hop into Shelley's head the next morning. She's in the cafeteria and she tells us that at least the food is so bad she'll finally be able to get rid of that bitch Gale.

Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 4. Shelley's mentioned it twice and Dana and Faith have each mentioned it once.

Shelley ends up sharing a table with some older girls and they listen to her cry over her oatmeal. They suggest she get her roommates interested in a group project so they can come together as a team. Shelley decides they should decorate the room together and she gets busy making plans and drawing diagrams.

Shelley presents her plans to Dana and Faith when they wake up. It involves chintz dust ruffles and pillow shams and eyelet lace curtains. Urban Faith and Glamorous Dana don't take to the idea at all and Shelley gets very butthurt about it. She runs from the room in tears and decides she hates them both forever.

After Shelley leaves, Dana asks Faith what Shelley did to her the previous day. Faith rather imperiously declares that Shelley is the grand dragon of the KKK and Dana tells her she probably overreacted. As much as it galls me to agree with Dana twice in one recap, she's right here. Faith came to Canby expecting people to have a problem with her skin color. What Shelley said was stupid and careless but it wasn't coming from a racist place at all. Just an unfamiliar one. Faith needs to get over herself a little here.

As Faith heads to the orientation, she more or less comes to the same conclusion. She feels bad for being so rigid and regrets ruining her chances at being friends with her roommates. She feels like things are too far gone at this point to fix them so now we know Faith is fatalistic and a quitter.

During orientation, Faith ends up sitting next to an impish girl named Casey who keeps up a hilarious running commentary during PA's (head bitch in charge) history of Canby speech and her recitation of the rules and regulations. Faith takes an instant liking to Casey. I can't remember if I liked her or not. Guess I'll be reminded.

After the orientation, Casey tells Faith that she's here by the skin of her teeth. This is her fourth boarding school and she keeps getting kicked out because she can't stay out of trouble. She was almost evicted from Canby too but PA decided to give her one last break. Faith hangs out with Casey and Casey's friends for the rest of the day and has a great time.

When she gets back to the room later she finds that it's been rearranged. There's a bed and desk in each corner and living spaces are delineated with tape on the walls and floor. Neither of her roommates say a word to her and she resigns herself to the fact that this is how it's going to be.

A week passes and the stand-off continues. The room remains completely silent and they only communicate through passive-aggressive notes. On Friday the housemother-extraordinaire Alison comes to check in on things and she's alarmed by what she sees. She orders them to report to her penthouse room in half an hour and she's not taking no for an answer. She has a reputation to protect and she won't stand for trouble spots in her dorm.

They gather in Alison's hippy-dippy room and sit around with tea and cookies. Alison asks them what's going on and no one will answer. Finally she orders Dana to go first. Dana says she really has no idea what happened. It's Shelley and Faith's argument and she wishes they'd just settle it because she's miserable. So Alison turns to Shelley next.

Like a petulant five-year-old, Shelley says that Faith is mean to her. She says she accidentally offended Faith on the first day and that she didn't care that Faith was black she was just trying to say she'd never had the opportunity to be friends with a black person before. She thinks that Dana and Faith both think they're better than her and that they're secretly laughing at her all the time for being a hick. She doesn't want to be there – she never wanted to be there in the first place – and she just wants to go home.

Dana hands her a napkin to soak up her drama-llama tears and tells her that she's not laughing at her. She thinks it's “neat” that Shelley comes from such a different place than New York and meeting people from different places is one of the reasons Dana came to Canby in the first place. Shelley gives her a tentative smile.

Now it's Faith's turn. She tells Shelley that she knows she's overreacted and she knows that Shelley didn't mean to be so insulting but by the time she figured it out, they were too far into it and she couldn't figure her way out. I've actually gotten myself into a place like this a few times myself so I have some sympathy for the sanctimonious one here.

#whatishappeningtome

The girls all resolve to try to be friends and Alison declares herself the best housemother ever in existence.

The next chapter is just a letter from Shelley to Paul catching him up on EVERYTHING WE JUST READ. Seriously, ghostie, we didn't need a review here. By the way, Shelley calls Paul “Honeybear” and she signed her letter “Honeybunch”.

#gag

Oh! And she mentioned Gale AGAIN in the letter.

Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 5.

We take a hop to the end of the second week. The girls have all been busy with school and their activities (campus newspaper for photographer Faith, choir for musician Dana and.......I guess letter writing for homesick Shelley?). There's a “record-hop” that night at Oakley Prep. I guess that's some kind of dance??? The mention of Oakley Prep makes me super sad because Cary doesn't exist yet. I 💖 Cary.

#sigh

Faith isn't interested in the dance. She's too exhausted from her week to “boogie”. Shelley doesn't want to go either. She's planning to call Paul that night. Faith secretly thinks Shelley is a “drip” when it comes to Paul and that Paul sounds like the most boring person on earth. She's a bundle of non-judgmental acceptance, our Faith. Only Dana seems anxious to go.

Faith decides to head to town to get an ice cream cone and she invites Casey to go with her. Casey acts like your run-of-the-mill student but Faith has heard that her parents are mega-super wealthy (remember this because it will be important in book 2) art dealers. Casey never talks about them or about her life away from school which Faith finds intriguing.

It's also a fucking lie because Casey does nothing but talk about her parents and her sad life for most of the book.  Holy fuck, ghostie, keep it together.

Over sundaes at the Tutti Frutti, Faith moans a little about being black first and Faith second. Casey basically shuts her right the fuck down and tells her that she's not the only one with that problem. There are plenty of other minority students who have to deal with it too, plus it happens to other people too. People always see her as rich first and Casey second.

#TeamCasey

We're in Shelley's head now and she's worked herself into a right good drama-vortex. She starts by looking at pictures from home and playing sad songs. Then she wallows around in her failures at school and wonders why her teachers can't see that's she's a great tragic heroine. She's clearly “a girl desperate in the agony of being so cruelly separated from the ones she loved; driven away from her home; forced to live away at a boarding school like Jane Eyre.” That's a direct quote, y'all.

Shelley has arranged to call Paul at 11:00 when the rates are cheaper. I bet none of you reading this even remembers a time when the long distance rates changed based on what time it was. It's like reading about ancient times for you lot, isn't it? Unless Kit's drunk again and reading this. He'd remember. He's an old-timer like me.

ANYWAY.....she's arranged to call at 11:00 but she falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 11:30. When she gets down to the payphones, they are both occupied. There are two other dorms but she's in her pajamas and she has to run up to the fourth floor to get dressed and then she leaves her change purse on her bed and has to go up again. By the time she gets to Addison House it's almost midnight and she's sure Paul is sitting on top of the phone absolutely frantic waiting for her call.

BUT when she finally reaches a very sleepy Mama Paul, she finds out that Paul isn't even home. He went on a hayride and then camped out in the woods with some friends. Shelley is devastated. She starts sobbing and tells us that only death would have made her miss this phone call but clearly Paul has fallen completely out of love with her and moved on to greener pastures.

#calmthefuckdownShelley

I have a feeling I'll be busting out that particular hashtag A LOT.

We now slide into Dana's head and also go back a few hours into the past. We're time travelers now, y'all. Do you feel younger yet?

Dana ended up walking to the dance with Mary Lou and Sally June. Why do they both have two first names? Mary Lou and Sally June speak in baby-talk which I vehemently REFUSE to copy down into this recap because it makes me want to slap the fucking teeth right out of their faces to even read it and I'll be impaled on a pike in the middle of Main Street before I actually type it. The first part of the dance is pretty much a dud but then Dana meets Bret who is gorgeous, has a cleft in his chin and smells amazing. I feel Dana here. I'm a sucker for the right cologne too.  Don't even ask about that time I followed some poor guy around the gas station just so I could smell him again.

Dana and Bret spend the rest of the night talking and then he walks her home. On the steps of Baker House he asks her for a second date and gives her the perfect goodnight kiss. She falls madly in love.

We do another time hop but I have no idea how much time has passed this time. Dana goes up to talk to Alison and Alison mentions that the gossip mill says that Dana is dating Bret. She gives Dana a friendly warning. Bret gets around a lot. He's dated half the girls at Canby and he's always wildly romantic at first – flowers, love notes, lots of attention – and then he just ghosts and never talks to the girl again. She tells Dana that some of his exes actually formed a club called the Tear Drops for all the former love interests of Bret. Dana appreciates the warning but thinks she's the girl that's going to change things for Bret.

#theyallsaythat

Alison asks her about Faith and Shelley. Dana says that Faith spends a lot of time with Casey. Alison has a warning about this too. She likes Casey but the girl tends to take her friends down with her and Alison doesn't want that to happen to Faith. She says PA already has an eye on Faith which is solely based on her friendship with Casey. Sounds fair. Dana gives her the run-down on Shelley too, saying that her homesickness is getting worse. All Shelley does is talk about how much she misses her boyfriend and how she wishes she was home. Paul hasn't been as attentive and Shelley's feeling forgotten. Alison doesn't really have any words of wisdom about that. They'll just hope things improve.

We time hop a few days into the future. Dana and Bret are taking a walk in the woods. The leaves are beginning to change color and the weather is pleasantly cool. Bret tells her that winter comes without warning in this area and soon they'll be knee-deep in snow so they have to enjoy the fall while it lasts. Dana's snagged (#stolen) some extra toast from the cafeteria and Bret's brought a jar of peanut butter and they're all set to have a picnic when they realize that neither of them brought a knife. They end up tearing off pieces of toast and dipping it into the peanut butter like chips. He's being all poetic and romantic and she's basically making a joke of it. He gets hurt and asks her why she's putting up barriers between them. She tells him she knows about his reputation and he smoothly tells her he just hasn't found the right girl until now.

#theyallsaythat

Meanwhile Faith and Casey are at the movie theater. They watch some movie about an alcoholic or something and afterwards Faith comments that she's never had a drink. Of course, she's ONLY 15 so this should not have been a shocking thing but Casey treats it as if Faith is an alien being. She says that Faith needs to at least have one beer or she'll have to turn in her “swinging black chick” card. I have no idea what that even is, but Faith seems to think it's important. Casey ducks into the bathroom of the theater and puts on heavy make-up and then the two of them walk down to Smyth's Food and Liquors.

Seriously? Smyth's Food and Liquors? That's the dumbest name for a place I've ever heard. C'mon, ghostie, you can do better than this.

Casey goes in first so the clerks don't think she and Faith are together. Casey's at the counter when Faith gets there. She's buying bologna, bread, pork 'n beans and milk. As the cashier rings up her purchases, she makes a huge show of being irritated that she forgot her husband's beer. The cashier doesn't even bat an eye. He asks her how many she wants and what kind. A minute later Casey is walking out with two cans of Bud.

The girls go back to Casey's room to drink beer and eat bologna sandwiches.

#revolting

Now we're treated to Shelley's portion of the afternoon. She's been alone in 407. First she tries to do homework but can't concentrate. Then she goes through all Paul's letters and underlines the romantic parts with red pen (WTF???). Then she eats half a pan of brownies and bitches about Gale getting bigger.

Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 6

After this riveting schedule she writes a letter to Paul and takes a nap.

We skip to Monday afternoon now. Dana is in choir practice and she shares sheet music with a truly terrible person named Dorothy. Dorothy has greasy hair which clearly makes her some kind of psychopath or something. She asks Dana who she's taking to the Harvest Holiday dance and Dana realizes that Bret hasn't asked her yet. She casually mentions that she doesn't know if she and Bret will be going. She makes up some story about Bret thinking dances are stupid to save face with Dorothy but the reality is that he hasn't mentioned it once and she doesn't know why. It's a pretty big deal. Kind of like Homecoming I guess. That's when Dorothy drops the bomb that Bret's taking some girl named Polly to the dance.

Dana is crushed but determined not to let Dorothy know. She makes up some story about Bret's parents and Polly's parents being friends and Bret taking Polly out as a favor to them, but Dorothy clearly knows she's lying. As soon as choir is over, Dana heads for Alison's room. Alison does the mature adult thing and encourages Dana to exact some revenge.

#howdidthiswomangetthisjob

Dana comes up with “Plan Booga-Booga” (I can't make this ish up, y'all) and recruits Faith, Shelley and Casey to help her. They put on gorilla costumes and lie in wait by Polly's dorm. When he comes out with Polly, they surround them and start shouting booga-booga at them. Polly and Bret try to ignore them, but the gorilla's follow them as they walk across campus. Bret finally gets annoyed and threatens to deck one of them but Shelley giggles and he realizes that they're girls and he can't hit them. They dog the couple all the way to the door of the gym and then take off. Dana's pretty sure Bret has figured it out by this point and she's thrilled to show him that she's not just going to sit in her room crying over a loser like him.

That had to be the stupidest plans I've EVER read in one of these books.

Bret meets Dana outside of choir practice the next day. I guess either the dance was on a school night or they have choir practice on the weekends. Or maybe the ghostie lost track of her own damn story.

#evenodds

Bret apologizes and claims that he felt something deep for her and it scared him and he ran but now he knows he's truly in love with her and he's going to change his ways.

#sameoldstorysameoldsong

Dana wisely tells him that she'll never be able to trust him again and she can't be in a relationship with someone she doesn't trust. She tells him she doesn't want to see him again and she takes off running.

Ghostie tells us a few weeks have passed. It's some random Tuesday and all three girls are down in the dumps. Dana is still heartbroken over Bret, Shelley is still homesick and Faith had a whole reel of film ruined because someone mislabeled chemicals in the dark room. This sounds super dangerous and she's lucky the film is the only thing that got ruined. They all decide to go to bed early. At eleven o'clock, some random girl sticks her head in their door to tell them that Faith has a phone call.

It turns out to be Casey. She's at the all-night diner by the highway and she's getting ready to hitchhike somewhere far away from Canby. She doesn't want Faith to stop her (yeah, right) but she didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. Faith convinces her to wait there so they can say goodbye in person. She plans to convince Casey to come back and then to sneak both of them back into the dorm so no one gets in trouble.

Dana and Shelley sensibly try to talk her out of it. Faith won't be deterred.  Then they sensibly beg her to tell Alison instead but Faith refuses.  One of the girls on the first floor owes her a favor and she plans to use that window to get in and out. Clearly an excellent plan like this could never go wrong.

She makes it to the diner without being caught. Casey is a mess when she gets there. Casey says that she's had a letter from her parents and they're not going to be around for Christmas this year AND they'll be in Europe all next summer so they're shipping her off to some wilderness camp that's supposed to build her character. I have no idea why they're telling her about next summer now. It doesn't make much sense. Anyway, she's upset about that and because she got called in before PA and the disciplinary board that day. They've put her on probation. She can't go out on weekdays and she has a 10pm curfew on weekends. So she's decided to cut and run instead.

Faith tells her to stop acting like an idiot. Casey deserves to be on probation so she just needs to do her time and suck it up. Running away is dangerous at her age and it's not going to be as easy as Casey thinks. There's a very real possibility that Casey could end up in a ditch somewhere. Casey finally agrees to go back to Canby. When they get there, the girl who let Faith out has locked her window and fallen asleep.

#dundundun

Also, #predictable

Faith and Casey throw rocks at the window of 407 (impressive arms they have there) until Shelley opens the window. Faith tells her to get down to rando girl's room and open the damn window. It takes her forever. Probably because of Gale. Eventually the window opens and Casey dives through. Before Faith can get through, though, security catches her. PA is there too and asks Faith what the hell she's doing. Faith tells her that she was on a date and stayed out too late. She just happened to see the open window and was trying to get in.

No one should be buying this story. Everyone keeps going on and on about how cold it is. No one would be sleeping with their window open in this weather. PA lets it go and tells Faith to be in her office right after breakfast the next day.

Dana and Shelley are furious with Casey. Apparently she just ran to her room after she got through the window and never even paused to see what happened to Faith. They encourage Faith to tell the truth but if she does, Casey will be kicked out of the school. Shelley tells her that Casey wasn't thinking about her so she shouldn't think about Casey.

Casey apologizes the next day but says she can't come forward. She's been kicked out of so many schools and if she messes up again she's going to be sent somewhere truly awful. Dana accuses her of being a terrible person and an awful friend but Casey just bursts into tears and runs off. Faith tells them to lay off. Casey's all alone in the world and scared. Dana says maybe there's a reason she's all alone.

The next day, Faith is put on restrictions for a month. She isn't allowed to leave Baker House except for meals and classes. She's okay with that but then PA says her mother will have to be called and Faith freaks out. For two days she mopes around while the entire dorm fawns over her and buys her cards and flowers.

Um.

Why exactly would the entire dorm even care about this?

#room407worshipbegins

Two days later, Faith is called back into PA's office. Casey is there and she's confessed everything. Faith is let off on time served and told not to do it again. Luckily for her, PA hadn't called her mom yet. I think PA knew something else was up and she was waiting a bit to see if she could figure it out. Casey is offered counseling in addition to her confinement and all's well that ends well.

We're winding down in the book so Faith decides to do a little interfering in Dana's love life. She encourages Dana to forgive Bret because we all know that unfaithful serial-daters make the very best boyfriends. Dana decides to call him and she bursts into tears as soon as she hears his voice. He begs her not to cry, tells her he loves her and asks her if she'll go out for pizza with him so he can apologize again for hurting her. She agrees.

Since she had so much success interfering with Dana, Faith turns her attention on Shelley for the last few pages. She decides that Shelley needs a make-over to get rid of her “bubble-do” and to get her some jeans that aren't a “dumb color”. Wow, Faith is just....awful. Dana points out that Shelley likes the way she looks and telling her that she needs a make-over is really insulting. Why the actual fuck am I agreeing with the life ruiner so damn much in this book? It's killing me slowly. Anyway, Faith suggests that they tell Shelley that Faith needs a model for a photo shoot and maybe she'll agree to be “styled”.

Shelley goes for it instantly, although she's a little nervous about having her hair cut. I would be terrified since Dana's the one cutting it but she eventually gives in. They take her shopping where they buy her a pair of baggy pleated jeans to hide Gale.

First........ Number of times Gale's been mentioned so far: 7 (or is it 8??)

Second.....baggy, pleated jeans would make Gale look worse I think.

They pair these awful jeans with a dusty-rose crew neck and a navy blue button-down. This outfit sounds awful even by 80's standards. They take her to get her ears pierced and then take her back to the dorm for her haircut. Dana cuts it all one length and then puts it on tiny hot rollers to give Shelley a fro. I don't understand this makeover at all. Shelley seems pleased with the results, though. Afterwards, Shelley announces that she's not coming back after Christmas. Her parents have finally relented because she's been so very unhappy.

Suddenly it's time for Christmas vacation. Wow this year is flying by. Dana and Faith are sad that Shelley won't be coming back but they've tried everything to get her to stay and she's not interested. They tearfully part and all go their separate ways until January. Ghostie only gives us a few paragraphs about their Christmas breaks and it completely centers around what presents they got. A short page-and-a-half later, they're back at Canby.

To their surprise (but not ours because....I mean.....it's a series after all) Shelley comes back after all. She tells them that going home just emphasized to her how much she's changed. She's not the same and that life isn't her life anymore. So she's back to give Canby a fair shake. They're all overjoyed and the book finally, mercifully, ends.

The Least Annoying Person in Greenleaf Award: I'm totally going to pretend this never happened. If you mention it to me, I'm going to pretend that I have NO idea what you're talking about. I have to give this to Dana, y'all. She was the most reasonable and mature of them all and didn't do one damn thing to ruin anyone's life. (BUT SHE WILL!!!)

The Bitch of Baker House: This has to go to Casey. She was hell-bent on dragging Faith down with her this book and didn't really care about anyone but herself. It's sad because I actually like the girl. Mostly.

Coming up next: The dumbest book in the ENTIRE series. Someone gets kidnapped and held for ransom. Seriously.